That thought plagued me on the drive home. Sure, I’d always had issues with my family, but it wasn’t until today that I realized I’d never fit in with them. I’d been raised that even if you didn’t like your family, you owed them love and respect. Never mind the fact I wasn’t offered the same in return.
Spending the day with the Langsfords was like pulling back the blindfold and seeing everything you’d always wanted, only to have it snatched away.
“Hey, are you okay?” I flinched at Carson’s voice as he placed his hand over mine. I stared at the houses along Main Street, not wanting to burden him with this. “Talk to me, Ezra. What’s going on?”
“I was thinking about spending time with my family tomorrow and how unpleasant that’s going to be after today.” Understatement of the century. It was going to be hell, pretending to be the dutiful son when I was only going through the motions at our church service. I was going for my grandmother’s benefit, no one else’s. She believed it was our duty to be in attendance every week, but especially during certain times of the year. I let out a resigned sigh, allowing my head to fall back against the headrest, turning so I could see him. “You’re really lucky to have such an amazing family. I hope you know that.”
“Trust me, I do.” He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as he approached the center of town. “I’m glad I was able to share today with you. You helped me see what I’ve been taking for granted for too damned long.”
“That’s probably easy to do when it’s your normal.” Carson laced his fingers through mine as he continued down the street after letting a truck cross the intersection. Teddy waved as we passed their house. The front was adorned with meticulous rows of white and blue icicle lights, and there was a pretty family of lighted deer silhouettes on the front lawn. I envied them having a place they could decorate like that. “You really seem to love the holidays though.”
“Yeah, I guess I do.” It would have sounded pathetic if I’d admitted why I was such a geek about making sure others had happy holidays. It was my way of giving others what I didn’t have.
“So why don’t you have a tree or anything at your place?”
“I guess it doesn’t make much sense to decorate when I’m the only person who will see it,” I admitted. When he pulled up to the next stop sign, he continued straight rather than turn toward my apartment complex. “Um, Carson? I think you forgot to turn back there.”
“Nope.” He sat straighter behind the wheel, then leaned forward and turned on the stereo. If not for the fact the streets were mostly deserted already, I’d have worried about him paying more attention to the dashboard than the road ahead. Finally, he found what he was looking for and turned the volume up. “Do you have anything you need to get home for at a certain time?”
“No.” I never had plans until recently, and those had all been with the man sitting next to me. The melancholy that had been threatening to settle lifted. “What did you have in mind?”
“You’ll see.” His eyes sparkled under every streetlight we passed. Something had possessed my boyfriend—and OMG, I had a boyfriend now!—and he started singing along with the radio. He was no Bing Crosby, but his voice was a warm, rich baritone I wanted to serenade me all night. “You know, someone once pointed out that it was ridiculous of me to be anti-Christmas just because my family tried so hard to make good memories for us when we were younger.”
“You don’t say,” I scoffed. “Whoever that was must have been pretty bold to make such an observation.”
“I think you’re right,” he responded playfully. “I think I’m going to take his advice and turn over a new leaf or whatever. You want to help me?”
“Absolutely!” I closed my eyes and swayed gently as Mariah Carey’s voice started singing “O Holy Night.” I wasn’t much of a fan of some of her Christmas tunes, but this had always been one of my favorites, and even Mimi couldn’t mess it up.
We sang along with the satellite channel’s playlist all the way to Pineville. Carson pulled into the parking lot of one of the big-box stores, turned off the engine, and turned to me. “Let’s go get you some Christmas decorations.”
“I already told you there’s not much point since I’m the only one who will see them.”
He ignored me, jumping out of the truck and coming around to open my door. “Not true. I was there earlier this week, and I noticed. And if you’re my boyfriend now, I might start spending more time there. Just because I’m not one of those weirdos who decorates for Christmas while there are still trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate them when they’re in someone else’s house.”
My heart raced as I imagined curling up on the couch with him to watch TV in the evenings, with only the glow from the Christmas tree lighting the room. There was a ledge along the exterior wall of the apartment where I could start building my own Christmas village, but I’d be particular about what buildings I picked up so they weren’t gaudy. My village needed to have character. And if I was unleashing the holiday spirit at home, I’d definitely have to pick up some candles or something so I could smell cinnamon and apples whenever I walked in.
“Would you really want to help me decorate? That’s…” I pressed my lips together, not wanting to point out how domestic shopping for Christmas decorations together felt. It was just a few hours ago that he asked me to give this chemistry between us a real chance. Heck, I hadn’t even gotten an opportunity to text Mara and tell her the good news. And now, he was talking about choosing home decor.
“Relax, Ez.” He guided me away from the doors, wrapping me in his broad arms. “You like Christmas but don’t have anything to lift your mood in your home. I want to help you with that. It’s sort of like how none of us complain when Mom wants us to help decorate the house. It makes her happy, and her being happy is something that makes all of our lives easier. I wouldn’t do any of this for myself, but I know it’ll make you feel good. So we’re going to go in there and pick up some things.”
“How can you say you don’t do relationships?” I mused as we grabbed a cart and wandered toward the back of the store. It wasn’t fair that he swore he didn’t have experience being in a relationship, but he was somehow a natural at it.
He bumped his shoulder against mine. “Maybe I subconsciously knew none of them were worth committing myself to.”
“And I am?”
“Time will tell, I suppose.” That he was so honest with me about not knowing for certain where things between us would lead meant the world to me. I’d rather have cautious honesty than someone blowing sunshine up my backside. “Where should we start? Do you want an artificial tree? If not, there was a stand at the front of the parking lot. We can stop there on our way out to see if there’s a tree that catches your eye.”
“I think artificial will be better. That way, I don’t have to worry about remembering to water it.” When I’d been a kid, my parents loved casually bemoaning the dangers of real trees. Whenever there was an incident involving a tree being to blame for a house fire, they talked about it where we could hear, and that would become even more reason for us to not put up a tree. As soon as the seasonal area came into view, my eyes were drawn to the tallest, fullest tree in the display. And then I spotted a rainbow-colored tree. There were white ones and realistic ones, and some with programmable lights. It became apparent I couldn’t be trusted to make this decision because I wanted all of them. “How big do you think I can get away with in my living room without feeling like I’m living inside the tree?”
Carson scratched his beard as he slowly walked the line, reading the tag on each before moving along. He came back to one in the center of the row. He plucked one of the pick tags out of the plastic holder. “This one. It’s not garishly big, but it doesn’t look cheap either. And it’s got programmable lights, so you can pick the color scheme you want once the ornaments are on it.”
I checked the price, mentally comparing it to the balance in my bank account. I wasn’t hurting by any means, but that was because I didn’t make frivolous, impulsive purchases. This felt like both.
“Come on, Ezra,” he mock-whined when I took too long to decide. “I bet I can find a way to make the lights play in sync with music.”
“You cannot,” I argued. While it would be cool for a few minutes, it would drive one of us crazy if it continued for too long. Carson raised one eyebrow as if asking if I was daring him to do it. “Fine, you probably can, but that doesn’t mean you should. What about something smaller?”
