5
Freddie
As promised,the girls took off shortly after breakfast, leaving me alone–completely alone–with Peter. That was dangerous, because I’d spent half the night tossing and turning in my bed, wishing things were different and he was next to me. Feelings I’d spent a decade suppressing were bubbling back to the surface, and I doubted Peter would be willing to take part in my little experiment. Even if he was, I wasn’t sure I could go through with the things I’d been dreaming about doing.
“You want another cup of coffee?” Peter asked, already on his way to the kitchen with my mug in-hand. He filled it, adding the perfect amount of creamer, and set it on the end table next to me.
“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that,” I told him. Back in the days of Angela, I’d given up on asking her to refill my mug even if she was getting more for herself because she always acted like it was a huge hardship, even though I never hesitated to do the same for her.
I’d gained a lot of clarity in the months since she left, realized that we were doomed from the start. And I couldn’t wish we’d split up before Sophia was born, because then she’d be stuck with an irresponsible mother who wanted nothing to do with her.
“I never do anything I don’t want to do,” Peter told me. I watched as he gracefully tucked his long legs beneath him on the couch. I was far too aware of the way he moved and looked. “It’s nice to have someone to take care of for a change.”
“I take it you live alone?” I asked, wanting to know everything he’d share about the life he’d built since he left.
“I wish!” Peter threw his head back and laughed. “If you think it’s expensive to live here, you should try making it in New York. I love my job, but I couldn’t afford a rat-infested studio apartment on what I made when I first started out. No, I have four roommates, but we rarely see one another and they’re not really the type of people I’d want to hang out with.”
“That sounds miserable.” There were luxuries I’d like that I did without so I could make the bills every month, but I couldn’t imagine the life Peter laid out.
“It’s not so bad most of the time,” he responded. As he stared out at the sleepy street in front of my townhome, he twirled a tendril of hair around his finger. “I work a lot, so it’s probably better this way. The last guy I dated got jealous of all the time I spent working and filled the hours we couldn’t be together fucking some nasty little twink he met at a strip joint.”
“Not bad isn’t the same as good,” I pointed out. I knew, because I’d lived anot badlife for too many years. In the end, it left me bitter and cold-hearted. I didn’t consider myself a violent person, but my mind filled with visions of hunting down Peter’s nameless, faceless ex and beating him into a pulp for hurting Peter. If he’d been unhappy, he easily could’ve left without cheating, not that that was much easier to deal with.
“True.”
Silence filled the room, both of us seemingly uncertain of where to start talking about things that mattered. I wrung my hands, willing breakfast to quit sloshing in my stomach. The words I needed to say that would make Peter understand my reaction felt like a monster trying to claw its way out of my chest.
I moved to the couch, hoping that closing the physical distance between us would ease my fears. That was a mistake, because now I was close enough to see the gold flecks in Peter’s eyes, could smell my soap on his skin. And dammit, something as simple as soap should not turn me on the way it did.
“I really fucked us up when I caught you that day, didn’t I?” My palms itched with the urge to reach out to him. I’d never been a nurturer, but I wanted to find a way to take away the pain I’d caused him.
“It hurt, Freddie,” he admitted, turning his gaze back to the window. “You were my best friend, and then you were just gone. What was I supposed to do with that? My own family wouldn’t accept me, but I’d been trying to find a way to come out to you, because I knew you wouldn’t abandon me. And then you did.”
“I know.” My voice hitched, every emotion I’d felt back then bubbling up to the surface, only now there was an added layer of fear knowing what I was about to do. I took a deep breath before I began. “I wish there was a way for me to prove to you how sorry I am I reacted the way I did. That was never my intention. This is one of those cases of it wasn’t you, it was totally me. Looking back, I wish I could’ve been half as strong as you were.”
“Yeah, because look how well that turned out,” he scoffed.
This time, I did move closer and take his hand in mine, expecting him to pull away. When he didn’t, I traced my thumb over his skin. “Peter, youwerestrong, even if you didn’t see it. You said coming out to yourself was one of the hardest steps you had to take.That’swhat makes you strong. Unlike me, who always had these thoughts and feelings but thought if I ignored them long enough, they’d go away. By the time I could admit to myself that I was attracted to men, I was married with a kid.”
“Don’t fuck with me, Freddie. I don’t need you trying to make this better for me.” He tried pulling his hand away, but I wouldn’t let him. Not now. Maybe it was for his comfort, possibly my own; I wasn’t sure and didn’t care. “Next you’re going to tell me your marriage failed because you were sick of living a lie, even if you couldn’t tell the world you’re gay.”
“I’m not gay,” I corrected him. “I’m pretty sure I’m probably bi, but it took me a long time to even be able to think the word, much less say it.”Holy shit. I actually said it out loud to someone and the world didn’t collapse around me.I couldn’t help but let out a laugh, feeling like a weight had been lifted off my chest now that my secret was out to someone.
Peter slid close enough that our bodies pressed together. He draped his arms around my shoulders, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “Please tell me you’re not playing some unfunny joke here.” I shook my head, unable to find my words. “Have you talked to anyone else about this?” I shook my head again. There was a lump in my throat making it almost impossible to breathe. “Maybe you should start from the beginning and tell me your version of what happened that day, because I’m pretty sure I got a few things wrong.”
And so, I did.
Mrs. Agnelli held the door open for me as I dropped my knapsack on the floor. I knew we weren’t leaving until late afternoon, but I’d been looking forward to our youth retreat ever since the first day of summer. This wasn’t the camp most of the little kids attended, it was only for older teens, our church’s way of preparing us for life beyond high school.
“Peter’s still upstairs packing. Would you like to wait in the kitchen? I just finished baking some cookies for you boys to take with you,” she offered. As much as I loved Mrs. Agnelli’s cookies fresh out of the oven, I’d much rather chill with Peter in his room. Plus, I knew she’d send a plate upstairs with me.
“Thank you, but I’m going to see if Peter needs help.” As expected, she slid four cookies directly from the baking pan onto a small plate and handed it to me. “Thank you, Mrs. A.”
She patted my cheek. It’d never crossed my mind to shy away from her affection. It was ingrained in her DNA as much as it was in Mama’s. Peter was the same way. “Go on now. I’m going to make a late lunch so you boys aren’t starving by the time you get settled.”
As I ascended the staircase, cheesy pop music filled the air. I thought it was Lucia playing her music loud enough Mrs. A would soon come up to lecture her about the entire family not wanting to listen to that noise, but it wasn’t. My ears were assaulted with noise when I opened the door to Peter’s room.
It was because of the music that he didn’t hear me enter the room. Didn’t see the way I froze when I caught a glimpse of him through the crack where he hadn’t completely closed his bathroom door. Peter had no clue I was watching his slender hips sway in time with the beat. And holy hell, he was wearing a pair of skimpy royal blue underwear that shimmered in the light. They looked–oh shit, theywerewomen’s lingerie.
