“Babe, I get that it’s tough for you, knowing that Eric and I have a past, but he’s nothing compared to you. We had fun, but neither of us were ever foolish enough to think there was something more between us,” he told me. “I never thought about coming out when I was with him because what we had would never have gone beyond closed doors.”
“But you want to come out for me?” My heart raced at the thought of him making such a monumental gesture for me. It terrified me as I thought about the pressure that would be placed on our relationship, and how it’d be impossible to hope for anything in our lives to be private.
And if he came out, it would only be a matter of time before I had to publicly admit that I loved him. Was I ready for that?
“Yeah, I would.” He said it with such conviction that I knew whatever we faced would be worth it. “I can’t promise you when it’ll be, but the only thing worse than facing the media shitstorm that’s bound to hit is never being able to admit how much I love you.”
A sense of peace washed over me as I walked to the management office to turn in my keys. After informing them that a service would be coming in to do a deep clean the following week and signing some paperwork, Sean and I walked back to his truck. I’d loved my time living in Chicago and even considered planting roots here once my career was over, but now I was excited to be leaving. Sean laced his fingers with mine as he pulled into traffic, solidifying the feeling of rightness that washed over me.
* * *
By the timewe pulled into the large circle drive in front of Eric’s house, my anxiety was at an all-time high. This was going to be the first time Sean and I had been in a social setting since solidifying our relationship and I worried it’d be impossible to keep my hands off him for the next few hours.
Hell, if it hadn’t been for Jason and Eric earlier, we likely would have been caught with our pants down, literally, by the movers, simply because there was something about Sean that short-circuited my brain. When I was with him, I wanted to bewithhim and I didn’t consider the consequences.
My cheeks flushed as we rounded the house, remembering how close I’d come to screwing up everything I could have had with Sean the last time we were here. While Sean and his teammates talked about their upcoming series, I walked to the back of the property. The view from the back of the house was breathtaking, but as I got closer to the shore, I did understand why Sean loved it out here. Rather than disappear down to the beach, I sat at the top of the hill with my arms curled around my knees, watching the boats skipping across the water.
Eric’s neighbors were also having a party, and I watched as a group of kids ran down the stairs with their sand toys in hand. Even in July, the water was chilly, but it didn’t seem to faze the kids as they waded in and then ran back out.
A couple of men from the party waved at me as they made their way down to join the kids. “Daddy, come look at our castle!” one little girl shouted when she saw them toeing off their shoes at the bottom of the steps.
What happened next would have knocked me off my feet had I not already been sitting. The smaller of the two guys, who still had to be over six feet tall, held out his hand for the other man and they walked hand in hand to the little girl. The larger one scooped her off the ground and kissed her all over her face until she was laughing hysterically and wiggling to get down. The men then followed her to the group of kids and plopped down in the sand next to them. Every once in a while, the men would share a look or a gentle touch that made my heart clench.
When I realized I was falling in love with Sean, I’d essentially given up on ever having a family, complete with kids running around in the backyard, but now I was starting to see that while my future family may look different from the ones depicted on the pages of magazines, it didn’t mean I couldn’t still have that.
“Hey, are you going to join the party or sit out here all day?” I looked up to see Sean standing over me. He was silhouetted by the sun, but still looked amazing. When I didn’t immediately respond, he sat next to me. It didn’t take more than a few seconds for him to realize what had captured my attention. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Just thinking,” I told him, twirling my fingers through the grass next to me. “Have you ever thought about having kids?”
This wasn’t the best time or place for this conversation, but I needed to know. My worldview was tipping on its axis yet again, and I wanted this out in the open before I let my mind wander too far.
“I think everyone thinks about it,” he responded noncommittally.
“But?” I prodded when he didn’t continue.
“It’s not something I’ve let myself seriously consider,” he admitted. “Between my schedule and the fact that I’ve spent most of my life trying to avoid serious relationships, I never saw it happening, so it seemed pointless to wish for something I’d never have.”
His logic was sound, but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting. Maybe I was the one who needed a reality check, because I hadn’t even considered the fact that it was going to be hard enough to maintain a relationship with Sean, much less think about adding anyone else into the mix.
Hell, we’d gotten lucky enough to steal some time together when I got hurt, but it wasn’t going to be like that for the next few months. Then, we’d have the winter together before having to go our separate ways yet again.
As long as both of us were playing, there was no point even considering kids. It’d be hard enough for us to convince anyone to give two gay men a child, but add in our erratic schedules and we’d be laughed out of the room.
“What about down the road?” I asked, hopefully.
“Maybe,” he conceded. I wished we were alone so I could move closer to him, or at least place my hand over his on the ground between us. “I wouldn’t be opposed to it, but there are so many factors that would have to be considered.”
He quickly glanced over his shoulder to make sure we were alone before continuing. “This is something that’s really important to you, yeah?”
“It was, but if it’s not something you want, too, I’m not going to push the issue,” I promised him. It would kill me, but I’d rather be with him and not have kids than push him into something he didn’t want or living with out him. “And you’re right, neither of us can even think about it right now because we spend so much time on the road. Forget I said anything.”
I rolled to get up, wincing when a jolt of pain shot up my arm. My hand was healing nicely, but it had been stupid to put all of my weight on it. Sean’s hand wrapped around my left wrist, pulling me back on my ass. Now I was the one looking around, paranoid that someone would see us and figure out what was going on.
“Mace, I didn’t say we couldn’t think about it, but this isn’t the right time. Remember, you’re not the only one having to change his perspective with everything that’s going on between us,” he said softly. It was times like this when I fell a bit more in love with him. He was one of the strongest men I knew, yet every bit of his strength was guarding a soft heart. “I never thought you’d feel for me the way I do about you, and I’m still working to convince myself that this won’t all go away. If it doesn’t-”
“Whenit doesn’t,” I corrected him, because in my mind the only option was to find a way to make us work.
Sean gave me a crooked smile. “Okay,whenI wake up and realize that you’re not going anywhere, I think it’s something we can talk about. But nothing’s going to happen for a long time, because despite what you think, we both have a lot of ball left in us.”
