Gross. But then, Dad wouldn’t be Dad if he weren’t gross and improper.
“The women we sent are all very discreet surrogates,” Mom says. “Now stop complaining. It isn’t like you’re seeing anybody serious.”
“You’re wrong. I am!” Maybe this will make her back off. What will Molly think if random women keep popping up at my house? This is my opportunity to convince her to go out with me…and hopefully choose me on a permanent basis. It’s going to be a complicated and delicate process—like one of those mating dances birds perform to attract a suitable partner.
This is why birds don’t hang out with their parents once they’re old enough to be on their own.
Mom snorts. “Like who? That mystery woman you’re supposedly in love with? Ha!”
A delicate clearing of the throat comes from behind me. I turn and see Molly standing there.Damn it.How much did she hear? Mom was practically shouting.
“What was that?” Mom says. “I thought I heard something.”
“It’s…” The word “nothing” chokes me. Although it’s the best way to shut this line of questioning down, I don’t want to say Molly is nothing. She’s everything. If I could have only one thing in the world, I’d clutch her to me and never let go.
Mom can scent blood in the water like a shark. “It’s a woman, isn’t it? Put her on speaker right now!”
“No.”
“Do it or I’m flying home immediately to meet her in person.”
She’s determined enough to do it. Fickle she may be, but when she wants something, she goes for it with the single-minded focus of a starving teenage boy reaching for a TV dinner. Sighing, I pull the phone away from my ear and put it on speaker. I mouth to Molly,You don’t have to do anything.
Nodding, she smiles.
“Hello? Who is this? Are you the reason my son is childless?” Mom demands.
Molly blinks at the blunt question. “Uh…hi. And, um, I don’t think so…?”
“Good,” Mom says, obviously not recognizing Molly. Not surprising. When Mom’s focused on something, she’s like a runaway train. “So are you going to have his child in the next week or two? I honestly don’t want to wait a month.”
“I can send Joey with some stuff to help. You know he’s good at that sort of thing,” Dad calls out.
Oh God, not Joey.He does everything Dad asks, including sending hookers to our homes because that’s what Dad decided was the proper way to get babies out of us. Thank God my parents didn’t stoop quite that low this time, but I’m not risking anything. Not while I have Molly here.
“We donotneed Joey’s help.” My voice is cold enough to freeze the entire Pacific.
“If she’s not going to have your baby in the next two weeks, what is she?” Dad asks. “Wait, I know! She’s your side piece!” He sounds as proud as a puppy that just mastered a new trick.
Molly cringes.
I should buy a weapons manufacturer. That way, I can drone-strike my father. “She’s not a side piece!”
“Fine, fine,” Dad says. “The main piece?”
Mom huffs. She’s probably throwing her hair over her shoulder, too. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ted. It’s called agirlfriend.”
“Uh, we’re really—” Molly begins.
“Oh, honey, you don’t have to explain. We get it. You think you’re too young to have a baby. But that isn’t true. Having a baby won’t ruin your body. You’ll still be hot enough to be a movie star. Tell her, Ted.”
“Of course! I’ll cast you in my next movie! I promise!”
Molly clears her throat. “That’s not—”
Mom is undeterred. “Having a baby is easier if you do it earlier rather than—”
“Goodbye, Mother. Father,” I say at the same time Dad shouts, “I’ll come over right now and audition her!”
