“It’s not foolish, Dad.” James looked ready to bolt at any second. “And don’t tell me it’s a phase or me trying to rebel against you or that Theo somehow convinced me to be gay. I’ve known I liked boys almost as long as I can remember. In kindergarten, I got picked on because I wanted to play house with the girls but I didn’t want to pretend to be the daddy to the girls being mommy. I wanted another daddy.”
“That doesn’t mean any—”
I held up a hand to silence Mr. Davis. James deserved the respect of being allowed to speak. “Go on, James. This is your opportunity to get everything out. We talked about this in group, remember?”
Mr. Davis glared at me. His wife, on the other hand, seemed conflicted between her “god-fearing” husband and the child she claimed to love. If only she was upset enough to stand up for her son.
“Maybe it doesn’t, but that’s my truth. Do you remember how I used to get super mad when people would ask me if Jenny was my girlfriend?” That seemed to create a fissure in the wall that had been erected between father and son. Mrs. Davis let out a quiet sob. “You always told me that someday I’d change my mind. But even then, I knew I wouldn’t. Don’t ask me how, but I did. I didn’t want to change my mind to start liking girls. I didn’t like it when you got upset about Eli and me holding hands when we walked to the park. You never did that when Jenny held my hand.”
“Well, that’s… that’s different. It’s not the same at all.” I pressed my lips together and tried to keep my amusement from showing. Mr. Davis knew he was losing this battle. I was so damned proud of James. He was so much stronger than he realized.
“And why not?” James asked, challenging his father with a question I knew had been brewing inside him for years. “How is it different?”
“Because…” Mr. Davis faltered. It was clear he was grappling with the inconsistencies of his beliefs. “It just is.”
“Because it makes you uncomfortable?” James prodded. “You’re okay with Billy, right? You always said you admired how he and his brothers built Harmony House. Isn't it ironic that you're here now, berating your son for being like him?”
I saw Mrs. Davis’s eyes widen as she turned to look at me. Well shit. That was a turn I hadn’t expected things to take. I flipped through my memories, trying to think of any time I might have given James the idea I was gay.
I wasn’t, for the record. The kids who frequented the center all knew I wasn’t straight but that was as far as I’d ever gone about discussing my sexual identity. That wasn’t because I was ashamed but because I was uncertain. But that was neither here nor there. We were supposed to be talking about James right now.
“We're not here to discuss me,” I interjected, sensing the direction this conversation was headed. “We're here to talk about you, James. And how you feel. From the sounds of it, your parents do love you.”
“Of course we do,” Mrs. Davis blurted out. Her husband’s eyes narrowed but he didn’t dispute her. “James, you’ll always be our little boy. We just don’t understand how you could make this choice when you know what the Bible says.”
“Do you seriously think I wouldchoosethis life, Mom?” James leaned against the wall as it he might fall over without its support. “If I could choose to be straight or gay, it would be so much easier to be straight. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about having a place to stay or if my family would accept me. I wouldn’t go to bed every night, praying to a god I’ve been taught doesn’t accept people like me, asking him to somehow open your hearts so you’ll see this is how He made me.”
“How can you—”
This time, it was James who cut him off. “If your objections about me being gay aren’t because of your faith, then why can’t you accept that I’m in love with Theo? You know what, maybe you shouldn’t answer that question after all…”
To his credit, Mr. Davis didn’t respond immediately. “I’m sorry, James. You’re right. If you’d like, we can sit down with Pastor Isaac and get his counsel about this.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” James admitted. “I think it might be good for you to talk to him, but now isn’t the time for us to talk to him together.”
Isaac was a decent enough man. He seemed more progressive than the previous pastor at their church, but that wasn’t saying much. While the rest of the churches in town were trying to open their minds, the congregation of Truth and Light Assembly was holding onto their bigotry like a security blanket.
“None of this feels good, Dad,” James continued, his voice quivering. “It doesn’t feel good to know that you might not accept me for who I am. That you might not love me the same. Mom… it doesn’t feel good to think you might look at me differently. This is a time when I should be happy. And I am as long as I don’t get too deep into my head worrying about how you’ll react. Theo’s good to me. And if you give him a chance, you’ll see that, too.”
He was crying now, but he stood his ground, facing his parents with a courage that was awe-inspiring.
Mrs. Davis seemed ready to break. Her eyes were filled with tears, too. She looked at her husband, then back at James, her expression a turbulent mix of guilt, confusion, and grief.
“I… I need to think, James,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “I need time to process this.”
“Sure, Mom,” James said, nodding, holding back fresh tears. “Take your time. I just want you to remember, I’m still me. I’m still your son.”
Mr. Davis stayed silent. There was a storm raging behind his eyes, but for the moment, he didn’t say anything. He just followed his wife out of Harmony House, leaving James alone with me.
After they left, James fell into one of the couches, his body shaking with suppressed sobs. I went over to him, offering a silent presence, support he could lean on. We stayed like that for a while. James shedding the stress and fear, me there as a testament to his courage.
The rest of the day was quieter, subdued. James was strong, more resilient than most adults I knew. He hung around, participating in the study group, smiling and even laughing a bit. He’d taken a monumental step today, a step that could’ve fractured his family but, hopefully, would end up making it stronger.
Around four, Theo arrived and James’s entire demeanor changed. Seeing him curled up at the end of the couch and quiet, Theo rushed to his side. The two of them disappeared onto the back deck to talk. When they came back, James wasn’t necessarily happy but it was obvious he felt better being able to talk to the person who knew him better than just about anyone else.
As I closed the center for the day, my mind drifted back to the confrontation. To James and his bravery. I’d never understand parents like his, but they were a big part of the reason places like Harmony House needed to exist. Without us, James might not have had the courage to speak his truth.
Dinner at my parents' house always soothed me after a hard day. The two-story farmhouse, painted a vibrant blue with white trim, had been a haven for my brothers and me growing up. The mature trees standing sentinel in the front yard had been the location of countless games, climbs, and quiet moments of reflection.
