“And she can do that just as well with him in there with her as she could if he’s sitting out here,” Deegan insisted. “Honestly, Mom, why do you have to be such a bitch to him all the time?”
“Deegan Michael,” she scolded. “You watch your language. I’d expect that fromhimbut you’re better than that.”
“No, I’m really not,” Deegan argued. It was refreshing to see him standing up for Tanner the way he used to. “You put me up on this pedestal like I’m something special, but I’m not. You’ve always acted like Tanner is a disappointment because he’s strong enough to not bow to what you wanted him to be. He’s living his own life, and you can’t deal with that. And, honestly, I think you’re jealous of how close he is to Nana but you refuse admit the role you played in their relationship. Now, we’re going to take him down to the room. If you can’t act like a civilized human being, maybe you should stay home when Dad and Jerry come back to visit. Nana doesn’t need this shit right now.”
I choked back my amusement, hiding my laughter with a coughing fit. Lillian glared at me and I rolled my eyes, holding Tanner tightly. His body practically vibrated from pent up tension and heartbreak. I kissed his cheek. “Don’t listen to her, baby. Pay attention to Deegan and remember that he’s got your back. We all do.”
“I know,” he responded so softly I could barely hear him. “Can we go see Nana now?”
“Yeah, we can.” I didn’t pay any attention to Lillian as we passed her. Her vitriol didn’t matter to me in this moment, and it wasn’t going to do Tanner any good to see all of us fighting about him.
The nurse from earlier popped up from her chair when she noticed us walking past the desk. “I told you two visitors at a time. Two of you are going to have to wait.”
“We’re taking our partners to see their grandmother, and then we’ll head back to the waiting room,” I told her. I’d almost said our spouses and had to catch myself. Someday…
She huffed and puffed and crossed her arms over her chest but didn’t tell us that wasn’t allowed. I paused outside of Nana’s door, wanting a moment with Tanner. I turned him to face me, bracing his shoulders. “Remember, she’s had one hell of a day but she’s getting the best care possible. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“I hope you’re right.” He practically fell against my chest, throwing his arms around my torso. I gently rubbed his back as he fought his emotions. “I can’t lose her, Daddy.”
Fuck, hearing him call me that out in the open crushed my heart. It was a testament to how upset he was that he didn’t even trip over the honorific. And on the flip side, it filled me with pride knowing that’s how he was thinking of me. He trusted me to be the one to take care of him.
“You won’t, baby.” God, I hoped I was right.
19
Tanner
Ryan wasthe best boyfriend and Daddy in the world. It was only because of him that I did things like eat, sleep, and shower in the week after Nana’s stroke. Every morning, he drove me up to see her, and every afternoon he came back after getting some work done at the apartment.
I had one more week before we were supposed to head back to Annandale, and I hadn’t gotten anything accomplished with packing up my shit so I could go with him. I felt like the worst boyfriend and boy in the world because Nana’s slow recovery made it hard for me to be excited about moving away.
“Tell me…what’s…on your…mind.” Nana took my hand in both of hers. I closed my eyes and tried to memorize the feel of her paper-thin skin. It was a stupid thing to fixate on, but there was something about the silkiness of it that had always soothed me, ever since I was a little boy. I couldn’t lay my problems on her when she was still sitting in a hospital bed waiting to find out where she’d be going when they let her out of here, but this I could absorb.
“Just thinking about life, Nana,” I offered, hoping that would be enough. She was the one I’d always gone to for the heavy conversations. She’d been the first person in the family I came out to, and I didn’t let out a breath until she said that she hoped one day I found a man who would love me the way I deserved to be loved. In light of everything that happened recently, I was grateful she was still here to see how well Ryan treated me.
“He makes…you…happy,” she said, as if she knew the memory I had in my mind. I nodded, sucking my bottom lip between my teeth. “Love…isn’t…easy.”
“No, it sure isn’t.” I chuckled, because what else was I supposed to do? I didn’t like complicated shit, and the one time I decided to truly say fuck it and do what was going to make me happy, she wound up in the hospital the same day. I didn’t want to have to choose between being here to spend what time I could with her or being with Ryan. I wanted the two of them close to me, but that wasn’t possible.
She pressed a hand to my chest. “Listen to…your heart. It knows…what…the brain…doesn’t.” It sucked watching the woman who always had something to say, struggling to find her words. But the one time I’d shown her how upsetting that was, she scolded me for pitying her. She was determined she’d make a full recovery given enough time, and like Ryan said, she was stubborn enough to will herself back to health.
But what if my heart is conflicted, too?I didn’t give voice to the question because I was trying really hard to not exhaust her with my issues.
I heard my mother’s voice before she even entered the room, my dad and Uncle Jerry in tow. “Oh good, you’re here.”
That was the most cordial greeting I’d had from her, but something about it set me on edge. She’d spent the past five mornings accusing me of avoiding my responsibilities to sit with Nana like a simpering child, and suddenly she was happy to see me sitting in the chair that would likely have my butt imprints in it after Nana was discharged? Yeah, she was up to something.
She pulled a chair to the other side of Nana’s bed, forcing Dad and Jerry to stand. Dad rested a hand on my shoulder when I tried to get up, smiling down at me and giving me a curt nod. He’d gotten more chill recently while my mom was even more of a bitch.
“Estelle, how are you feeling this morning?” I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing when Nana rolled her eyes. Mom was talking slow and loud as hell, as if the stroke had rendered Nana hard of hearing and incapable of processing what people were saying to her. It just showed how performative her presence here was. She hadn’t actually listened to a damn thing the doctors had said. Nana tensed when Mom took her other hand. “The doctors say you’re ready to get out of the hospital today. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“I…know. They talked…to…us…this morning.” Nana sat up straighter and sucked in a deep breath. She’d never liked my mom, so it had to be killing Nana to see her sons allowing her to steamroll them and act like she was the one in control. Then again, we were all used to it at this point. Sometimes, I wondered what Dad would be like if he’d married someone normal. “I want…my…house.”
Mom plastered on the fakest of smiles and nodded. “We thought that would likely be the case. But you know they won’t let you go home unless you have someone to take care of you, right? They’re worried you’ll push too hard, and you’re going to need help for a while.”
“I’ll…be fine,” Nana argued. “Don’t need…babysitter.”
“Estelle, it’s not a babysitter. You’re not going to be able to do everything you’re used to, and we all want to make sure you don’t suffer a setback,” Mom explained. Someone behind me cleared their throat. Mom glared past me, to whichever of them wasn’t buying her sweet concern anymore than Nana and I were. “What if Tanner comes to stay with you for a while? It’s not ideal, but perhaps you’d be comfortable having him there with you instead of one of us.”
