For the third time today, he turns away from me, but this time I’m right behind him because I’m ready to fight for what I want. “Dominic, you’re right. I’m sorry. I was an insensitive ass this morning. Go back in there and ask anyone in my family and they’ll tell you it’s what I do best.Please,just give me a few minutes to explain some things to you,” I beg, ignoring the hotel guests staring at us as I chase him through the lobby.
Dominic stops to the side of the front door, his head dropping to between his now sagging shoulders. Without turning to look at me, he begins to speak. “I meant it this morning when I said I understand why you were spewing the shit you were, but it doesn’t change anything. Right now, I have to get out of the city to clear my head. I’ll be back in a couple of days and maybe then I’ll be in a better place.”
Something is going on with Dom. Something much deeper than he’s letting on, but I’m going to give him the space he’s asked for right now. Following my instincts, I take a few steps forward to close the distance between us. His body tenses when I wrap my arm around his waist and tenderly kiss his shoulder. It’s the only thing I can do to show him that I’m here for him. Dominic’s hand closes around my fingers, giving them a quick squeeze before he pulls my arm away from his body and walks out the door.
* * *
Dom
Sixteen years should be long enoughfor the memories of Brandon to no longer hurt. It’s been a long time since my throat has swelled with emotion when something happens that reminds me of him. Once I calmed down enough that I was no longer seeing red over the way Tony warned me that he planned to snub me today, my mind was catapulted back to the summer I turned eighteen; that’s when the world started losing its color around me.
I’ve been the boyfriend kept in a dark closet before. Being young and in love, I told myself it wouldn’t be forever, that someday Brandon and I would be able to walk down the streets holding hands without worrying someone who knew his parents would find out. But someday never came. For a few short days, I thought we had reached that point, and then the bottom fell out of my world.
“Dom, get your ass out of bed! We’re wasting a beautiful day staying holed up in here.” Brandon bounces on the mattress next to me as if he’s a five-year-old kid waiting to go to Disneyland. “Come on, baby! Deena and Jason have the jet skis ready to go; they’re just waiting on us. And by us, I mean your lazy ass because I’ve been up for over an hour.”
“Do we have to go?” I whine, pulling the pillow over my head. I can’t explain it, but there’s a pit in my stomach. The type of sensation Grandma used to warn me to listen to. “Couldn’t we hang around here one more day and then go tomorrow?”
“Hey, you getting in or should I take your suitcase out and leave you here?” I blink a few times, staring at the cabbie, wondering where he came from. I slide into the back seat, apologizing, hoping I can hold my shit together for the next few hours.
“Penn Station, please,” I instruct him. While he inches through the Sunday afternoon traffic, I close my eyes tightly, trying to block out the images of Brandon looking back at me, his unruly brown hair blowing all over the place as he cranks the throttle on his jet ski. Hearing the screams as the rest of us notice a boat shifting course, headed directly toward him.
“Buddy, are you fucking high or somethin’?” I reach up and feel tears streaming down my cheeks. “You scared the shit out of me, screaming like that. Do it again and I’ll kick your ass out and you can walk the rest of the way.”
“Sorry.” I curl up on the seat, terrified that I feel like I’m crumbling.
My cell phone keeps vibrating in my pocket, so I silence it. Tony saw too much of the emotion I continually try to hide from everyone, including those closest to me, and I’m sure he ran off to tell Andrew. That man is closer to me than anyone else on the face of the earth and even he doesn’t know about the anguish that almost destroyed me in the past.
* * *
The sun is settingon Newport Harbor when I pull up in front of the cottage I bought a decade ago. Most of the time, it’s used as an income property for young couples looking for a secluded place near the water. Luckily, it’s the off-season so it’s sitting stale and empty, much like the way I’m feeling at this point. The memories are bound to come flooding back as soon as I walk through the door, but I’m grateful for the reprieve offered by the gentle sway of the train that lulled me into a fitful sleep on the way here.
“Honey, I’m home,” I say to no one as I enter the dark kitchen. In the morning, I’ll go back to town to let Jason know I’m here so he doesn’t come down to investigate if he sees the lights on. It’s a visit I’d prefer to avoid, but it will be easier to do it on my own terms.
The wrought-iron bedframe creaks as I fall onto the mattress. Staring out at the harbor, I allow the tears to return, hoping to purge all the shit I thought I’d finally gotten past. The longer I lie in the bed, gripping a pillow tight to my chest, the more memories come flooding into the room.
This was the first place I was able to live an authentic life without worrying about what anyone else thought. Brandon was still on edge every minute of every day, but he’d only tense at the slightest public show of affection rather than jerk away from me. Living in Newport with him the summer before we both headed off to college was a glimpse of what life could be like away from the disapproving glares of our families. This cottage was once a place that gave me hope for a great life.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask, staring at the jet skis bobbing in the water. Brandon looks around to make sure there’s no one around other than Jason and Deena before wrapping his arms around my waist. I like hanging out with them because Brandon knows they won’t judge him. “I mean, what if something happens out there?”
The foreboding pit in my stomach hasn’t eased a bit since I woke up. I’ve tried telling myself it’s because of too many drinks around the bonfire last night, but I don’t think it is.
“Come on, Dom. You can’t go your entire life being a chicken,” Brandon taunts me. “There are no guarantees in life, so take a chance for once!” He releases me and dashes to his jet ski. By the time I decide that he’s right, I’m not sure I’ll be able to catch him as he bounces across the waves. As I settle myself into the seat, I grow agitated with Brandon. The man will do just about anything if there’s some sort of adrenaline rush attached to it, but he shuts down about issues that really matter in life.
Within minutes, the four of us are chasing each other around the harbor, yelling and laughing.
My nostrils flare as I desperately try to draw a breath. The sound of my heart beating a furious tattoo is the only noise I can hear. If I don’t go to sleep, I won’t have to see what happens next. But staying awake will only lead to me talking to a fucking ghost. Coming here was a huge mistake, but I can’t go back. I can’t let Tony know how deeply he cut me with his denial.
Chapter Nine
Dom
By morning,I’m no longer questioning why I thought it was a wise decision to come to the cottage. I know it’s because I never let go of Brandon, no matter what lines I tried feeding myself. Tony is the first person with whom I’ve felt the same raw chemistry that led me to come here with Brandon that summer. They’re the only men who’ve made me want to feel, to take chances I shouldn’t, because they’re worth it. And yes, even with as mad as I am at Tony right now, my heart’s still telling me that I’m only upset because he succeeded at making me feel something beyond the physical need for release.
After a quick trip into town, I curl up on the end of the lumpy couch with a cup of coffee. Deena has been trying to get me to redecorate the cottage since the day it became mine, but a new mattress is the only concession I’ve made so far. While we never owned the cottage together, I want to keep everything the way it was when Brandon was here with me, as if that’s somehow honoring his memory. To make the property more appealing to potential renters, Deena covered the hideous, outdated upholstery with a slip cover in muted tones. It hides the ugliness, but I will never forget the scratchy, burnt orange fabric underneath.
Eventually, I stretch out on the couch, imagining Brandon’s body covering mine the way it did when we’d watch a movie together late at night. The memory isn’t soul-shredding today, there’s only a dull ache in my chest. It’s only when my phone rings that I realize I’ve finally succumbed to the exhaustion that’s been building for far too long.
“Hello?” I sit up on the couch, squinting at the clock on the opposite wall. My contacts are dry, which makes no sense since I’ve spent hours moisturizing them with my tears.
