“What is it, baby?” I bristled at the term of endearment. “Relax, Sam. The only way they’re going to think anything’s odd is if you keep tensing whenever I call you by completely innocent nicknames.”
“You’re right.” I sighed. “I just want this weekend to go well.”
Theron cupped my face in his hands, tilting my head back so he could look at me. “Everything’s going to be fine. We got through the initial introductions without a problem, didn’t we?”
“I know, but I feel like I’m walking through a field littered with landmines. One wrong move and Mom’s going to go off.” Stupid? Yes. Rational? Not at fucking all. But I’d always felt that way.
Mom, I think I might be gay.Even though they’d never given me a reason to doubt their love, I’d known from a young age I was different, and gay made the most sense. I wasn’t attracted to girls, necessarily, but the summer I was thirteen, I’d hung out with a group and I felt the most connection to the older sister of one of my friends, who happened to be a very masculine, out and proud, lesbian.
Mom hadn’t batted an eye.
Mom, I’m non-binary.That fall, I’d realized it wasn’t a sexuality issue, but my gender identity. That was when Sam had been born, so to speak. Instead of losing her shit, Mom asked me if I still wanted to be called by my birth name. When I said I’d rather not, she told me my name would have been Samuel had I been a boy and asked how I felt about that.
I’ll never forget the first time she called me Sam, reminding me it was a name that fit all genders. She’d held me tight while I cried tears of joy and then she’d taken me to the salon for a more appropriate haircut.
Mom, I’m probably—no, I’m definitely trans.I held my breath, certain that would be the step too far. Mom said nothing as she sat down at her computer and started researching how to best help a fourteen-year-old trans child.
I never had to ask for anything. She somehow managed to stay one step ahead of me the entire way, finding a pediatrician who had a good reputation, making appointments with therapists who would help us plead my case. If she’d ever mourned the girl that she’d given birth to, it was behind closed doors.
She worried about me and for me, but all of that was out of love. And yet, I was once again faced with a moment of ‘will this be too much’ and I was fucked terrified.
“Breathe, Sammy,” Daddy whispered. I was vaguely aware that we were moving. He sat in his recliner and pulled me into his lap. We gently rocked back and forth until my ragged breaths slowed. “What was that all about?”
I opened my eyes, praying to every deity I could think of that my parents weren’t hovering over me, worried out of their minds. Then again, they were used to me so it probably—maybe—hadn’t fazed them. I let out an audible sigh when I saw my dad on the back deck, pointing at something along the tree line.
“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Your dad seemed to understand what was going on and said he was going to give us a few minutes,” he explained. I focused on the gentle rasp of his palm against denim as he rubbed my leg. “I’ve never seen you spin out that hard or that fast. What brought it on?”
One of the many reasons I loved Daddy the way I did was that he found ways to talk about my anxiety without saying the word out loud. I wasn’t sure why that made a difference, but it did.
“They’re good people,” I said, watching as Dad slid a hand around Mom’s back and kissed the top of her head. I knew she was worried about me, and I hated that. This weekend was supposed to be all about showing her how well I was doing living like any other functional adult and wasn’t going to be jobless and homeless once I graduated. Instead, she was getting a needy ball of frayed nerves.
“I knew that long before today but seeing you with them makes me love them even more,” he admitted. I gaped at him. He loved them? “Yes, baby boy. They raised you to be the sweetest, most loving man I’ve met. How could I not?”
I threw my arms around his neck, kissing every inch of his face.
“As much as I love affectionate Sammy, don’t think you’re getting out of telling me what had you upset.”
“I’m trying really hard to remember that you’re Theron this weekend but it’s not easy,” I admitted. “When you called me baby, I felt tingly like I always do but I almost called you Daddy.”
“It’s okay if you do.” He’d told me this before as well. But he couldn’t promise me they’d understand. It had taken me a long time to understand this was simply part of who I was and not me trying to reclaim my lost boyhood that I’d been robbed of by being raised female. A lot of people thought that way, and I didn’t want them to because they loved me so damn much Mom would feel guilty for not knowing something was off sooner. “If it happens, we’ll sit down and talk with them about it if they’re concerned. But I’d be willing to bet they’d let it go without interrogating you about it. Didn’t you say they’ve always made sure you and your siblings know you can talk to them about anything?”
“But wouldn’t they be upset about me keeping this from them?”
“Now you’re trying to find reasons to justify how upset you were,” Daddy scolded me. His brow creased and my heart sank. He was disappointed in me. I couldn’t blame him because I wasn’t my biggest fan right then, either. But he kissed my forehead, and I started to wonder if there was something else. Daddy held my face, staring straight into my eyes. “I need you to stay calm for me, Sammy. I know this weekend is a lot of stress and it’s your nature to worry about everything, but it’s all going to be okay. Do you trust me on that?”
“I always trust you,” I promised. Daddy never let anything hurt me.
“Good.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “Your mom wants to see your work. She said you’ve been dodgy about it and asked if I thought you’d be willing to take them down there while they’re in town.”
“I can’t do that!” I heaved a bit just thinking about the subtle hints from earlier. What if they wanted to see the Back Deck? What if they liked the bar and wanted toactuallygo there? And I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to consider playing there with Daddy on my nights off once they’d been there. Everywhere I’d look, I’d see remnants of them. That was gross.
“You can, Sam.” Sam, not Sammy. This was big boy time. I sucked in a deep breath and held it. “Let it out.” I followed his directions. “Good boy. I know you’re worried about this but it’s time. You’ve done amazing things at The Lodge and you deserve to show that off. They love and acceptall of you.Even if you call me Daddy, even if you need to play with your friends for a while and I show them around the club,nothing you dowill make them love you less. And they deserve to see how proud they should be of your accomplishments.”
“And you’ll be there with us?” I’d been very careful about how much I told my parents about The Lodge for a reason. Daddy was absolutely right, but I couldn’t do it without him next to me. I needed his strength to get me through.
“Every step of the way,” he promised.
Okay. I could do this. And Daddy was right. It was time my parents see what I’d been doing so they understood it was so much more than just a college job for me.
