“Chicago,” I answered, hoping he’d hear the avoidance in my tone. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky.
“That sucks. Are you going to see him again before we head out?” Although it was nice not having to hide Mason from everyone, times like this it sucked because his absence led to questions I didn’t want to answer.
“Not sure.” I tossed another empty beer bottle into the barrel. Jason leaned back in his chair and crossed his ankles, apparently settling in for a longer conversation. “Look, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m going to get all touchy-feely about my emotions. He knows I’m fighting for an All-Star roster spot and doesn’t want to be a distraction to me.”
It was enough of the truth to appease him. Jason tilted his head back to look at the clear sky as he sipped his beer. When I looked up, all I could think about was how much different the sky looked here than in Milwaukee or Chicago.
“I don’t get that, buddy,” Jason said, breaking the sliver of peace I’d started to feel. “Is it really worth the bullshit? You need to be like the rest of us and realize that the guys who get picked are the miserable saps who don’t get a break in the middle of the season. Maybe you’d be better off using that time as a way to figure out whatever bullshit’s going on at home.”
I closed my eyes and listened to the waves rolling onto the shore, wishing I could go back a few days and not push Mason to talk to me. If we’d stayed home and fooled around, he wouldn’t have told me about all the things in his life that weren’t possible as long as we were together.
I wouldn’t have realized that Mason and I had entirely different goals that couldn’t meld together to make one happily ever after. And most of all, he wouldn’t have told me that he’d put all of his own dreams aside in order to be with me. As flattering as that sounded, it was no way to have a good life. Not in the long run.
“Gee, thanks Dr. Phil,” I scoffed, throwing another empty bottle into the barrel, satisfied by the shrill crash of glass breaking. “The last time I checked, you weren’t exactly an expert when it comes to keeping a relationship together.”
Jason’s shoulders slumped forward as he clutched at the front of his shirt. I didn’t know what I’d said to cause that type of reaction out of him. I’d always thought Jason and I were alike because neither of us allowed personal drama to interfere with our success, but the somber expression on his face said otherwise. He had the look of a man who’d loved and lost at some point.
“You know, I never figured you for a dumb jock, but I’m starting to wonder if you’re so damn good on the field because you’re not the brightest bulb in the box,” Jason criticized me. He pulled the ball chain out from beneath his shirt. “Have you ever wondered why I wear these even though I was never in the military?”
I had, but figured it wasn’t my place to ask. And I’d never tried to take a closer look to see whose name was on them because I never let my gaze linger on any of the guys in the locker room. In my mind, my curiosity would have outed me and I couldn’t let that happen.
“Maybe I’m not a relationship expert, but these tags are a reminder of how much I fucked up in my own life,” he told me. He ran his fingers over the raised letters on the dog tags. “I know what it’s like to lock everything up inside because of the consequences.”
My head swam as my alcohol-dampened mind tried to process what Jason was saying. When I tried to speak, Jason held up a hand to stop me. Whatever he was trying to say, he needed me to shut up and listen.
“You can be pissed at me for not saying anything sooner, but you know how it is. And this isn’t something I’ve ever talked about. I’m not sure I want to now, but you need to hear it.” He steepled his fingers in front of his mouth for a while, only looking up when I gave his knee a reassuring squeeze.
“His name was Adam,” he began, his words hitching as he said the man’s name. “We met at summer camp when we were sixteen. I worked in the kitchen and he was a counselor. After the kids went to sleep, he’d come down to the beach where we’d all hang out at night. When the rest of the counselors and staff went off to do their own thing, we’d sneak up to my room since I had privacy.
“It was the best summer of my life, even though we got to the point where everyone thought we hated one another.” He laughed weakly. “You see, when you fall in love, it’s almost impossible to hide that, so we went overboard avoiding one another when anyone was around. We were terrified that he’d lose his job if anyone knew he was gay, because the parents would have flipped to know their sons were living in a cabin with a gay man. It’s so fucking wrong, but it’s the way it is.”
He removed the chain from his neck and allowed it to slide through his fingers. I didn’t say a word, because I had no idea where to begin. Yes, I was pissed that he hadn’t told me he was gay, but more because it led to me wondering how many other guys were in the league carrying this around. I wanted to ask him what happened after that summer, but he’d struggled to share this much.
“Look, I’m going to say this and you can take it or leave it,” he added after a long pause. “If you love him, you owe it to yourself to be honest about it. Don’t be each other’s dirty little secrets. You have the opportunity to be proud of who you are and who you love. Don’t wait until it’s too late…”
He pushed himself out of the chair and walked toward the lakefront. I watched, somewhat dazed, until I no longer saw his retreating form in the darkness.
15
Mason
I stoodin front of the mirror in my bedroom, making sure I looked decent for this meeting. Teresa left no fewer than ten messages on my phone last night, pleading with me to rethink following through on the divorce. I saved every one, on the off chance we needed it for the proceedings, but there was no way I was taking her back. The only conclusion I could draw from her desperation and eleventh-hour groveling session when I hadn’t heard from her in months was that her man on the side realized the type of woman she is quicker than I did and dropped her.
“You look fine,” Sean told me as he stepped out of the bathroom.
I turned to face him, wishing I hadn’t as rivulets of water trickled down his bare chest. The only good thing about today was that I knew I’d get to see him tonight when the game was over. If everything went well, I planned on driving to his house, kicking Abi out with instructions not to come back until I told her to, and finally getting on my hands and knees until Sean fucked me.
But before that happened, we needed to talk. When I walked in yesterday and saw him in my living room, I’d wanted to run to him and toss him to the floor so I could show how much I missed him. The only thing that stopped me was Teresa’s presence. As much as I wanted to apologize to him and see if we could make our relationship work, I wasn’t about to give her any ammunition to use against me today.
I’d hoped to talk to him last night, but for the second time since we got together, his insecurities had driven him to getting drunk out of his mind. I knew alcohol was like a truth serum to him, causing him to say shit he’d never admit to while sober, but I couldn’t use that to my advantage. I wouldn’t put myself in a position where I was left wondering whether it was his heart or the beer talking when words started tumbling from his lips.
“I so don’t want to do this,” I grumbled as I struggled to tie my tie. Sean came to stand in front of me, his legs straddling mine as he snatched the tie out of my hands. “Babe, you’re not helping. Now, all I can think about is how bad I want to yank off that towel and see what’s hiding beneath.”
“Hold it together today, don’t say anything you can’t take back and it’ll be fine,” Sean reminded me as he smoothed the front of my shirt. “And when it gets to be too much, remember that I’ll wait until I get home to shower, and then you can see what’s under the towel.”
“Not. Helping,” I growled. I pulled him to me, not giving a shit if he got my jacket wet. We were sliding back into that easy, innuendo-laced banter we’d relied on back at his place. I pushed him away, unwilling to go down this road with him again. If we were going to find a way to have a meaningful relationship, it was going to be because we worked together, both in and out of the bedroom. “Walk me to the door and lock up behind me before I freak the fuck out and refuse to leave.”
Sean did as I requested, wrapping his arms around me when we reached the door. He held me tight, tighter than normal as he nibbled at my neck. Even though I needed to get going, he didn’t release me. The pressure of his teeth on my neck and his arms around my torso grounded me to him, reminded me that this was what mattered now. He mattered and would be there for me in a way I’d never experienced before.
