Matt leaned over far enough he had to push the sundae out of the way, so he didn’t get a glob of whipped cream on his shirt. “It’s so he can take care of me. He isn’t just my roommate, Chase. He’s my Daddy.”
“He’s what?” No way could I have heard him right. I pushed away from the table, not interested in being teased. “Stop it, Matt. You’re being mean now. I know it’s weird, but I can’t change who I am.”
I don’t know why I was still standing there, other than running out would cause a scene, and I didn’t want to do that. My heart felt like it was slamming into the back of my ribs and I could hear the blood rushing through my head. I didn’t like this. I didn’t want him knowing about me. I didn’t want him picking on me for it. I didn’t want him telling the other guys and getting me kicked out of another room. I didn’t want to leave my Jay, who told me I was cute and perfect just the way I was.
“Chase, can you sit down for a minute?” Matt pleaded. As mad as I was, I looked at him. He looked as sad as I was mad. I shook my head. My knuckles were white from how tightly I gripped the back of the metal chair. “I know it’s scary, because I feel the same way. I know it was wrong for me to say something when you aren’t ready, but Ihadto. I heard you and Jayden one night and I’ve been watching you guys together. I guess… Well, I thought maybe we could be friends because we get each other.”
Well poop. When he said things like that, it made sense. I pulled out the chair and sat back down. I scanned the room to make sure no one was looking at us. My tummy hurt when I pulled Pika out of my pocket and held him under the table where no one could see, unless they really looked.
“You mean it? You’re like me?” Matt nodded. I scrunched up my face and cocked my head to the side a little. “But you don’t look…”
Matt lifted his eyebrows, almost daring me to finish a stupid sentence. I got mad at myself because I knew better. How many times had I been shocked to come across a big, burly guy, wearing nothing but a diaper with a paci in his mouth on the internet? If there was one thing my research should have taught me, it was that littles didn’t have a specific look. They could be any age or size. And here I was, about to tell Matt he couldn’t be little because he didn’t look like it.
“Sorry, that was dumb,” I quickly apologized. “This is just…it’s a lot to take in.”
I scooped up a huge bite of ice cream and fudge and stuffed it in my mouth before I said anything else dumb. I moaned and smiled when the slightly bitter notes of the fudge hit my tongue. This was the best fudge ever. Matt had a good idea with ice cream. It made everything better, and it was easier to talk when we could both give the sundae our attention.
“I promise, Chase, I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. Da— Brandon told me I couldn’t say anything to you because it’s your secret to tell. But if you have a secret and I have the same one, and neither of us say anything about it, how are we supposed to know we have a friend we could play with right on the other side of the wall?” Matt rambled. I was used to that because he wasalwaystalking, but there was something different about it this time. He wanted me to understand that he wasn’t picking on me, he was trying to tell me I didn’t have to hide from him. “This is something that’s new for us, and it’s so confusing. I have all these feelings I don’t know what to do with. I look at stuff I shouldn’t like and wish I could have it.”
“You can,” I said softly, resting my hand on Matt’s arm. He looked like he needed a hug. “It is scary, but if Brandon’s your Daddy, he wouldn’t think bad if you have the things you want. He might even be madder if you don’t tell him.”
“But what if he only likes me calling him Daddy and doesn’t want the other stuff, too?”
I felt like I was drifting into a weird twilight zone, where Matt wanted me to be the expert on a topic I was still trying to figure out for myself. Until Jayden pushed me to open up to him, my secrets were something I swore I’d never be able to show anyone. And there were still things I wanted to try that I hadn’t, because even Jay had to have a line he wouldn’t cross.
I sat quietly as I took a few more bites of the sundae. Matt wasn’t eating, so I picked up his spoon, scooped some out, and handed it to him. He needed to help me eat it or I would get sick later. “Does Brandon know you’re little, or does he think it’s just role playing and him giving you rules?”
“Um, mostly that last part.” Matt’s cheeks were bright red, his voice quiet and uncertain. Now he was the one nervously looking around the room. He cleared his throat a few times. “I’m scared if he knew all of it, he wouldn’t like me anymore. I can’t lose him, Chase. We’ve been friends since we were little. Maybe it was stupid to think we could be a couple, too.”
“If you’ve been friends for that long, he might not be as clueless as you think.” I’d read a lot of blog posts and stories about Daddies and their boys who stumbled into the lifestyle. Maybe that was how Matt and Brandon were. “And he might not be grossed out if he knew. What are you scared about? How little are you?”
“Huh?”
In public was a bad place to talk about this stuff. And because of my stupid phone, I couldn’t even pull up the websites I had bookmarked until I got back to the room where I at least had Wi-Fi. But I didn’t want Matt confused and distracted, either. If Jay was here with us, he’d know what to do.
“Do you want to come to my room, and I can show you my stuff?” I offered, only thinking after the fact about the implications. If he said yes, there was no turning back. Somebody, other than Jay and I, would know there was little stuff shoved into the bag under my bed. He was trying to get me to leave big Pika and my blankie on the bed, saying they wouldn’t seem out of place, but they were my special things. Even if no one would have known,I wouldand that wasn’t okay. But Matt needed a friend who could help him bad enough it was worth the risk.
“Only if you want me to see,” Matt hedged. His words didn’t match the sparkle in his eyes that made me feel like the offer was a present he loved.
“I do,” I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt. I was still scared, but Jay would tell me I was brave and a good friend for doing this. “Are we really going to finish all this ice cream? I don’t want to waste it, but my tummy already hurts.”
Matt’s eyes widened by the childlike reference to my stomach. My guard was dropping. I wanted to be happy about that, but I worried being friends with Matt would make me forget I couldn’t be Ash around everyone. Matt saved the day when he stood, grabbing the sundae dish. “Me too, and Da— Brandon won’t be happy if I’m too full for dinner.”
I waited until we were outside and there was no one around to put Matt’s mind at ease. “You know, if it’s easier for you to call him Daddy, you can. I won’t care.”
“But you don’t call Jayden, Daddy,” Matt pointed out. “I thought maybe that is something you can only do when you’re with him.”
“That’s because Jayden isn’t my Daddy.” A lump formed in my throat when I said it. No matter how much I wanted him to be, he wasn’t. But I didn’t need a Daddy I could call Daddy as long as I had my Jay. We had a special bond and it worked for us. That was all that mattered, like he always said.
“But you said… And I hear him at night. He tells you you’re a good boy when you get ready for bed and he reads you stories.” I wasnotgoing to run away. I did, however, start praying for a hole to open up in the ground and swallow me.
“He’s my Jay,” I stated, shrugging like it was nothing big.
“Do you want him to be your Daddy?” Matt didn’t look at me as we slowly made our way back to the suite. He glanced at my pocket a few times. I probably wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding that there was something in there. “Can I see?”
I nodded. I didn’t mind showing Matt my little Pika, but I couldn’t out here where everyone could see it. “When we get home, I’ll show you. My Jay got it for me to help me feel safe when he’s not there or when I’m scared.”
“Were you scared today?”
