“That’s not my problem,” Jules said, but their voice lacked conviction. “I’m finally at a point in my life where I want to put myself first. The one thing I’ve never done in my life is allow myself to be someone’s means of figuring out who they are and what they want. It’s his loss.”
Ollie tilted his head. “I think you’re full of shit. You’re sitting here, drinking my coffee and sketching his face on anything remotely resembling paper.”
“I only did that once.”
“Twice,” Sam corrected. “And one of them was very good.”
Jules looked between their friends, heart twisting. “I don’t want to be someone’s experiment. I’m not a phase. I’m not a curiosity. I’ve had enough people who just want to try being with someone with a penis or who think I’m interesting until they realize I come with actual feelings.”
“We know,” Sam said softly. “And you deserve more than that. You’re acting like he’s some closet case. He’s not. He’s just so mired in who he thinks his parents expect him to be that he probably doesn’t have a clue what he needs. If he kissed you?—”
“Then why hasn’t he said anything?” Jules’s voice cracked. “Why hasn’t he looked at me or talked to me or even left a note saying, ‘Hey, sorry I was a coward, my bad?’ It’s the silent treatment I can’t deal with.”
“Because he’s scared,” Ollie said simply. “Youscare him.”
Jules blinked. “Me?”
“Jules, you’re everything he’s not. You’re so full of life and do whatever the hell you want. You’re comfortable with who you are and don’t worry about what anyone thinks of you. That’s terrifying to someone who’s spent his whole life being measured and careful.”
Jules took the time to consider Ollie’s words. He was a smart man, and as much as Jules gave him a hard time about being flighty, he was actually incredibly well grounded. He had to be with everything he was trying to make work in his life.
“I’m not going to make myself smaller so he can feel safe,” Jules said, arms crossing tight over their chest.
“No one’s asking you to,” Sam replied. “But maybe don’t run before he gets the chance to catch up.”
Silence stretched between them, broken only by the gentle scratch of the record player switching to the next track.
After a minute, Ollie nudged Jules’s foot. “So what now? You move in with me and become the ghost of emotional avoidance? We can hang up a curtain and call it your haunted corner.”
Jules laughed despite themself. “Tempting, but your couch is destroying my back.”
“You’re welcome to crash here whenever you need it,” Ollie said. “But maybe it’s time for you to go home.”
“Home,” Jules echoed softly. This situation with Keaton had them feeling completely untethered. Their parents were packing the last of their belongings into a trailer that would be picked up in a few days. They were closing on the house early next week, and then they’d really have nowhere else to go.
No home. Drifting aimlessly.
They thought of the sage-green walls, the bookshelf they’d rearranged three times, the way Keaton always left the light on over the stove when he knew Jules would be home late. The quiet comfort of sharing space, the slow unfolding of something that felt like maybe.
And the kiss. God, that kiss. Jules was a sucker for a man who knew how to kiss, and they weren’t sure anyone could do it better than Keaton. Damn the power company for getting the electricity back on so quickly.
There was a brief moment when they’d thought the kiss meant something. That Keaton had felt the simmering chemistry between them and finally given in, pushing aside whatever had been holding him back. And maybe he had, but that didn’t change the fact that he’d run right when things were heating up.
But they weren’t going to chase someone who didn’t know what they wanted.
“I’ll go back,” Jules said finally. “It’ll be…normal. Roommate normal. No more late nights on the balcony. No more sketchingas if I’m Jack and he’s my Rose.” Okay, that was melodramatic. Ollie was obviously rubbing off on them.
Sam gave them a long look. “I get you’re trying to protect your heart, Jules. Just don’t build a wall so high no one can climb it—even the ones who want to.”
“I’ll keep a ladder nearby,” they said with a tired smile.
Ollie grinned. “And if you need to escape again, the tequila is in the freezer and the couch is always yours.”
Jules sipped their coffee, savoring the warmth. They’d go back to face Keaton. They just needed to finish their coffee first.
Maybe they were making too big of a deal about this. Maybetheywere the one actually making things weird between the two of them. It was only by facing what had happened that they could prove to Keaton it didn’t need to ruin the friendship they’d been building.
Jules lingered at Ollie’s front door longer than necessary, one hand braced against the frame, the other curled around the strap of their bag. It was easy to be brave when they were sitting on the couch, surrounded by their friends, but as soon as Jules walked through that door, there would be no turning back.
