Michael
After spending more than a year pushing everyone away, it felt strange to find myself thinking about Dax when he wasn’t there. Part of that was due to the fact that he didn’t know me before my life started falling apart. All he knew about me was what he’d learned in the week and a half since he’d come over for dinner.
The other part of that was because he never looked down on me for struggling to keep Jagger in check. In fact, it was the exact opposite. His patience with both of us was endless. When Jagger frustrated me because nothing I thought of to do with him was enough, Dax was there telling him how much he wished his own dad had been around to do things like take him fishing or for a weekend at the cabin. When I annoyed Jagger with the way I’d started hovering to make sure he didn’t slip out of my sight again, Dax jumped in and reminded me that I still needed to let my son live his own life within reason.
And every time, Dax would apologize to me later, which was unnecessary because he was helping. I’d never live up to my own father’s example, but with Dax’s help, I quickly started to feel like we could do this. I was slowly finding the sense of normalcy I’d thought was out of reach just over a week ago.
And then, my phone rang. I was rushing to get dinner on the table for Jagger before taking him to my parents’ house for the night. We’d spent the entire day at the swimming hole with Dax, and I’d lost track of time. It was the first time in years that I’d truly let down my guard and enjoyed the simplicity of nothing more than hanging out with while Jagger and I watched Dax build a sandcastle. When we said goodbye in front of his house, I felt my mood drop because I wasn’t ready to end our time together.
“Yeah Ma, I’ll be there within the hour. We’re running behind today,” I said in a rush without waiting for her to say a word. She liked to remind me how I used to be so punctual, the way I’d get upset if we were late. I still was most of the time, but apparently not when Dax was around.
I was met by silence on the other end of the line. And then, a barking cough.Fuck. My. Life.
“Mom, are you okay?” I asked when she still didn’t say anything.
“Give me that,” my father demanded in the background. “Michael, I know it’s not much notice, but I think it’s for the best if you find someone else to watch Jagger tonight. As you can hear, your mother isn’t feeling well. She wanted to sequester herself in the bedroom, which would’ve been fine except her fever’s getting a bit high.”
Panic set in. Rex was going to kill me if my ass wasn’t behind the bar at six o’clock. We were already short-staffed, which was why I was going in early. I couldn’t call out, but that might be only option unless I wanted to call Erica’s parents. Connie had been asking me for a weekend with Jagger, but I didn’t want to call her because I had no one to watch him while I worked until the middle of the night. No way in hell was I going to give them one more reason to come down on me about my job.
I had no friends left in town, except Dax, and I wasn’t about to walk down to his house and beg him to watch Jagger after he’d wasted his entire day hanging out with us. He was a great guy, but his kindness had its limits, and asking him to give up a Friday night to babysit was probably on the other side of that line. Still, I couldn’t let my dad hear me freaking out. I knew him well enough to know he’d cave and drag Jagger along with them to urgent care, but he needed to be there for my mom, not running after a bored five-year-old.
“Okay, thanks for calling me,” I said, my mind already racing, trying to figure out who I might be able to call. Which of my friends might be understanding that I hadn’t pulled away from them because I didn’t enjoy spending time with them, but because everyone in my life reminded me of before. “Call me later and let me know what you find out.”
“Daddy, is everything okay?” I felt Jagger’s hand on my thigh and realized I was standing at the kitchen sink, staring blankly into the backyard with the water still running.
I looked down at him and offered a weak smile. “Yeah, buddy.” While I tried to figure out how to keep from giving up over a hundred dollars in tips for the night, I dished up a bowl of chicken and pasta for Jagger.
“Do we have to have that?” he complained, his little nose scrunched up as if I’d handed him a plate of liver and onions. “Can I just have peanut butter and jelly instead?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. I so wasn’t in the mood to get into it with him. “No, buddy. You can’t eat PBJ for every meal. Please eat the pasta. I have to find someone to watch you tonight.”
“I thought I was going to Meemaw’s,” he whined. “I always go to Meemaw and Papa’s on the weekend. I’m supposed to eat and get cleaned up so we can leave early enough for two stories.”
“No bud, she’s not feeling good, so Papa is taking her to the doctor,” I told him, hoping it wouldn’t lead to a series of questions I didn’t have answers to. Ever since Erica died, Jagger didn’t take it well when anyone he loved had so much as a sniffle. “Now, eat your dinner. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
I left him in the kitchen and flopped onto the couch as I scrolled through my phone contacts. There was one person I knew Icouldcall, but I wouldn’t. He’d forgive my absence and probably tell me how it was a completely normal reaction to push him out of my life, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone and dial his number. The other two who might be forgiving were both too immature for me to trust with Jagger. And yeah, I totally understood the irony of that, seeing as I was quickly earning a reputation around town as the poor, pitiful, single dad who couldn’t keep tabs on a little kid.
Without having made a single call, I tangled my fingers through my hair and fought the urge to cry. I wasn’t cut out to be Jagger’s whole world. When I found out Erica was expecting, I’d just about reached the point where I was ready to be honest with her that I wasn’t ready to be anything to anyone. I had come to realize I was a selfish man who didn’t want anyone else relying on him for anything. And where did that get me? Struggling to make ends meet at the end of every month and facing having to call out on one of the busiest nights of the week.
“Daddy, can Dax come over tonight?” Jagger climbed onto the couch next to me and started rubbing my back. He shouldn’t be the one comforting me, but he’d gotten used to doing it. That was just one more thing to add to the growing list of reasons I shouldn’t be left in charge of anyone other than myself.
“Buddy, I’m sure he has plans tonight,” I told him. “Plus, he was with us all day. We can’t take up all of his time.” I stared down at my phone, trying to work up the courage to call my boss. He was going to be pissed. My only saving grace was the fact that it was the first time I’d called out since starting last winter.
“No, he said he likes coming down to hang out with us because he doesn’t know anyone else and it’s better than sitting at home counting the cars that drive by,” Jagger informed me. “I bet he’d come down and play with me while you’re at work. He looked sad when we dropped him off at his house.”
Shit. Maybe the kid had a point. Maybe I needed to get over myself and ask. The worst that could happen would be he’d say no and I’d have to call in anyway.
Jagger hopped off the couch and raced to the door, quickly coming back with my shoes as well as his own. He grumbled every few steps when it became too much for him to carry, but I let him keep trying so he’d realize he could do it. Yeah, it was something minor, but Dax had said I needed to prove to Jagger that I didn’t see him as incapable of doing anything for himself.
“Come on, Daddy. Let’s walk down and ask Dax. Then he can show me how to build a garage for my cars.” If I wasn’t mistaken, Jagger was actually excited about the idea of spending the evening with Dax. That shouldn’t surprise me since the two of them had hit it off almost instantly and were now buddies.
“Okay,” I conceded. “Let me get changed and call to tell my boss I might be late. Then, we’ll go down there. Just don’t be upset if he says he can’t do it.”
Five minutes later, panic washed over me when I stepped out of my bedroom and Jagger was nowhere to be found.This can’t be happening again.I rushed through every room of the house, yelling his name and trying to decide whether to wrap him in my arms when I found him or toss him over my lap for a spanking. I knew it was hard for him to deal with me and my issues, but he needed to learn to do as he was told, and that included not disappearing every time I turned my back.
The doorbell rang and I rushed to the front of the house. When I opened the door, I was met with a smug-looking Dax and a very sheepish looking son. “Lose something?” Dax asked as he pushed his way into the house.
“Jagger, did you go to Dax’s house without me?” I asked, crouching down to hug him. My entire body shook and I nearly lost my balance, but Dax reached down to steady me. I offered him a quick smile before turning my attention back to Jagger. “What do I have to do to get you to see how much it scares me when you do shit like that?”
