1
Matt
I hated winter break. Being at school was its own level of hell, but being here, knowing I wouldn’t have Brandon sharing a room with me for the next month was beyond torture. And that was saying something because I was the shittiest friend in the world, pretending I wasn’t perving on him every time he came into our room after a shower, dropping his towel like it was the most normal thing in the world.
“If you need anything, call me,” he said as I pulled my laptop bag out of the back seat of the car his parents had bought him for graduation. The two of us were like night and day. He was the rich kid who never wanted for anything, and I was the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. He’d be welcomed home with warm hugs in the yard, while I let myself into an empty house. My mom would be home sometime after midnight, and it was unlikely we’d get to spend any time together before Christmas. “If you want to hang out, give me a call. I’m sure my parents will drive me crazy before the sun goes down.”
“I’ll be fine,Daddy,” I quipped, immediately wishing I could call back the words. I blamed my recent porn viewing habits for the slip. Luckily, Brandon simply shook his head and smiled. He always did that.
“I know, but I hate thinking about you being alone.” A lump formed in my throat and I had to remind my stupid heart that he didn’t mean anything by it. He was clueless to the shift I’d felt in the few months since the start of the school year. It wasn’thisfault I was crushing on him. “Seriously, call me if you want some company.”
“I will,” I promised him. Brandon pulled me into a hug and kissed the side of my head. It would have beenso damn easyto turn my head at the last second so his lips pressed against mine. But I wouldn’t do that. Couldn’t, because it would destroy almost fifteen years of friendship. “And same goes for you. If you need to get away from the nuthouse, you know you’re welcome over here. It’ll be quiet because Mom’s picking up extra shifts while they’re available.”
My mom busted her ass to give me a good life despite the fact my sperm donor owed enough back child support to buy a nicer house than the one my grandparents bought for us when I was little. I’d argued that I could go to community college instead of heading to Annandale with Brandon, but I think she’d known I needed to be close to him. I’d lost track of how many times I’d insisted he and I were just friends, but I doubt she’d ever believed me. So, she’d stayed up late at night helping me write essays for scholarships and researching grants. Since I’d moved out, she had been driving herself into the ground to make sure I was the first in our family to graduate from college, and she was adamant I’d do so without any debt. I loved the hell out of her for that and hated that things had to be this way.
“You know I’ll be taking you up on that. Are you and your mom coming over for Christmas?” I didn’t want to admit to him that I still hadn’t passed along his parents’ offer. When we were kids, it was almost a given that our little duo would be absorbed into his family’s holidays, but now that we were grown, it felt different. And this year would be another leap off the beaten path of familiarity because I seriously needed this next month to remind myself Brandon was my best friend and nothing more.
“I don’t know. I’ll talk to her when I get a chance and let you know.”
Brandon hugged me tighter. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to imagine for a split second that things were different and that his embrace meant as much to him as it did to me. “Not good enough, Matty. It won’t be Christmas if you’re not there with me.”
Nothing would be the same without him, but I couldn’t keep putting myself into situations where I wound up dreaming of things that could never be. Eventually, he’d find a guy he could be proud to bring home to his parents and I’d have to move on without him. After that, I had no doubt we’d drift apart until we were nothing more than former classmates who exchanged awkward hellos at our high school reunions. Because I wouldn’t be able to watch him falling in love with someone else without pulverizing my own heart, so I’d have to pull away.
“We’ll see.” As good as it felt to have him holding me, I stepped back. If I didn’t, I was going to do something stupid like let my hands drift down to his ass. “You’d better get going before your mom calls to find out if we’ve died in a horrible wreck.”
Brandon threw his head back and let out a hearty laugh. We both knew it wasn’t a joke. His momfreakedif he was more than fifteen minutes behind schedule. Brandon hugged me again, this time allowing his hands to slide over the swell of my ass. And he didn’t freak out and back away, like he realized he was groping me.
It doesn’t mean anything,I reminded myself. Maybe I’d ask Mom if I could borrow her car one of the next few nights. There weren’t any gay bars here in town, but I could drive twenty minutes and find one that was gay enough for a hook up. Getting laid might help me extinguish the flame of desire that was stoked every time Brandon touched me.
“Fuck, I’m gonna miss you, Matty.”
I both loved and hated the nickname he’d refused to give up. He was careful when we were in mixed company because he thought I hated the childish version of my name, but when we were alone, it was like he couldn’t help himself.
“It’s not like I’ll be across the country,” I reminded him, working hard to keep my tone light. “Get out of here. I have a very important date with the couch and the remote control. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been able to watch anything I wanted without some jackass complaining?”
“It’s not my fault you watch stupid shit,” Brandon protested. “Not all of us like watching cartoons all the time.”
“Face it, you love it when I turn on cartoons,” I quipped. Brandon pulled my suitcase out of the trunk. My heart sank as I took it from him. Logically, I knew we probably wouldn’t go a full day without talking to each other, but it was setting in that he wouldn’t be across the room from me when I fell asleep for the next month. A whole fucking month. That was a long ass time. “Better than the snoozefest documentaries you’re addicted to.”
“So sue me if I like engaging my brain.”
“Ugh, no thank you. I get enough of that in classes,” I grumbled. We could go back and forth like this all day, and I knew damn well I was going to have to be the one to say goodbye. Brandon wouldn’t because it was his way of making sure I was going to be okay.
Why in the hell was I infatuated with the one guy I couldn’t have?
“Seriously, get the fuck out of here. My eyes hurt from having to look at your ugly mug.” I hefted my bag onto my shoulder, praying the strap wouldn’t give out. If I got money from my grandparents for Christmas, I should really consider being responsible and replacing it before the strap broke and my textbooks crushed my outdated computer. “Call me when the ‘rents drive you crazy. If I don’t answer, you have a key.”
My mom would lose her damned mind if she knew we’d gone to the hardware store to have a key made for Brandon, but if she hadn’t figured it out in the past six years, I didn’t see any reason to tell her. At the time, it seemed like a good idea because Bran was at my place more than his, keeping me company and helping me with my homework while Mom was at work. There were so many nights when I’d fallen asleep watching movies with him, and he’d locked the deadbolt on his way out. Really, she should be grateful.
“I mean it, Matty. Call me.”
“AndI mean it,I’ll be fine,” I shot back. But I wouldn’t be fine. I wouldn’t be able to breathe freely again until Brandon was in front of me and we were headed back to school. It was a sad, fucked up world I lived in.
Sometime after the sun went down, I wandered into the kitchen to find something to eat. Fending for myself was something I’d done for a decade now, so I was good at it. And just like when she’d started working later hours and trusting me to take care of myself, I found a plastic container with a sticky note on the lid on the second shelf of the fridge.
Sorry I’m not here for a happy homecoming. Heat this for a minute, stir, and heat again. I’ll be home by eleven.
Love you, baby. Glad you’re home.
