Two minutes before the end of class, I started quietly packing away my notebook, pens, and laptop. If I hurried, I might be able to get to the bar before Corey. I hadn’t missed the fact that William had been coming in early on the days Corey worked, and I was hoping to use that to my advantage today. Once we opened, there was no way I’d take time when I was supposed to be working to talk to William about my personal life.
On the short drive from campus to work, I rehearsed what I wanted to say. Talking about myself made me uncomfortable, even when I knew the other person wouldn’t be shocked by anything I had to say. William definitely fell into that category, but the stakes felt higher than usual.
The back parking lot was empty when I arrived. It was strange to not see Jack’s car in his spot, but I was happy for him. He was scaling back how much he was here so he could get to know his boy.
I slumped back in my seat, giving myself five minutes to feel bad for myself. It was bad enough to see guys hooking up with one another every night, but now it felt like everyone close to me was coupling up, shining a spotlight on the terminally single guy.
It was still eerie to walk into the bar when it was completely silent. The light from behind the bar reflected off the mirror, offering just enough light to help me maneuver my way through the building without having to turn on the overhead lights. I grabbed a glass of Coke from the tap before sneaking into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. A free meal with every shift wasn’t something Ineeded,as I made decent money and my expenses were minimal—thanks to living with four other guys—but I wasn’t about to say no to it either.
Normally, I would hide out in my office to get some homework done before I had to start work, but today, the thought of being confined within those four walls felt stifling. Instead, I did something that would probably seem strange to a lot of people.
I went into the playroom. My happy place. I’d mostly steered clear of the area since opening night because I hadn’t wanted to address what Theron had made me feel. Every time I even looked at the room, I thought about how it felt when he’d place a hand over mine or how I’d been unable to resist standing next to him when he’d asked. Those were dangerous thoughts because I didn’t want to set myself up for another fall.
But now, with no one else in the building, I was able to see it through fresh eyes. I set my backpack down next to the oversized bean bag where I knew I’d eventually wind up. As I walked through the room, I picked up the toys and gear that I’d personally picked out for the space. The playroom might have been meant for everyone, but I’d taken liberty when filling it, creating the playroom ofmydreams. I pulled a super soft unicorn out of the pet net in the corner. I loved her so much. She was squishy and soft, and when I’d picked her out, I’d imagined cuddling her when my mythical Daddy put me down for nap time. But now, that imaginary Daddy had a face and a name. I held her tight, fighting the urge to cry for what would never be.
“Hey, is everything okay?” William’s brow was furrowed as he crossed the room. He cupped my cheek and I leaned into the touch, only to recoil instantly. He wasn’t my Daddy and never would be. He was Corey’s Daddy now. It made me a horrible friend, and a desperate, pathetic loser, to want William to hold me even though I knew he was with someone else.
I tripped over a chair in my haste to put some distance between us. William caught me, pulling me into a tight hug. “Talk to me, Sam.”
I shook my head, pressing my lips together. Never mind the fact, talking to William was the exact reason I’d come in as soon as I got out of classes. Now that he was here, I couldn’t bring myself to ask about Theron.
“Will you at least sit down? You’re anxious about something, I can tell.” William guided me to the bean bag and eased himself down before pulling me onto his lap. I should have told him no and pointed out that it wasn’t right for him to touch me that way when he was seeing someone else. “Sam, stop squirming.”
“But Corey,” I protested.
“Corey would cuddle you himself if he was here.” William wasn’t wrong about that. Both of them seemed to understand that sometimes I just needed someone to hold me. They were safe. They knew my secret and didn’t care. More than once, William had stepped in and told someone they weren’t welcome at the club if they couldn’t respect me. William pulled out his phone, not bothering to hide the screen from me as he typed out a message. “There. Now you don’t have to worry about feeling like we’re doing something behind Corey’s back. There’s a difference between comfort and intimacy, and Corey knows that. We’re going to sit here until you tell me what had you looking like you were about to cry when I walked in.”
“I don’t want to be alone anymore,” I admitted quietly. My voice cracked and I despised how high it sounded. Most of the time, I was able to keep my tone from drifting higher, but when I got upset, my brain was too scattered to think about it. “I hate being scared all the time.”
“Oh, sweetie.” William held me tighter and kissed the side of my head. “I know it hasn’t been easy for you, but maybe it’s time for you to take a chance again. Not everyone is like that dickhead. There are people who would fall over themselves to love you just as you are.”
“But I’ll never be enough.” That was my greatest fear. Every night, I was surrounded by gay men looking to either fall in love or fall into bed, but few of them gave me a second glance. It was is if they were able to read me from across the room and found me lacking.
“You’remorethan enough, Sam. And when the time is right, some Daddy is going to come along and he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure you never forget that.” When he said it, the words sounded like a promise more than wishful thinking. If only I had as much faith that my time would come. “Do you even realize there are men who already feel that way about you?”
“Doubt it.” I knew I was sulking, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want someday and someone; I wanted to go back in time and not push Theron away. “And if therewassomeone, I’d probably push him away because I can’t stop myself from seeing the worst-case scenarios in any situation.”
“Is there someone?” The lilt in William’s voice gave him away. He hadn’t overtly said anything to me in the past couple of weeks, but I’d heard him casually drop Theron’s name when I was within earshot, as if he was testing the waters.
“Maybe,” I hedged.
“But you’re scared,” William offered. The rhythmic back and forth motion of his thumb on my biceps soothed me. I rested my head against his chest and closed my eyes. I nodded rather than confirming verbally. “Is this about a certain Daddy who couldn’t keep his eyes off you opening night?”
I nodded again, smiling because it felt good to hear that Theron’s attention wasn’t all in my head. The brain was a complex, deceptive part of the body, and every time I thought back to how good he’d made me feel, my brain jumped in with a host of reasons I was wrong.
“Theron won’t hurt you, Sam,” William promised.
“But what if he can’t deal with…” I waved a hand over my body. It shamed me to think I used to be so confident about who I was. When I first came out, I sworeno onewould make me ashamed of being the man I was. And I did well with that, right up to the first time I was challenged by someone I thought loved me. That one incident had defined me.
“Not every man is so shallow that his feelings for you are dependent on the presence or size of your penis.” William sounded like my parents. “Theronisn’t that type of man. When he has a boy in his life, the only thing he will judge them on is how well they obey the rules. And from what I know of you, I think that’s something you need, too.”
“Yes, Sir.” Both of us flinched when I called William,Sir. It was a shift in our relationship. I hadn’t noticed it until now, but he was something special to me. He’d never be my Daddy, and we’d never share anything sexual, but I felt protected by him. “Do you think you can help me talk to Daddy Theron? I like him, but I don’t want to make a fool of myself. And I can’tnottell him if I want to even see if there’s a spark between us.”
“Oh sweetie, the sparks are there just waiting to catch fire,” William responded.
As much as I wanted to believe him, that didn’t make sense to me. Theron hadn’t been an every-night, or even ever-weekend customer, but he’d been there frequently enough that I recognized him. And I knew his face well enough that I was certain he hadn’t been there on the nights I’d worked since opening night.
“Would it be easier for you if I call him and talk to him first?” As much as I appreciated William’s offer, I couldn’t take him up on it. I needed to take a stand for myself. “I’m not saying I’ll come out for you. That’syourstory to tell. But I can reach out to him as a friend and ask that he hear you out. It’s not uncommon for a Dominant to take a submissive under his protection. That’s exactly what I’m offering you now. Whether it’s Theron or someone else, I will be a layer of protection for you. If, at any point, I feel you’re unsafe or it’s not a healthy situation for you, I would have the ability to call an end to the discussion.”
That didn’t sound so bad. If nothing else, having William there with me ensured I couldn’t chicken out of talking to Theron. And if things went south, William would be able to pick up the pieces and start putting me back together.
“Would you mind?” I balled my hands into fists when I noticed I was rubbing my thumb over my bottom lip. “I don’t want him to think I can’t take care of myself, but maybe having you there with me wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”
“Then we’ll make it happen.” William hugged me tighter and I felt the remaining tension leave my body. I settled against William, allowing myself to drift off to sleep. Homework could wait.
