“What about sex?” he provided, finishing the question I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
“Yeah, that,” I confirmed. Unable to sit still a second longer, I escaped to the kitchen. I stirred the spaghetti sauce and put the pan of nuggets and tots into the oven.
By the time I finished checking on dinner, Jayden’s face was buried in his phone and he had a stupid, lovestruck smile.
“See, that’s the shit that I want.” I tipped my beer bottle in his direction as I rounded the corner into the living area.
“What?”
“You get this stupid look on your face when you’re texting with Chase. It’s like he’s the center of your world. And he needs you as much as you need him.” I started pacing back and forth, kicking someone’s shoes against the wall. Probably Zach’s. He was the pig of the suite. “I want that shit, you know, but I’m not sure I can do the rest of it.”
“Okay, so first of all, you don’t know yet if he’s truly little or just curious. He could try it and see it’s not something he wants,” Jayden explained. “All that shit you said you want, that’s part of being a good Daddy. And I get it, man. I fucking love the way Chase turns to me when he’s having a rough time and needs to get away from his adult side for a while. Knowing that I’m the one who can make his stress melt away? That’s the most powerful shit there is.”
“But the sex…” I couldn’t get over that. No matter what we did, I knew damn well that was a line I couldn’t bring myself to cross. Hell, there were still times it was weird having him call me Daddy when we were intimate, even though I knew damn well it didn’t mean what some people thought it meant.
Jayden held up a finger and reached for his phone again.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, I’ll understand.”
“It’s not that,” he promised me. “Checking in with Chase real quick.”
“Oh, cool.”
“Sorry about that,” he apologized as he tucked his phone away. “Chase worries about people knowing about him because of some shit that went down with his old roommate, so I wanted to make sure it was okay if we talk when he’s not here.”
I felt better as Jayden explained that every couple had their own limits on what could happen when the little was in their special headspace, as he called it. I was intrigued when he told me how Chase would sort of float back and forth between big and little at times. He did a great job setting my mind at ease by repeating as many times as I needed to hear it that there wasn’t one right or wrong way to have a relationship like theirs.
“Before the boys get back, I wanted to tell you about a place that might help you dip your toes in the water, so to speak.” The timer went off. Jayden motioned for me to stay seated while he turned off the oven. “My uncle works at a place called The Lodge. It’s a kink club, but things in the front area are pretty tame. They just opened a new playroom and I have been trying to get Chase to go again. I think he’d be more willing if he had a friend to play with.”
“That sounds pretty cool, actually.” The second timer went off and I got up to drain the pasta. This was going to be fun. I was still nervous, but I was also looking forward to a night out with friends. “Is there a dress code or anything like that?”
“Nope. There will be littles and their Daddies there, but from what I saw the one time we went, everyone’s totally chill. It’s pretty come as you are.”
I leaned against the counter. “Yeah, okay. Let’s do this.”
“You won’t regret it.”
The boys got home a few minutes later. I chuckled, wondering how this fucked-up life felt so damned good. It wasn’t odd to think of them asthe boysor feel like we were the Daddies who had been working on dinner while they played. It was our skewed version of normal.
And I realized I could get used to this.
Chase blanched when he entered the kitchen and saw his special plate. Jayden quickly ushered him down the hall so they could talk.
“Did you have fun today?” I asked as I piled spaghetti into my bowl. Matt cocked his head to the side when he noticed there were only two bowls on the counter. “I thought you might want to have nuggets and tots with Chase.”
Matt seemed to understand the symbolic gesture behind letting him eat something different tonight. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face against my shoulder. “Thank you. I know you don’t get it, but it means a lot that you’re trying.”
“I’d do just about anything for you,” I promised him.
“But this can’t be just for me, Daddy,” he whispered. “I’m okay if you don’t like it. You can still be my Daddy and I can have my little time when I’m with Chase. I don’t want you to do something you don’t like just for my sake.”
“It won’t be,” I assured him. I still had more questions than answers, but together, we’d find a way through. “I can’t promise you I’ll want to doeverythingyour crazy mind can come up with, but that’s not because I’m revolted by it. There are just some lines I’d rather not cross. But even if that happens, remember I love you just the way you are, and we’ll figure out a way for both of us to be happy.”
“You’re the best!” Matt threw his arms over my shoulders, gave me a tight hug, and a slobbery kiss on the cheek. He smiled the entire time I served a sensible portion of nuggets and tots.
Jayden and Chase were still in their room talking, so I took Matt’s plate and my bowl to the table. Matt sat up straighter and smiled when they joined us. “Brandon said it was okay for me to have chicken nuggets with you!”
“That’s awesome!” Chase was almost as excited as Matt about their dinner for the night. Matt curled an arm around his plate like he expected me to change my mind and take the food away from him. Both boys’ eyes lit up when Jayden brought in two cups of chocolate milk, setting one in front of each of them. “Chocolate milk’s a treat. We probably get it tonight because we were home on time.”
