The need to feel more of Tony grounding me to the present is overwhelming, so I take Jason’s advice and do what feels right. I slide higher on the bed so my back is resting against the wall. Tony rolls on his side, draping one arm over my lap.
“Thank you,” I whisper, leaning over for a quick kiss. “I have to warn you; I’ve been carrying a cart full of baggage around for my entire adult life. Every word I said out there, I meant. There have been times in the past when I thought I was doing a great job of healing, but you ripped the scabs off and made me realize I’ve been very creative in finding ways to avoid letting go. I’m not sure if or when all of the hurt will go away, but I’d like to see where this thing between us leads.”
“Wow, we’re just a barrel of comfort and joy, huh?” Tony jokes. The cloud of tension and sadness lifts slightly as his hand moves under the hem of my Henley. The sexual awareness from our previous times together is conspicuously missing. Tony might not realize it, but he is my comfort as his thumb brushes against my stomach. “I’ve never had a relationship with anyone because I’ve always known in the back of my mind that I didn’t deserve it until I reached a point where I could be honest with my family about who I am. Then, I wound up stranded in an airport one night and my other half walked up to offer me a ride. You make me want to be a better man than I’ve been for the past twenty-eight years.”
“Your other half?” I quip, turning so we’re facing one another. “Youarea good man, Tony. You may not be the most eloquent under pressure, but we all say things we can’t take back.”
I stare at Tony in the darkness, questioning my sanity. He makes me want so much.Needwhat I’ve denied myself since Brandon. But I promised myself I’d never hide again, and that’s what being with Tony would mean. No matter how right this feels, I can’t put myself through the possibility of being erased from someone’s history again.
“Hey, what’s going on, baby?” Tony works his free hand beneath my head, tangling his fingers in my hair. “Whatever you need from me, tell me. Tomorrow, I’m going to tell my parents that I’m gay. I hope you don’t mind if I can’t go so far as telling them about you. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. If it goes the way I’m expecting, I won’t have them hating you or trying to accuse you of doing this to me. Once they settle down, if they’re still speaking to me, then I’ll take out a fucking billboard in Times Square professing my undying love for you.”
I can’t listen to it anymore. Bolting from the bed, I rush across the hall to the bathroom and lose everything in my stomach. Tony softly shuts the two of us in the small room, kneeling beside me. I can’t fucking breathe. I keep heaving even when there’s nothing left to expel, bristling when Tony’s hand begins rubbing circles along my back.
“Talk to me, Dom,” he pushes once I’m able to pull away from the toilet. He fills a glass of water and hands it to me while he gets a washcloth from the cabinet. Wracking sobs shake my entire body and I bury my head in my hands to hide the embarrassment and shame.
Tony’s just said everything I should have wanted to hear, but he hit that raw nerve once again. He places the cold washcloth to the back of my neck and leans forward to hold me through my fit. “Baby, tell me what I did wrong. Right about now I’m afraid to say anything because I can’t keep doing this to you.”
I stand, reaching for Tony’s hand to lead him back to the bedroom. Future or not, Tony deserves to know my emotional state isn’t a failing on his part. I wait until he’s back in the bed and curl into his side with my head resting on his chest, figuring it’ll be easier to share if I don’t have to see the pity in his eyes.
“When I was eighteen, my boyfriend and I told our parents we were working in Rhode Island for the summer. It wasn’t a total lie because Brandon had a family friend in Newport who knew someone we could work for.” I close my eyes, thinking back to the night Brandon brought up the idea.
“Think about it, Dom. Jason said he knows an old lady who owns a cottage right on the water. It needs work, so she’s willing to let us stay there as long as we do the work.” Brandon’s hazel eyes gleam as he lays out this plan. He’s always so scared about anyone realizing that we’re more than just friends, so I’m left speechless by his suggestion.
“How do we explain it to our folks? My dad’s expecting me to help him with landscaping and your parents barely let you out on weekends. You know they’re going to freak if you tell them you’re going to a different state for a few months.” Brandon’s expression falters and I can almost hear the doubts in his mind. “Baby, it’s a great dream; I just don’t know how we’ll make it work. I can’t think of anything better than spending the entire summer making love to you at night, I’m just trying to be realistic here.”
“Why do you have to be such a downer?” Brandon grumbles. “I know you hate having to hide out all the time and thought you’d jump on this faster than a fat kid grabs a second piece of cake. Guess I was wrong.” He storms out of my bedroom and I hear his car rumble to life a minute later.
“We wound up doing it. I used to joke that the only reason we had sex so often was because that’s what you’re supposed to do with the person you love after you fight. He told me I was a tight ass and I accused him of being ashamed of me,” I choke out around the lump in my throat. It hurts to say, but there’s part of me that wonders if we would have stayed together forever like we talked about, or if the petty bickering would have eventually pulled us apart.
“One weekend, he went home for a family reunion and was really upset when he came back. When I pushed him to tell me what happened, he said that he came out and his father threatened to put him in the ground if he didn’t leave that very minute, so he did.”
Tony wipes the tears away from my face and I can hear him sniffling as well. “He came out because he felt like he had to; otherwise I’d find someone I could be myself with. Never mind the fact that I hadn’t come out either, but I wanted to. God, being with him at the cottage showed me what life could be like and I wanted to walk into my dad’s house with my arms wrapped around Brandon’s waist and tell my dad he could screw himself if he didn’t like it.”
“See, you’re such a great guy that men practically jump out of the closet to make you happy.” Tony’s attempt to lighten the mood falls flat. “Is that it? Did Brandon wind up choosing his family over you?”
“I wish,” I mumble. Before I finish my sad tale, I take a break to listen to Tony’s heartbeat, letting it remind me that he’s very much here and alive. “Four days later, we were out on the water with our friends, Jason and Deena. Brandon turned his head for a second to call me a chicken shit because I wasn’t racing across the lake with him. He kicked up the throttle as he turned his jet ski and wound up heading straight toward the path of a speedboat. It turned out the driver of the boat had been drinking all day and didn’t see Brandon in time.”
“Oh, baby…” Tony struggles to find something to say to console me. The words won’t come, they never do, even to those who were there that day. ‘I’m sorry’ seems so inadequate when the person you’re talking to watched the man they loved bleeding out in the middle of the harbor before anyone could rescue him. “And twice now, I’ve said things that remind you of him?” he guesses. I nod.
There’s a soft knock on the bedroom door. Cara pokes her head in and smiles when she sees the two of us cuddling on the bed. “Just wanted to let you two know that Mama and Gus are early. We’re still waiting on Nona and the rest of them. Take your time.” She doesn’t wait for a response before gently pulling the door closed.
“I don’t want you to be afraid of saying the wrong things to me, Tony,” I assure him. “My buddy, Jason, said he’d help me find someone to talk to if I say the word. I think I’m going to take him up on it. He helped me see how much of my life I’ve spent trying to live for Brandon since he didn’t get to achieve any of his dreams. It’s time to start remembering my own.”
Chapter Thirteen
Tony
Because I havethe most amazing sister in the entire world, Cara leaves Dom and I alone until six o’clock, when Andrew’s youngest sister arrives. After he told me about Brandon, everything became crystal clear. Without realizing what I was doing, I placed him back in the mind of his eighteen-year-old self when he thought they’d find a way to be together forever.
“Baby, it’s time to get up,” I whisper in his ear. Dominic grumbles as he burrows deeper into my side. I feel bad because he obviously needs his sleep, but he’s the one who wanted everyone to come over. If we knew one another better, I’d know how the best way to wake him without getting my nose broken.
I spend a few more minutes trying to coax Dom out of a deep sleep before giving up. Carefully, I slide my arm out from under him and get out of the bed. He stirs as I’m getting dressed, but quickly curls his hands beneath his cheek. I dig my phone out of the pocket of my jeans and snap a quick picture so I can look back on this moment. After hurting him repeatedly, I know that I’m also the one who brought that content look to his face.
“Welcome to the land of the living.” Andrew pokes me in the ribs, looking over my shoulder to see if Dom’s behind me. “Where’s the other one?” he asks quietly.
“He’s sleeping like a frat boy the morning after a kegger,” I respond, drawing the attention of Mama Rossi and Nona. “Let’s go ahead and eat. He wouldn’t want a good meal going to waste. Then again, if Cara cooked, he may be the lucky one.”
Mama Rossi bats my hand away when I reach for a piece of garlic bread. Other than a few bites of my bagel, I haven’t eaten since sometime yesterday. At this point, I’ll risk a case of food poisoning from my sister’s cooking just to have something in my gut. “You don’t give her enough credit, Tony. She’s spent many weekends at our house, learning how to prepare her husband’s favorite meals. Why don’t you make a plate for Dominic so he can eat when he’s feeling better? What happened to make him decide to stay here for Christmas?”
