“Forgive me if I’m being too forward, but what about you?” There was a hitch in his voice; I’d noticed it a few times when he wasn’t sure how I’d handle something he said.
“What about me?” I asked to buy myself a bit of time.
“Who turns you on, Angel?”You.Luckily, I was pretty sure I managed to keep that thought inside my head. “John said you’re straight, but I haven’t met many straight men who don’t shy away from affection from another man.”
Saying the words out loud felt like the most terrifying thing I’d ever done. I was always careful to avoid conversations about attraction because I didn’t want to admit I was broken. That there were wires crossed in my head and I had never looked at someone and sprung wood.
“Remember, there are no right or wrong answers,” he reminded me when I didn’t respond. “I’m trying to get to know you right now. I won’t lie and say I’m asking out of simple curiosity, but you’re not easy to read.”
Say the first thing that comes to your mind,he’d told me earlier. So, I did. “No one. I don’t know why, but I’ve never felt the things most guys talked about in high school. I mean, girls were pretty, but they didn’t make me feel anything. Same with guys. I wish it wasn’t that way, but it’s how I am. When I jerk off, I don’t need porn and I don’t think about who I want to be with…”or I hadn’t, until this past weekend.“Masturbating isn’t a replacement for sex, it’s more like a pressure release than anything. It feels good, but I don’t dream about having someone else to do that for me or do other thingstome. That’s weird, right?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t? We just got done taking pictures for a freaking sex toy site of all things, but you don’t think it’s weird that I don’t understand what all the hype is about?”
“Nope.” Levi placed a hand on my knee. “Angel, a lot of people think the world is black and white, when there are a million different shades in between. You like what you like, or not, and you should never let anyone make you feel bad about that.”
“But that’s the thing; I like spending time with you. It’s different from how I feel when I hang out with John, my other friends, or even my brothers,” I admitted. I’d eventually regret letting my lack of a filter go unchecked, but since Levi had broached the subject, I found myself wanting to open to him.
“I feel the same way.”
“For now, sure,” I scoffed. Levi wasn’t beautiful by most people’s standards, but he was sweet, tender, and I’d be willing to bet a very attentive lover. “But what happens when you want more?”
“We’ll talk about it when the time comes.” Levi stopped talking long enough to concentrate on parking the car about a block from the pub. We both got out and met at the curb. Levi slid his hand into mine as we made our way down the sidewalk. “One thing I’ve learned over the years is that it’s dangerous to lock yourself into a box. Who you are could easily change or you may simply get a better understanding of what makes you tick. Believe me, what I’m into was barely on my radar when I was your age.”
“You make it sound like you’re ancient.”
“Some days, it feels that way.” As if to emphasize the point, Levi twisted his upper body to stretch out his back.
I bumped my shoulder against his, causing him to stumble a step to the left. “Come on, you can’t bethatmuch older than me.”
“I’m flattered you think so, but I’m thirty-four. I’ll be thirty-five in a little over a month.” My steps faltered, certain I’d misheard him. I’d have believed late twenties, but no way did he look to be in his mid-thirties. “So trust me when I say I know how much can change as you get older and learn more about yourself. Do you want to know my thoughts about what you’ve told me and what I’ve experienced with you?”
I wouldn’t put too much stock into anything he said since we’d only known one another about a week, but I was curious. “Sure.”
“You’re the type of person who needs to feel a connection to someone before you can feel attraction. I’m not sure you even notice it, but you’re a very tactile man. You almost melted earlier when I drew you into my lap and rubbed your back.” He continued telling me how he saw me, and it made sense. With Levi, I was able to put aside my concerns about him learning my flaws. What started out as a job for both of us had quickly morphed into something I couldn’t yet define, but I was curious to test his theories. “Sometimes, the strongest bonds are the ones that aren’t born out of sexual desire. It’s part of what makes a lot of the BDSM lifestyle seem incredibly intense.”
“Yeah, I’m definitely not into any of that.” I shuddered, suddenly freaking out that what we’d been doing was some sort of precursor to spending late nights with me chained up in a dungeon or something similar.Yeah, no thanks.
“No, I don’t think you are into anything heavy, but without realizing it, you’ve tapped into a side of your personality that craves submission. I could see it in your eyes when you were coloring earlier; you wanted my approval.” Okay, so that was true. When Levi praised me, I felt like I could take on the world. When he’d directed me to the next task, I hadn’t thought about what I needed to do because he’d guided me the entire time. And several times, I’d wished I could feel that way more often. “BDSM is different things to different people, even within the community. But the definitions are murkier when you add in those who base their opinions on what they’ve heard rather than what they’ve tried. We can talk more about all of this later. For now, let’s enjoy dinner with friends.”
“Okay.” In less than a week, I felt as if my world had been tilted in the best possible way. For the first time in forever, the voice in the back of my head telling me I was broken stayed silent. Levi knew what I saw as my biggest flaw and accepted it. And in his acceptance, he’d given me an amazing gift: hope.
6
Levi
“You two seemto be getting along,” John mused while we waited for our dinner to arrive.
“We are.” I glanced at Teo then brushed my fingers across his hand beneath the table. Even though we’d been seated at a six-top and he could’ve sat next to John, he’d chosen the seat next to mine.
John traced his thumb across his lower lip as he assessed us. My cousin was up to something, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what scheme was brewing in his mind.
Denny cleared his throat, glaring at John. This obviously wasn’t a spontaneous idea and the fact Denny was practically screaming at John with nothing more than a look told me I wasn’t going to like this.
“You know I’m right,” John said to Denny. “It’s perfect. They’re perfect.”
Denny’s nostrils contracted as he sucked in a sharp breath. I knew that look; Denny was annoyed. “Not. Now.”
