I took Teo’s hand in mine, lifting it to my lips, kissing the back of each of his fingers to show my gratitude that he was willing to trust me with this.
The set was any daddy’s dream, but it was too perfect, too clinical. I looked at my boy and noticed the way he worried his lip between his teeth. He wanted this but struggled to get into the right headspace.
“Sit.” I pointed at the small table and chairs at the edge of the set. “I’ll be right back.”
I rummaged through the totes, trying to find the underwear that’d taunted me all weekend. I couldn’t forget the way his face lit up when I pulled out the race car undies, then tried to hide his disappointment when I’d put them back in favor of a more sedate pair that I’d incorrectly assumed he’d like better. After finding them, I moved to the next tote, a clear vision of the scene I hoped to create forming in my mind. Piece by piece, I gathered everything Teo needed to let go of his adult worries and sink into little time.
“Come here, boy,” I directed him when I returned, my words carefully measured so there was no mistaking that it wasn’t a suggestion. “Time for us to get you dressed.”
He glanced back at the door leading to the apartment. “I thought we weren’t shooting yet.”
“We’re not, but if you’re up for it, this will help you more fully embrace your role,” I explained, holding out a hand to him, subtly placing the ball in his court. If he balked, we’d stop, but if he approached, I planned to show him how a good daddy helped his boy.
One tentative step in front of the other, Teo closed the distance between us. I patted my knee, inviting him to sit on my lap. His breathing was shallow and labored, as if anxiety was flooding his senses. “Relax, boy. You’re safe with me. I won’t do anything to violate your trust in me.”
“I’m… I don’t want to have sex with you.” The words would’ve been like a knife to the gut from anyone else, but I knew Teo wasn’t trying to shoot me down. Realizing what he’d said, he groaned loudly and buried his face in my chest. Unfortunately for him, that still left his bright red ears on display. “I mean… oh, my god, I didn’t mean I don’t want to have sex withyou, I meant I don’t have sex with anyone. I know it’s messed up, but I don’t like it.”
“That’s good to know,” I responded. I desperately wanted to reward him with a kiss but didn’t want him to think I was pushing his limits. “Being little and sex don’t have to go hand in hand.”
“You’re not upset that this isn’t sexual for me?” He seemed confused that I hadn’t rejected him outright.
“No, Angel.” I rubbed my hand over his back, sliding under the hem of the shirt I’d given him earlier to test the waters. “I will never make you do something you don’t want to do. And if you do change your mind, you’ll have to tell me so I know what you want.”
“I like this,” he admitted, so quietly I wasn’t sure he’d meant the words to be spoken out loud. “Want to stay just like this. You’re warm.”
“We can do that, but I thought you wanted me to help you find your little space again,” I reminded him. If he was this tactile all the time, it was a good thing we only had a few more days of shooting. Already, I was dreaming of what it’d be like if he was my boy for real, and that was dangerous. I loved a boy who craved Daddy’s comfort, but wasn’t sure I could ever allow myself that peace again, knowing that little boys didn’t stay little forever. Eventually, they grew and left. If there was anyone who could get me over my own insecurities, it’d be Matteo.
“Do you mind if we talk about what you want to do before we do it?” he asked, tipping his head back to look at me.
“Of course not.” I grabbed the supplies I’d set on the small side table. “I picked out an outfit for you.”
“I can wear the race cars today?” he asked, a smile beaming across his face. “And the T-shirt matches!”
“Daddy saw how sad you looked the other day when I put them away.” It was another risk, referring to myself as Daddy, and I worried I’d gone too far when Teo stiffened. I held my breath, waiting for him to turn on me, insisting I was sick and twisted to expect him to call me that. But he didn’t.
“Daddy,” he whispered, not looking at me. He repeated the word a few times, as if trying it on for size. His gaze refocused and he took the clothing from my hands. “What else?”
I held up a sippy cup with a bright red lid. His head cocked to the side as he reached for it. “You might get thirsty.”
“Yeah, maybe.” He went quiet and closed his eyes. I counted each slow breath, relieved that he seemed calmer now. “And this isn’t weird to you?”
“Not at all,” I reassured him. “I understand why it’s not for everyone, but I miss having a little boy to take care of.”
I bit my tongue, annoyed that I’d shown so much of my hand so soon. Even John didn’t know about Bradley. We’d been together when I’d moved away for college and the relationship had imploded when Bradley severed ties less than a week before graduation, telling me he couldn’t keep “playing these games” with me. It didn’t matter that he’d been the one to get me into the lifestyle; something had changed for him and he’d decided it was better to completely sever ties.
“Do you think there’s something wrong with playing like this?” I asked, trying to bring the focus back to the present.
He cocked his head to the side, reaching up to pinch his bottom lip between his fingers. I swatted his hand away before he could hurt himself. “I wouldn’t say that, but it is confusing.”
“How so?” A flush creeped up Teo’s neck and cheeks, making me even more curious about what he was mulling over in his mind. I lifted a hand, brushing the damn hair away from his face. “If you want me to help you understand, you have to tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I never understood what the big deal was about sex,” he blurted out. I choked on my own saliva at the matter-of-fact statement. “I tried it a few times because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do, but it didn’t do anything for me.”
“Angel, we’ve already decided that that’s not even on the table for us,” I reminded him, biting my tongue to keep from adding “right now” to the end of the statement.
“I know, but the thing is when you hold me like this, it feels the way some people say sex is supposed to feel.” He burrowed his face into the crook of my neck. This time, I did kiss the side of his head as I started understanding his confusion.
“Teo, there’s more to intimacy than penetration,” I told him. “Some people need to feel close to others in order to feel attraction.”
