“That sounds ominous.” Brandon finished up what he was working on and stepped out of the kitchen. “Everything good with you?”
“I think so.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to kick myself in the ass. That was a stupid non-response. Brandon held up a finger and disappeared into his bedroom. Because I was apparently now the type of guy who did whatever other people told me to do, I stood still, waiting for him to return.
“You good if I ride with you?” he asked, already stuffing his feet into his shoes.
Not gonna lie, felt good to have him acting like this was any other day and I hadn't been a colossal douche to one of his best friends. Okay, so I’d been a dick to everyone, but the majority of my self-loathing had been taken out on Chase. I wasn't proud of it, but kid pissed me off when he first moved in. He was so brilliantly out of the closet. And then he went and made Jayden fall in love with him and I really hated him.
There was no excuse for my behavior, though. It wasn’thisfault I hated anyone who didn’t try to hide. It wasn’t Jayden’s fault he’d fallen in love with the man across the room from him. They signified everything I wanted and couldn’t have, so I’d lashed out.
“Yeah, that sounds good. I want to run something by you anyway,” I told him. It hadn't been my intention, but this was actually perfect. I could talk to Brandon first, and maybe he could help me speak to the rest of the guys. At the very least, there would be one person who wasn’t stunned silent about my confessions.
I hadn't wanted Colin and Daniel to know how much I’d been worrying about what the guys would say when I came out. I already knew what they would have told me and, even though they thought they were being helpful, I had a hard time believing that everyone would just pat me on the back and say congrats on busting down the closet door. That's not how shit worked in my world. And as much as I craved their support, I wanted to come out when neither of them were there. That was probably stupid as hell, but if shit went south, I didn’t need them rushing to my defense.
“Seriously, Zach, is everything okay?” Brandon asked as we crossed the student parking lot.
“It's nothing major,” I reassured him, even though it sure as shit felt colossal to me. But as Colin liked to point out, I tended to be rather miserable and unforgiving when it came to my own mistakes.
One of the coolest things about Brandon was he didn't push me to open up to him. I knew that if I decided I was ready to talk, he’d sit there in silence the entire way to the liquor store. But I needed to get it out now. I needed to know there was one person in the suite tonight who had my back without also wanting in my ass.
That was another thing that was starting to frustrate the shit of me. The one day that we'd all spent together, no matter how much I begged, the two of them refused to go any further than blow jobs and a bit of ass play. They kept saying they didn't want to rush things.
That was easy for him to say. They weren’t ones who had gone through this massive sexual epiphany. Now that I understood better what was going on with me, I wanted to tryeverything.
If I got this off my chest, then maybe it would be easier for me to convince them it was past time for an encore performance. Preferably one that ended with someone's dick trying to split me in two. And hell, after some of the porn I'd been watching lately, I’d be totally cool if the other one wanted to use his cock as a gag. You know, to make sure the entire building didn’t hear how much I liked having my ass spread wide.
“So, you know how I was constantly giving Chase a hard time when he first moved in?” I glanced over while I waited for the light to turn green. Brandon gave me the side eye, and it didn't take a clairvoyant to know what that look meant. “Okay, so more like all fucking spring, but you know what I'm saying. That's not even the important part about this. The fact is, I was a jerk to him, but not just because I’m an asshole.”
I was, but there was motivation behind my actions—even if that made this entire situation that much worse. Brandon motioned for me to continue. My heart raced and I wasn't sure I could do this after all. It was funny how admitting what a raging, self-hating homophobe I was seemed even harder than bending over while Colin poked my ass with a silicone plug.
My stomach flipped. I scanned the horizon for a gas station, just in case I needed to pull over and hurl. My car wasn't anything great, but if I puked in here, I'd have to burn the car because there would be no way of getting the smell out of the worn cloth interior.
Brandon placed a hand on my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze. “Take all the time you need. If you want, we don't have to hurry back. You could just drive around and ramble like I'm not even here.”
“The whole point is to say this out loud so it's not as scary later,” I explained.
“Okay. In that case, whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be sitting here waiting.” He pulled out his phone and started scrolling through social media. Instead of turning left toward the liquor store, I turned right onto the freeway. Maybe this would be easier to say if I was trying to pay attention to the road. Words I’d avoided for so many years bubbled up inside of me, until a few miles down the road when I blurted, “I was an asshole to Chase because I wanted to hate him. Except, I didn't really hate him all. I envied him. And the happier he was, the more miserable I became, and it was just easier to be a dick to him rather than think about my own shitty life.”
Brandon locked his phone and stuffed it into his pocket. Still, he didn't say a word. He watched the trees and fields go by, glancing over at me every once in a while. It took a solid five minutes before I couldn’t take it any longer.
“I'm gay, okay? And I fucking hated myself for a long time because I didn’twantto be gay.” I was shouting, but Brandon’s face fluctuated between impassive and sad. Now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop talking. “I don't know if I’ll ever be cool with it, but I'm starting to realize I can't change who I’m attracted to, no matter how much I wish I could. It would be so much easier if I could be normal.”
I pursed my lips, waiting for Brandon to say something—anything. I slowed down as we passed through a podunk town, then slammed on the gas as soon as the speed limit went back up. My heart was racing hard enough, I was worried it might explode. My hands were cold and clammy on the steering wheel. And still, Brandon said nothing.
Fuck. This couldn’t be good at all. Brandon probably regretted suggesting I take a drive to clear my head because that meant he was stuck with me, now that he knew what a hypocritical sack of shit I was. Not only that, but I’d basically implied there was something wrong with being gay and he was very happily in love with a man.
I was a fucking mess.
“It's good that you understand you can't change who you are,” he said quietly, long after I’d given up on him responding at all. “For your sake, I hope you will eventually find peace and let someone in.”
I gripped the wheel tighter, wishing I could blurt out that I had already found not just one person but two. And for some unknown fucking reason, neither of them were scared off by my hot and cold bullshit, or the fact I’d kept them hidden away like a dirty little secret. They swore they understood and weren’t going to force me to come out until I was ready, but dammit, that didn't mean I didn't feel like absolute crap every time our roommates were curled up in the living room and we had to pretend like nothing had changed between us. After tonight, maybe I could start opening up about that, too.
Except, even if they all miraculously threw me a parade to welcome me into the queer club, I didn’t see any way I could be fully open. There was a big difference between everyone accepting that I was more like them than I’d let on, andChaseaccepting that I dreamed about his brother shoving me against the nearest surface while he speared me with that terrifyingly thick cock.
“That's all you have to say?” It couldn't possibly be that simple. But, then again, this was Brandon. He was pretty easy-going most of the time.
“You think you're the first guy who's ever raged against everyone who had what he convinced himself he never could?” Brandon let out a sardonic bark of laughter. “Don't take this the wrong way, man, but you're not that special.”
That's not what Daniel says,I thought to myself. But again, I couldn't tell Brandon about the fact I’d fooled around with my roommate and a suitemate without first talking to them.
