It’s fucking Joey.
A leaf clings to his over-gelled hair as he tries to leap over the shrubs like an action-movie hero. But the hem of his shorts gets caught by a branch, and he crashes, landing on his hands and knees. Undeterred, he rolls once to the side and hops to his feet, then points a finger at us, smugly victorious in his dirt- and green-stained T-shirt and washed-out khaki shorts. “Ah-ha!”
“Whoisthat?” Molly whispers. “A stalker or something?”
Straightening up, I put a hand on Molly’s shoulder so she’ll know she’s safe. “Nothing like that. Just my dad’s assistant.”I’m going to murder my father. It’s gotta be justifiable homicide.
“What’s he doinghere? Why didn’t he just ring the bell?”
“Because that would be too normal,” I say, wishing I had the power to catapult Joey into the middle of the Pacific.
“I knew it!” he shouts in triumph.
“Knew what?”Why didn’t I get an electric fence like Noah?
“She’s a paid actress!”
“Who is?” Molly says.
“You!” Joey points his finger at her. “You damned brunette!”
What the fuck?How much coke did he snort off his latest hooker’s ass?
“Come out, Charlene!” he shouts.
“How many times do I have to tell you, my new name isCharlie?” comes a soft whine as a woman stumbles forward. Since she isn’t totally stupid, she doesn’t try to jump the shrubs like Joey. “My legs are asleep,” she says, waving at Molly with a pretty but vapid smile.
She’s a typical Ted Lasker type—huge breasts that are about to spill out of a tube-top dress that’s a shade I’ve heard Dad call “vagina red,” and lips so bee-stung they look like an unfortunate allergic reaction. Her pelvis is just wide enough, and her ass is unnaturally round and tight as she twists left and right to show herself off. She’s currently sporting platinum hair, but who the hell knows if it’s real or not? She blows kisses like a pageant queen. Joey should get her a tiara.
Time to end this nonsense.“What are you doing here?”
Joey attempts to look down at me and fails miserably. He’s too short to pull it off, although that’s never stopped him from trying. “I’ve been following you ever since you told Ted you had a girlfriend because I knew you were lying. I’ve been taking photographs and gathering evidence of your duplicity!”
“Congratulations on finally buying a thesaurus. Why aren’t you in Madrid with Dad?”Could Jeremiah get me off if I stuck his head into the pool? I only want to hold him down for a minute or two.
“My passport expired, and the lazy losers couldn’t renew it in time.” If he were a cat, his hair would be bristling in orange outrage. How dare they not recognize how important he is? “So I’m here to run interference, including making sure you’re really making a baby with this person for Ted.”
Molly blinks, and I grind my teeth. God save me from my parents and this overzealous assistant.
“How can you be a real couple? You don’t even hold hands!” Joey shouts.
I give him a look. “What are we? Five?”
Molly gasps. “Are you accusing us of fake-dating?”
“Yes! I’ve seen third-rate actors who put on a better show than you! So I brought Charlie, who is a superior candidate. Besides, Ted wants ahotbaby. And that isn’t happening with Emmett or Griffin.”
Did this motherfucker just call my precious nephews and nieces ugly?
“He plans to make your child a star!” he adds, like I should drop to my knees in gratitude.
“What aboutme?” Charlie says, with a pout that’s trying too hard to be cute. “I thought he was going to makemea star.”
Joey blinks, momentarily distracted. “Your time will come, honey.” He turns back to us. “Anyway, it’s time for you to go, fake baby mama.” He makes a shooing motion at Molly.
She stands and puts her hands on her hips. “No, Mr. Orange Hair. It’s time foryouto go with your lady friend, because Nicholas and I are most certainly dating.”
His eyes drop to our unlinked hands again. That’s it. I’m shoving his face under the water.Now.
