“Come on, I want to do something before the show.” He quirked an eyebrow, confused by the fact I’d told him to stay put so we could relax for a few minutes before walking again, but now I was trying to hurry him along.
Being in the city had its advantages. So far from home, surrounded by so many people, Trevor was bolder about showing affection. He took my hand in his the second we stepped onto the sidewalk. He nestled into my side as we waited at an intersection for the Walk light. His entire face beamed as he took in the sight of oversized Christmas decorations and baubles and I allowed myself to absorb his excitement.
We both jumped back at the crosswalk as a car sprayed slush from the road towards the sidewalk. I’d put myself in front of Trevor, sparing his leather boots the worst of it, which led to my jeans being soaked and covered in road grime.
“Dammit.” I brushed away as much of the grit as possible, muttering under my breath about how this was not the way tonight was supposed to go.
“Hey, it’ll dry.” Trevor rubbed his hand over my back in slow circles. Part of me wished it’d be possible to take this easy affection back home with us, but I knew every passing hour was one closer to when he’d shut down.
No, not shut down. He wasn’t doing this for selfish reasons. I wasn’t his dirty little secret. Sometimes I needed to remind myself I knew what I was getting into the first time I took the chance to tell Trevor how I felt. The reaction from our families was always going to be a sticking point between us, even without considering how they’d handle the news that he was gay too.
“I know,” I responded as we joined the flow of people crossing Sixth Avenue. “This isn’t how I saw tonight going.”
“That’s because you’re not a planner,” Trevor teased. “It’s not in your nature to think of all the ways your plans could go sideways. But for what it’s worth, tonight’s been pretty dang perfect so far.”
Hopefully, he’d still feel that way in a few minutes. We turned onto the promenade, and soon the huge Christmas tree came into view. We’d been down here once already since arriving in the city, but I was sure Trevor would’ve come down here every day if we’d had time. He’d always been obsessed with the iconic tree at Rockefeller Center, and the first time, he’d stood there gaping at it, eyes wide as a child’s on Christmas morning. I was counting on that same awe tonight to help me catch him off guard. As we sidestepped around groups trying to fit both themselves and the tree into selfies, I noticed a couple off to our left. Tapping Trevor on the shoulder, I directed his attention toward them before pulling him close to my chest. Anxiety poured off the guy. His hands shook, and I wasn’t sure the pallor on his face had anything to do with the lighting. His nerves were the perfect opportunity for me to test the waters. I guided Trevor closer, keeping my eye on the couple as the guy dropped to one knee. His girlfriend held back a gasp and started crying as he proposed. Someday, far in the future, I hoped that’d be us. We were too young to be thinking that way, but I couldn’t imagine a life without Trevor in it.
“Do you ever think about that?” I asked as the young woman threw her arms around her new fiancée’s neck, smothering his face in kisses.
“About getting married?” I nodded. “I guess, in the abstract sense, sure. You?”
I curled my hand around the band of leather in my pocket, tracing my fingers over the cool metal plate at the top. “Is it weird if I say I’ve thought about it quite a bit?”
“Yeah?” Trevor kissed my neck and I leaned into his embrace.
“Yep. Not, like, this year or anything, but it’s something I’ve thought about.”
“And what did you decide?” he asked.
This was it; the moment of truth. I pulled out the leather, ready to show him when I finished speaking. “It’s what I want, but for me, it’s not an abstract concept. I want it to be with you.” He opened his mouth, but I silenced him. “I know we still have a lot to sort through, but I have faith in us that we’ll get there eventually. And I’ll wait, as long as it takes until you’re ready, but I want you in my life forever.
“When we were little, we joked about how we were going to buy a house together when we grew up and get a dog. Of course, you were going to be a famous painter and I was going to be an astronaut, but I don’t think we need to abandon all of our plans because those aren’t going to happen.” Trevor chuckled, and I thought maybe he sniffed back his emotions. So far, he hadn’t pulled away, so that was good. I held out the leather band to him. “This isn’t a proposal but a promise. As long as you’re willing to put up with my impulses, I want to be a part of your life. When you’re worried, I want to be the one to help you carry the burdens. When you’re scared, I want to be the one to help ease your mind. I love you, Trevor, and I can’t imagine being with anyone else.”
Trevor ran his fingers over the gold, reading the simple sentiment etched into the surface.Every step of the way.
He didn’t look at me, didn’t react in any way to what I’d said. The urge to snatch back my gift and tell him to forget it was strong. It was too much for him, too soon. But for better or worse, he deserved to know how serious this was for me. I shrugged, ignoring the churning of my stomach. “It’s supposed to be a reminder. I know things have been crazy since we started school, and they’re only going to get worse as both of us take harder classes. I wanted you to have a way to remind yourself that, even if we aren’t together, I’m there with you.”
“It’s perfect,” Trevor reassured me. The peaceful reverence in his voice threatened to buckle my knees. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess when it comes to us. Sometimes, I worry you’re going to get sick of waiting around for me to be comfortable enough, secure enough, to tell my family how much I love you.”
I wouldn’t lie to Trevor and tell him it didn’t matter if or when he got to that point. It did, but I knew he didn’t do it because he was ashamed; he hadn’t told them because they likely wouldn’t accept it, and like me, he wanted to protect what we felt from any ugliness.
“We’ll get there, babe,” I promised him. “When the time is right, we’ll deal with all of it together.”
“Together.” Trevor interlaced his fingers with mine and started walking closer to the tree. We needed to get moving if we were going to see the show, but right then, I couldn’t bring myself to care. I’d taken the biggest leap of my life and was caught up in the knowledge that Trevor would jump with me.
