I glanced over at Freddie and he nodded his agreement. I pushed myself out of the chair, giving each of my brothers a quick hug. “Thanks, guys. I didn’t realize how much bigger I was making this than I needed to.”
“Don’t mention it.” Frankie chuckled and give me a slap on the back. “We’ve all had plenty of time to figure out how your brain works. And I know you don’t believe it, but none of us would have you any other way. You think about things in different ways and that’s part of what makes you you. If Levi can see that and love you for it, then that’s all any of us need to know.”
“He does,” I assured them. Somehow, I walked out of the office thinking I was the luckiest guy in the world.
* * *
It feltodd driving myself over to Mama’s house. Whenever Levi was in town, he drove. That was fine by me because I’d much rather sit back and enjoy the ride than try to pay attention to everything going on around me. I eased my foot off the gas when I reached the exit that would take me home, meaning Levi’s place, but kept going. If I went to the apartment to take a nap before heading to Mama’s for dinner, it’d be far too easy to convince myself this talk could wait another day. I’d reached the point where I just wanted to get it over with.
When I pulled up in front of my childhood home, Mama was sitting on the front porch in her old rocking chair. She offered me a wary smile as I made my way up the walk, motioning me to take a seat in Papa’s chair. I tried to keep from fidgeting as I sat down, running through every possible way to start this conversation.
She watched me, not saying a word. I was drawing a blank. “Is this the part where you tell me you fell in love and you’re leaving me in this big house all alone?”
My chest ached, feeling like I’d been not only stabbed but had the knife twisted in my chest. I couldn’t remember her ever giving my brothers a hard time when they’d told her they were moving out but somehow, I was different. I resented all of them for the freedom they’d been so freely given that I had to fight for. “Mama, it’s not like that. I’m not leaving you. It’s not like I’m moving across the country with someone I barely know.”
“But you don’t deny you’re moving out?” I looked over to her, but Mama refused to make eye contact. Instead, she stared out at the street, rocking back and forth slowly in the creaky wooden chair.
“I am,” I confirmed. I sat up a bit straighter, knowing she’d latch on to any insecurity I showed. I swallowed hard before continuing. “Levi and I practically live together already so it’s not like it’s that big of a change for me to officially live with him. And yes, I do love him.”
“How do you know?” Mama shot back. “Unless you’ve done a better job than any of your brothers at hiding things from me, this man is the first person you’ve dated. How do you know what you’re feeling is love and not just excitement for something new?”
I gripped the arms of the chair tightly. If it was possible, I was sure I would’ve left fingernail marks in the wood. Just because I didn’t have as much experience as my brothers with relationships didn’t mean I was confused.
I was even happier now than I had been before that I’d insisted Mama and I have this conversation on our own. I didn’t want Levi subjected to her skepticism. “I can’t tell you how I know I’m in love, but I do. Being with Levi isn’t like going to an amusement park and getting excited for all the new rides. When I’m with him, he settles me. Not by anything he does, but just by being there with me.”
There was no way I was going to tell Mama about certain parts of our life together, but no matter what happened in the future between us, I’d always be grateful to Levi for opening my eyes to a life I’d never known I could have. My stomach soured at even the briefest thought we might not be together forever, but I wasn’t naïve enough to think a couple great months would guarantee happily ever after.
“If this is something you want now, why not give it a few more months to make sure you’re not both stuck in the honeymoon phase before making any rash decisions,” Mama suggested. “Moving in together is a huge commitment; it’s not something you do on the spur of the moment.”
“I’m fully aware of that,” I told her. “But I also know I can’t stay here forever.” She opened her mouth to argue, and I held up a hand to silence her. I’d prepared myself for her to come at me with the reasons she thought I was making a mistake, and for the first time in my life I felt confident about what I was doing. “This isn’t me asking your permission to move in with my boyfriend. I’m a grown man, fully capable of making my own decisions, and I wanted to show you the respect of letting you know what I’m doing.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but how does he feel—” I stopped Mama before she could finish her question. I knew she was only trying to look out for me, but it pissed me off that the same woman who always fought for me and told me I was just as capable as anyone else of doing whatever I set my mind to was now using the ADHD she’d refused to admit I even had for a long time against me.
“Mama, Levi knows all about my quirks,” I told her. “If either of us have let my mind get in the way, it’s me. He’s been nothing but understanding and is always there to help me when I need it. He also has made it clear he won’t let me use it as an excuse to push him away. And that should tell you all you need to know.” I hated leaving on a bad note, but I didn’t think we were going to accomplish anything by me staying here longer tonight. I bent down and kissed Mama’s cheek, hoping she let me go without a fight. “I love you, Mama. Someday, I hope you’ll see what an amazing man Levi is, and you’ll love him as much as you do both Calvin and Peter. For now, you’re just going to have to trust that you raised me to make my own decisions and let me go.”
Mama sniffled and nodded. “I’m sorry, Matteo. It is going to take me a little while, but it’s not because I think this Levi is going to do anything to hurt you.” She stood and wrapped her arms tightly around my middle, burying her face against my chest. “It’s not fair of me to hold you back, but sometimes it’s hard to admit my boys are all grown up now. Please, don’t let me ruin your weekend.”
“That means a lot to me, Mama.” We hugged on the front porch for a long time and when we separated, both of us had tears in our eyes.
“Please, stay for dinner.” I hated that I’d had any part in upsetting Mama, even if it was necessary. After hearing her explain why this was so hard for her, I realized it wouldn’t be any different if it was Levi or someone else, if it was now or a year from now. I was the last person tethering Mama to her identity as a caretaker. For almost thirty years, being Mama was all she’d known.
“I’d love to stay for dinner,” I told her. When I’d gotten up to leave, it’d only been because I hated seeing her upset.
“And maybe you could call this man of yours and invite him over?” She phrased the request as a question. Now, I regretted talking to her when Levi was out of town. I didn’t want her thinking I was making excuses for him.
“He’s gone this weekend, but if you’d like, I’m sure we can find a time next week to come over. Believe me, once you get to know him you’re going to love him as much as I do.”
“I know, Matteo. He seems like a good man. Your brothers told me all about the incident last weekend when Freddie was moving in, and they had nothing but good things to say about him and how he took care of you.” She led me into the house and I smelled the sauce that had likely been simmering all day. My stomach growled because I’d been too nervous earlier to eat anything. Over dinner, we talked more about Levi and our relationship. I had to creatively dodge her questions about how we met because as far as I was concerned, I could go my entire life without her finding out about the photo shoot or John’s website.
After dinner I helped her clean the kitchen and we sat down with a deck of cards. This had always been our thing. None of my brothers had been entertained by sitting around the table playing cards, but I loved it. We played late into the night, talking about nothing in particular. It was as if both of us knew these evenings would be a rarity once I moved out.
She stopped by my bedroom on the way to hers, pausing in the doorway. “Be patient with me, Matteo. Out of all my boys, you’ve always held a special place in my heart. It’s not easy for a mama to watch her baby grow up and live his own life. But Iamproud of you for everything you’ve overcome, sometimes despite our failings as parents.”
“You didn’t fail me, Mama.” I rushed across the room and held her tight, kissing the top of her head. “Maybe life would’ve been easier if you’d taken me to a doctor sooner, but then I wouldn’t be who I am today. And Levi’s the one who made me see I’m not broken, just different. He loves all of me, including the parts I wish I could change. He’s a good man.”
“I’m sure he is.” Mama cupped my face in her hands and pulled me down for a kiss. “Buona notte, sogni d'oro, d'amore e di felicità.”
Good night, have sweet dreams of love and happiness.Every night as children, Mama had sent us to bed with this same wish just as her immigrant parents had done for her. Tonight, I pulled the blankets over my chest feeling as if her wish had come true.
