Michael
The alarm blaring from my phone woke me from a restless sleep. I struggled to pull myself out of the bed, feeling as though I’d just gotten to sleep. From across the hall, I could hear Jagger already stirring in his bedroom. I stumbled to the bathroom and then poked my head in the door to see that he was already dressed, including his shoes and backpack. It seemed yesterday’s nerves and uncertainty had given way to the excitement I hoped he’d feel about going to school.
“Hey buddy, I’m going to get breakfast started,” I told him. “Go ahead and play out in the living room until it’s ready.”
I was trying hard to keep him focused in the mornings, but when he was all set to go already, there was nothing for him to do but play. In an ideal world, I’d invite him into the kitchen and we’d chat while I made his eggs and toast, but today I needed to be alone for a few minutes. Last night had really messed with my head.
Yeah, I wanted Dax for reasons I couldn’t explain, but that didn’t mean I should go after him. First of all, he was the first real friend I’d had in a long time and I didn’t want to lose him. Add to that the fact that it went against just about everything I thought I knew about myself, and you had a recipe for a disaster.
I picked up the phone to call my dad. I wasn’t about to tell him why I wanted them to watch Jagger on my night off, and I hoped he wouldn’t read too much into it or ask too many questions. As long as I kept my request vague, I hoped he’d simply think I needed a bit of me-time. What I really needed was to see if I could get Dax to come over so we could talk a bit more. There was a lot I wanted to say to him and I didn’t want any chance of interruptions.
“Is everything okay?” Dad answered on the second ring. It was unlike me to call so early, but then again, our schedules were completely different than they had been in the past. Jagger and I weren’t the night owls we were before he started school.
“Yeah, I just thought I’d call and see how Mom’s doing,” I lied. Okay, so it wasn’t totally a lie. She wasn’t recovering from the bronchitis as quickly as we’d hoped, which concerned me.
“She’s better,” Dad responded cautiously. “If you ask her, she’ll tell you she’s never felt better, but I can tell she’s still run down. That damn bug is hanging on for dear life. She misses you, you know. Maybe you and Jagger could come over after school so she can hear about his day. It was all she could talk about yesterday. She was pretty upset that you didn’t stop by.”
Great. Nothing like a heaping helping of guilt to go with my bitter morning coffee. I should have realized she’d want to see her only grandson to hear about his first day of school. Hell, she was probably pissed at me because we didn’t stop by on our way to school and pick her up so she could be there and help me walk him in.
I tamped down my guilt, which was only magnified by the fact that they were going to assume my asking them to watch Jagger was for their benefit when it was totally self-serving.
“Glad she’s feeling better,” I responded quickly. I almost let it go at that, but Dad had given me an opening to ask for their help. “If she’s not too tired, would she want some time with him this evening? Dax can still watch him when I’m at work so she doesn’t have to deal with getting him ready for bed, but I know he’s missed her as well.”
Shit. I hadn’t really thought about whether or not Dax would be up for watching Jagger now that summer break was over. He had to get up early in the morning, and sleeping on the couch wasn’t good for his hip and back. Plus, there was the elephant of only one of us being honest with the other, and I had no clue how he’d react once I told him how I felt. The more I thought about it, I wasn’t sure I was ready to say anything until I figured out what Dax’s revelation really meant to me. Was this something I wanted to pursue? Could I?
“Don’t be foolish,” he scolded me. “Your mother dealt with your cranky ass every day and night no matter how miserable she felt. I appreciate you trying to be mindful, but between the two of us we can get him settled. We’ll see how it goes tonight, but I think it’s time that we all get back to a normal routine. It’s good that you have a friend who’s willing to help, but you’re going to chase him off if you wear out his generosity. You can’t place that burden on one person.”
I knew what Dad wasn’t saying. He didn’t understand why I’d pulled myself away from all the friends I’d grown up with. And I wasn’t willing to admit to him how hard it was to be around people who knew the old me. Every friend I had was someone Erica and I had hung out with. The memories of her were so tangled and twisted up in my memories with them that it hurt to have those reminders. Now, I regretted that decision, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“Let’s see how tonight goes,” I parroted, trying to appease him. I knew there was no sense fighting with him. Mom always said it was hard to tell which of us was more stubborn. “You guys have been great about helping me out with him, but I don’t want to take advantage of you, either.”
“It’s good that you’re mindful of how much work it can be, but please don’t let your mother hear you talking about taking advantage of us.” My shoulders hunched forward almost instinctively, the same way they had every time I’d been sat down at the table across from my father as he lectured me. “We’d do anything for you boys and you damn well know it. Hell, I’m not certain she’s forgiven me for telling you she couldn’t watch him when she was sick. She doesn’t like to admit that she’s not as young as she used to be and that she needs more rest to get better. Now, bring that boy over here after school and we’ll figure out dinner.”
“Yes, sir.” That threw a wrench in my plans, but there was no way I was going to get out of dinner with my parents. We’d missed two weekends while Mom was too sick to watch Jagger. If she didn’t catch up with the two of us soon, she was likely to start laying on her own guilt trip about how we might as well live across the country if we weren’t going to visit more often. I’d just have to talk to Dax and hope that, maybe, my dad would agree to Jagger spending the night with them.
And I’ll be damned if thinking about an entire uninterrupted night with Dax didn’t have my dick perking right up. I squeezed the bulge forming under my flannel lounge pants, hoping that’d get my raging libido to settle down, because I didn’t want to try to explain that particular problem to my far too inquisitive five-year-old.
“Sounds good, Dad. I hate to cut this short, but I do have to get Jagger his breakfast so we can take off.” I smirked at how grown-up and responsible that sounded.
Forty-five minutes later, Jagger and I started the walk to school. It was only a few blocks, so there was no point in driving him if I didn’t have anything else to do. And unlike yesterday, when I felt as though every nosy eye in the neighborhood would be watching me if we walked to the school, today I felt ready to tackle anything.
That lasted until we walked down the corridor to Dax’s classroom. I saw Justin standing at the end of the hall talking to one of the other teachers. He hadn’t seen me yet, but I knew it was only a matter of time. He was the person I least wanted to see because he had the power to shatter my newfound confidence.
Justin had been my rock for a long time. When I struggled following the accident, he was the one who assured me I did everything I could and reminded me that the guy had lived. Still, I’d never been able to get the images out of my head, the demands that I step back and let the EMTs on duty do their job. The fact that they were still trying to get a pulse when they loaded him into the ambulance. He was great at sitting and listening to me without telling me I was being an idiot.
The night Erica died, he was on shift with me. He was the first to storm through the door of the bedroom I still slept in. While some of the other EMTs checked on her and quickly realized we were all too late, he was the one who sat in the corner with me, holding me while I wailed about how unfair life was. Then, after everyone else left, he was the one who stayed with me. He called my parents so they could come and get Jagger, and the two of us proceeded to go through an entire bottle of whiskey.
Unfortunately, that also meant he was the first person I cut out of my life. He was so tied into two of the worst memories of my admittedly good life up to that point that I felt it was something I had to do. I didn’t want the constant reminders of how I’d failed. Michael Underwood didn’t fail. Or so I’d thought when I was young and naïve.
We were almost to the classroom when my luck ran out. Justin looked up and seemed torn over whether to approach us or pretend we were just another nameless family there for drop-off. Grasping on to the last threads of my confidence from earlier in the morning, I offered him a slight smile and nod. He walked over and crouched down in front of Jagger, who seemed reluctant to talk to him.
Both of us adults flinched. There had been a time when we’d joked that Justin could easily walk away with Jagger and there’d be no fight because they were best buddies. Much like Dax and Jagger were now.
“Wow, you’re getting big,” Justin exclaimed as he held out a hand and re-introduced himself to my son. “You might not remember me, but I’m Justin.”
“But you’re a teacher,” Jagger protested. “If I call you that, I’ll get in trouble.”
“Sorry, we’ve been reminding him that he can’t use first names for teachers,” I informed him.
