I cared about Linc, probably even loved him in the screwed up way I was capable of, but I still wasn’t sure I was willing to go down that road again. He was the one person I’d opened up to and he’d turned me down. I’d been so sure he’d wrap me up in his strong arms and throw me down on the bed that I hadn’t prepared for any other scenario. And it stung.
Now, he was the one asking for more than friendship from me, and I couldn’t get past my own fears.
Plus, Linc deserved to be with someone who would take him out on the town, go to Hunter’s games with him, share all the special moments in Lincoln’s life. I wasn’t that man. I’d neverbethat man.
I grew up in a home where love was known and not shown. My parents never held hands in public, never showed any signs of affection. As far as they were concerned, love was something you were supposed to trust in without needing outward displays to prove it to anyone else. I don’t think my parents even realized how fucked up that was, or how much they’d screwed with my own views.
Now, I was in my forties and alone, partly because I had it so deeply ingrained in me that private lives were meant to stay private, and I hated them for it. It should be easy to do the opposite of what they’d done, but in reality, it wasn’t. And that part wasn’t their fault. That part was because even though I’d always known I was gay, it’d been easy to ignore any sort of attraction rather than face the backlash.
Was Lincoln worth putting myself out there? Without a doubt, but that didn’t mean I could take the leap.
I was being a complete idiot. The time for torturing myself over a crush had long since passed. Resolved, I set my laptop to the side and pulled my phone out of my shorts, flipping it over in my hands a few times while I figured out what I wanted to say.
Reminding myself that starting a relationship with Lincoln wasn’t fair when I couldn’t be the man he wanted in his life.
But I could be his friend. Before I could punk out again, I unlocked my phone and scrolled to his name.
He answered before the phone even rang on my end. “Hey, I was starting to think you’d lost my number.”
“No, I just…” What could I say?I just couldn’t talk to you, knowing that what I want to say and what I should say are so completely different?No, that wouldn’t do. So, I deflected. Blamed my job. It was an easy enough stretch of the truth. “Things have been a bit crazy up here. Those damn cameras have been everywhere, there’ve been more fans hanging around than ever before, and somewhere in there, there’s been football to play.”
“Hey, you don’t need to explain yourself to me,” Linc said softly. “I was giving you a hard time. I knew you’d call when you were ready.”
“Yeah, well the grapevine kind of let me know it was time,” I responded, trying to hide the bitterness I felt over having my hand forced. Yes, I’d promised myself I’d call him today, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel backed into a corner by Teddy and his little hint that Linc was going to be in Birmingham on Sunday. “I hear you’re taking Hunter to the game Sunday.”
“Yeah, we try to make a few every year,” he informed me. That made sense, since he’d played for them for years. “Usually, we sit in the owner’s box, but Hunter wanted to take some of his buddies this time so we’ll be out there with the masses.”
“How’s that going to work?” I asked. Former football players weren’t hounded everywhere they went like current players could be, but he wasn’t just any player and he was walking back into his former stadium. The fans were going to lose their damn minds.
“I think we’ll be okay,” Linc said, the hitch in his voice betraying his false bravado. “And it’s not like Hunter and I will get many more of these moments. I was surprised he wanted me there at all, to be honest.”
“Why would you say that?” I shifted in my seat, trying to get comfortable. Talking about Hunter with Linc had never been easy, but now I felt as though I was keeping something from my friend. But I’d better get used to it, since I had to find a way to talk to him about Hunter’s injury. “You two were always close. You used to take him to college games every Saturday you were in town.”
“Yeah, but things change.” Linc sounded almost as somber as he had when his marriage fell apart. Both changes in his life were inevitable, but that didn’t mean they were pleasant. “It’s like I blinked somewhere along the way, and suddenly he’s not my little buddy anymore. He’s a grown man with his own life and no time for kid stuff.”
“That’s a good thing,” I reassured him. “It means you did your job as a parent. I know you probably don’t see it that way, but you’ve raised him to be independent and do his own thing.”
“You know, for someone who claims to have zero people skills, you’re pretty good at talking people through their crises,” Lincoln teased.
“Probably because you know me well enough to know I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it,” I responded flatly. “That’s the part I suck at. I’m no good at telling people what they want to hear, and a lot of times, that backfires. But seriously, I think it’s great that you’re doing this for Hunter. And it probably meant a lot to him that you’re willing to sit where he wants for once. It shows you respect him.”
“You’re right,” he agreed, letting out a long sigh. “Damn, when did we get old, Nix? I keep looking around the house, trying to figure out where my life’s gone. Now that Isabella’s gone and Hunter is spending more time at his friend’s apartment, it’s too quiet. Empty.”
“It happens.” I hated how lonely Lincoln felt. I’d never know that type of loss, because I’d always lived on my own. Sure, there were times I wished someone else was there at night, but I liked my peaceful, ordered life. At least, that’s what I told myself. “Maybe it’s time for you to get out and live for yourself. Get out of that house. Go somewhere.”
“Yeah, but where? The only time I got out to do anything while I was home was when I visited Patrick, and lately, that’d been a bit unnerving. He was unpredictable at best, angry and bitter with the world at worst. I’d been shying away from visiting as much as I used to because it was hard to see him wasting away.”
I swallowed hard, hating that no matter how well I did my job, there were always going to be cases like Patrick out there. If I’d come into this world when I was younger, I’d like to think I would have been more dedicated to finding a way to keep the sportand its playersalive and well.
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Come to Wilmington.”
7
Lincoln
“Come to Wilmington.”Nixon’s suggestion from our Friday night phone call echoed through my head. That night, I tossed and turned, trying to figure out if he was inviting me to spend time with an old friend or if he was alluding to something more. The lack of sleep was a special type of torture yesterday, but my mind was granted a reprieve while I focused on Hunter’s game.
Unfortunately, even a full day of tailgating, game watching, and dinner with four ravenous football players didn’t exhaust me enough to sleep last night. I couldn’t stop thinking about Nixon’s solution to the sudden loneliness I felt when I was at home.
