19
Trevor
In my desperation toget away from Gabe and make sense of the conversation I’d overheard, I hadn’t planned very well. I should’ve waited for a call or text back from Dad, confirming they were going to be around this weekend. It hadn’t dawned on me that he might be taking advantage of their new-found empty nest status to take my mom out on dates. Hopefully that’s all it was, because I wasn’t sure I could deal with the silence of my childhood home for the entire weekend but there was no way I was ready to go back and face Gabe yet. I couldn’t let him see how much it crushed me to know he was considering moving out and hadn’t mentioned anything. I wanted time to properly chastise myself for believing him when he said we’d grow?—together?—once we moved out of our parents’ homes. I’d allowed him to convince me it was unnecessary to worry about our paths diverging, and now I’d been left blindsided.
I needed to eat, but the thought of dumping any food into my churning gut had me ready to dry heave in the downstairs bathroom. Besides, it seemed Mom had Dad on some sort of new diet, because there was no junk food to be found in the pantry. I opened the fridge on the off chance there was anything more appetizing in there, slamming the door when I realized I’d been staring blankly at the contents long enough for the open door alarm to start beeping at me.
I snatched a banana out of the fruit bowl and sulked into the front room to scroll aimlessly through the cable listings. My brain, which had been buzzing non-stop on the drive up here, seemed to be completely empty now. There were no thoughts. No emotions. No desire to do a damn thing but hide under my blankets and go to sleep. That sounded like a damn good idea, so I turned off the TV, tossed the remote across the room, and stomped upstairs to my bedroom.
Big mistake.
To anyone but me, the room probably looked like a typical teen boy’s domain. What I saw were memories of days and nights spent with my best friend, love creeping into both of our hearts without either of us making a conscious effort. So many times, I’d tried figuring out how I fell in love with Gabe or what I could’ve done to stop it. I never figured out the answer to either. Maybe there were no answers. Maybe Gabe and I were put on this earth for one another. But if that was true, there wouldn’t be this gaping hole in my chest now, would there?
A soft knock on my bedroom door startled me. I wiped away the tears threatening to fall from my eyes and smoothed my clothes. Hopefully, it’d be Dad on the other side of the door. He wasn’t the type to nurture and coddle me through an emotional breakdown, and I doubted he’d ask too many questions. I could make an excuse for why Gabe hadn’t come home with me and tell them I needed to get away from the chaos of dorm life. Not a total lie.
I definitely didn’t expect to see hazel eyes so much like Gabe’s it hurt assessing me when I opened the door. Aunt Gwen’s eyes were soft and kind, and overflowing with worry. She didn’t ask if I was okay, probably because there was no way I could deny that I was anything but. She simply pulled me into her arms, rubbed my back, and told me it’d be okay eventually. I sniffled, wanting so badly to believe her.
“What did my son do to upset you?” She asked. Some things never changed. Ever since we were little boys, both sets of parents assumed that if I was upset or if we got into trouble, Gabe was to blame. “Trevor, why don’t we head back to our house and I’ll make you some tea. I have a batch of cookies I was going to send down with Joel next week.”
Did Gabe know his dad was planning on visiting us? Hell, he probably did, but we’d apparently lost the ability to communicate somewhere over the past few weeks.
“How did you know I was here?” Stupid question since it was nearly impossible to hide the monstrous Jeep sitting in the driveway. But she knew I’d be alone.
“Your parents had an awards gala to attend tonight. We both know your mom would’ve begged off had she known you were coming home for the weekend, so I decided to come to check on you.” She motioned for me to get my shoes on and sat next to me on the bed. “And since Gabe hadn’t mentioned anything about coming home, and he hasn’t been by to raid our fridge, it was a safe bet he wasn’t with you. So, what did he do?”
“It’s a long story.” One I didn’t want to tell, but knew I’d have to. Otherwise, Gwen would be on the phone, yelling at Gabe to get his shit together. He’d know I was here and he’d find a way to get home even if he had to hitchhike.
“Lucky for you, I have all night. Come on, let’s go get some tea and cookies.”
Cookies were Gwen’s answer to everything. Someone picked on one of her boys at school? Milk and cookies. Someone was in the hospital? Cookies. Someone had a baby. Cookies. She joked that there was nothing in life that couldn’t be resolved with sweets in your belly.
I shivered as the winter wind picked up. I’d been so distraught about Gabe quitting school?—quitting us?—that I hadn’t bothered to grab my coat or even a sweatshirt on my way out of the dorm. I grabbed my backpack and keys and ran out before anyone saw me.
Joel was nowhere to be seen when we entered the Brunner home, which meant he was likely out in his woodshop, working on whatever his latest dream project happened to be. Gwen instructed me to sit as she got to work filling the teakettle. We’d tried pointing out she could get hot water on demand out of her Keurig, but she was a purist when it came to her tea. She didn’t want it tainted by the remnants of coffee, or so she said. I’d learned at a young age that it was best to never question Gwen.
“Now, tell me what’s wrong.”
Rather than take a minute to think about how I could tell her why I was so upset, I came down with an explosive case of verbal diarrhea.
“I thought everything was going good between us,” I sobbed. “He said school was going to be a new start and we could be together and wouldn’t have to worry about what anyone thought, because no one would have to know. And it worked for a while. But I know he’s pissed at me because I’m not willing to be honest with Mom, not willing to be open and out.
“And it’s not that I don’t want to be those things. You have no clue how hard it is to be so completely in love, but battling this stupid voice in the back of your head telling you it’s sick and wrong.” Gwen looked like she wanted to interrupt and say something, but I plowed ahead. No point stopping now. “He said he’d wait until I decided I was ready, and I believed him. I really thought we could make this work, just until the end of the school year. Then, I was going to tell Mom because there’s no way I’d be able to go from living with him to being shoved back into the friend zone for the entire summer. But now, he’s talking about working full time and moving out, and I had no clue he was that tired of the way things are. I thought we were solid, but it turns out we’re no more secure than sand dunes when a hurricane rolls in. He’s leaving school, and he didn’t even bother to tell me.”
This time, I didn’t bother trying to hold back my tears. I wept openly for the first love I was losing, the man I didn’t know how to live without. I laid my head on the table and purged all the emotions that’d come flooding back as soon as I saw Gwen. My stomach rumbled and I shoved back from the table quickly enough to topple my chair. Thank god for a bathroom right off the kitchen, otherwise I’m not sure I would’ve made it before my body decided to expel the little bit of sustenance I’d put in it.
“Trevor, are you okay?” Gwen slowly opened the door and peeked around. It didn’t matter how many times she’d taken care of me when I was sick as a kid, her seeing me this distraught tonight humiliated me. I nodded weakly, regretting the subtle motion when it kicked off a second round of puking.
Once I felt confident there was nothing else in my stomach, I stood, rinsed my mouth and washed my face, carefully avoiding the mirror. I knew I looked like death warmed over without any confirmation.
There was a glass of water sitting in front of my seat, any evidence of my sudden departure cleaned up while I’d been gone. And there was Gwen, patiently waiting for me to decide if I was going to head home or sit down and finish explaining myself to her. I sat, unsure if or when I’d work up the courage to say these words again. She smiled softly and reached across the small table to pat my arm.
“Feeling better?”
“Not really,” I admitted. I wasn’t sure when I’d ever feel right again.
“This will pass,” she promised me. “Now, what was this about Gabe dropping out of school and moving out of the dorms?”
I gaped at her, unable to process her question. In between rounds of worshipping the porcelain gods, I’d come up with a list of questions I needed to prepare to answer. I wasn’t ready for this one.
