“Arethe two of you headed out for the day?”Kevinasked, breaking the uncomfortable silence between us.
“Well,Ihave to go to the park for a bit.Apparently, someone called out for the morning shift andMomneeds me to open the food tent.That’snot exactly a good place for keepingBartout of trouble…”Great, nowIwas rambling.Itshouldn’t be so hard to askKevinto take care of the dog since he’d been the one to offer.Hell, now thatI’ddriven a wedge between us by doing something as foolish as kissing him, maybe he was the one who was relieved we hadn’t put that stupid gate in the fence.
Iwas startled whenKevin’shand covered mine. “It’snot a problem.Ipicked up a bag of the food you keep at your place, just in case you had an emergency or something.We’llbe fine.”
“Areyou sure?Iknow you sometimes head over to help your mom on your days off.”
“I’msure.Ifshe does call with a list, would you have a problem with me takingBartover there?Ithink she’d get a kick out of him, and ifI’mlucky,Imight be able to use him needing a walk as an excuse to get out for a walk.”God, how in the world hadIthought for a second this man needed or even wanted someone to take charge?Ashappy-go-lucky as he seemed most of the time, he was a master at coming up with plans on the fly.Hearinghim speak so effortlessly about loading up my dog for a visit with his mom warmed something inside of me.Mademe wishIcould be more like him.
“Onlyif you’re sure she won’t mind,”Ihedged.IfIbrought a “friend’s” dog to my parents’ place,Momwould have a million and one questions for me.Judgingby everythingKevinhad told me, his mom was a deeply private person.Woulda stranger’s dog be seen as an intruder to her?
“It’llbe fine,Anson,”Kevinassured me, although everything about his demeanor this morning felt stilted. “Now, get your butt down to the park before you get in trouble.”
Ioffered him a mock salute and thanks before heading to my truck.Ihad to find a way to get things back on an even keel.
9
KEVIN
Ithad beenthree weeks sincethat night—the single hottest night of my life despite the fact we’d barely made it past first base—and the morning after when regret had been plastered all overAnson’sface.I’dknown it was too good to be true.Whateverhad gotten intoAnson, the sleep had allowed his mind to clear, and it was obvious there would be no repeats.
“Sweetie, what’s going on with you?Iswork burning you out?Ifthey’re working you too many hours, you should say something.”Mom’sattention was on her crocheting, but not so much she couldn’t worry about me. “Itwon’t do anyone any good for an exhausted cop to be out on the streets.That’swhen mistakes happen.”
I’dreally thought signing her up for a class at the local yarn shop would give her something to do with her time other than watch cable television.Hernewest obsession was anything crime-related, and she didn’t discriminate between fiction and reality.Attimes,Iwondered if she realized there was a difference between the two.
“I’mfine,Mom,”Ilied.Therewas no wayIwould tell herIwas pining over my neighbor.Assupportive as she was about my sexuality,Iknew she worried about me.Evenin a small town, being a gay cop wasn’t a good bet. “Howis your class going?Youseem to be picking things up quickly.”
Inthe past week, she’d made a lot of progress on the shawl they were working on in class.Iwas proud of her, even if she was only getting out of the house one day a week.Itwas a start.Eventually,Imight see if there were other activities that might help her find a new normal.
“It’sgood, but everyone there is so old,” she complained.Thathad been one of her chief complaints my entire life.Evenwhen there were other moms her age, she never fit in with them.She’dfallen hard and fast for my dad, believing he wanted to save her.Ithad never dawned on her that she didn’t need saving or that he was the evil she needed protection from.Andwhen the blinders eventually came off, she’d been left a shell of herself.Now, she was just the other side of fifty, had no clue how to interact with women her age, and didn’t want to be one of the old ladies.Myheart ached for her.
Andthen, an uncomfortable realization slapped me in the face.ThemanI’dbeen pining over wasn’t much younger than my mom.Granted, she’d been really young when she had me, but it was still odd.HowI’dnever thought of the age difference in those terms was beyond me, but nowIworriedIwouldn’t be able to get past it.
Notonly that, but the age difference between us was almost the same as that between my parents.Ifshe thought he was manipulating me the same way my father had her, it would break my heart in two.
“Mom, it’s not like you’re hanging out at the senior center.Ifyou like it, maybe there are other groups you can get involved with at the shop.”NovelKnotswas a newer business onMainStreet, but the owner,Trinity, was busting their backside to create a welcoming environment for book lovers and crafters.Fromthe looks of things, they’d found a great concept with an overlap in customer base. “Maybeyou could even try out a book club.Youused to always have a book on the end table next to you.”
“Maybe,”Momresponded noncommittally.Ihated seeing her so disinterested in everything.Soon,I’dbe forced to push her to call the doctor again.Hercurrent medication dose obviously wasn’t doing the job anymore. “Theydid have a book coming up next month that looked interesting.”
Asshe talked,Ipulled out my phone and opened a browser.Thiswas the closest she’d come to taking the initiative to do something she’d enjoy, andIwanted to do everything in my power to encourage her. “What’sthe book about?”
Shehesitated as if she thoughtImight judge her for whatever she wanted to read.IfIhadn’t been no-contact with my father for more than a decade,I’dhave unleashed every bit of pent-up rageIfelt over what he’d done to her.Itwas his fault she never felt comfortable admitting she liked anything without somehow being validated by a man in her life.Fortoo long, that had been me.Itwas a cycle that needed to be broken, butIwasn’t sure how.
“What’sthe title?”Iasked.Maybethat would be easier for her.
Sheaverted her eyes to the floor.MaybeI’dbeen wrong.Whenshe finally spoke, her voice wavered, so quietIhad to step closer to hear her. “It’sabout an immigrant woman.She’s…Well, she calls herself queer, butIknow that’s not a polite word to use.”
“Mom, we’ve talked about this before…”Imoved to the couch across from her, hoping she’d eventually meet my eyes. “Ifthat’s how she identifies, it’s not a slur.Thereare a lot of people, especially my age and younger, who have decided to reclaim the term.Isit a novel?”
Sheshakes her head. “No, it’s…Well, it sounds an awful lot like a memoir.Ihaven’t read many of those, butIthinkImight like to try.”
“Ithink that’s a great idea.”Shesat up a bit straighter. “Doyou know ifTrinityhas it in stock?Wecould run down there today and look around.”
“Oh,I’mnot so sure if that’s a good idea.”Shepatted her hair the way she did when she felt insecure about her looks.Maybeit was also time to callJasperand get her in for a day of pampering.Itfelt as though she was on the verge of some sort of breakthrough.Shejust needed a bit of help to get to where she wanted to be.
“It’sa great day for a walk,Mom.Whydon’t you go and get changed, and we’ll head out.”
Shestilled, andIbraced myself for a breakdown.She’dspent so much of her life being told what to do.Ididn’t want her to look at me and thinkIwas turning into my father.Timestood still asIwaited for any sort of reaction from her.Finally, she nodded, scooting closer to the edge of her chair. “Y-yes,Ican do that.”
