“Some of it, yes.” There was no point denying it since I was the one who’d gotten us on the topic earlier in the week. “I’m not into pain for pain’s sake. Bondage could be fun, but like everything, only if the other person is into it.”
“So basically, you like being in control.” I thought about that for a moment, because maybe Iwasthe one who had it all wrong. Maybe I should’ve been doing the research right along with him. I quickly schooled my features, reminding myself I wasn’t going to feel guilty for what I wanted. And what turned my crank went beyond just being in control in the bedroom.
“That’s an incredibly stripped-down version of it, but yes.”
“And I’m assuming it’s an all or nothing deal?”
Was it? If Frankie wasn’t open to experimenting with something I truly felt he would enjoy, could I set aside my own desires for a chance to be with him? “Yes.”
I didn’t regret my answer. Most of my life had been about putting the needs and wants of others first. It was time for me to take control, even if that meant this man fate had dropped at my doorstep would never be more than a roommate and possibly, hopefully, a friend.
Frankie sunk deeper into the couch and held his coffee mug in front of his face as he stared out the front window. The lack of eye contact was disconcerting because I had no clue what he was thinking. The silence grew nearly unbearable, with the occasional interruption of a grunt as he worked through my proposal in his mind. “If there’s no sex, what’s in it for you? I mean, I s’pose I can admit I’m not as turned off by everything as I was before, but I don’t get it.”
“It’s hard to explain,” I told him.
“Try. Convince me to say yes.”
I opened my mouth but no words came out. Whatever I told him, I doubted he’d believe me. Hell, it was hard for me to understand for the longest time. There was only one way forward. “Give me one week. We can work out the boundaries before you have to go in tonight, but from now until next Sunday, let me show you what both of us could get out of this arrangement.”
“But no sex?” he asked for clarification. Frankie seemed entirely too hung up on the sexual aspect, but I was determined to help him reframe his thinking so sex and control didn’t have to go hand-in-hand.
“Not right away,” I confirmed. “I’m not taking it off the table entirely, but I think it’d be best if we keep things simple to start. I know it probably sounds stupid, but when I saw you on your knees in that storage room, something snapped into place, not unlike the missing piece of the puzzle. I’ve always had a habit of watching people, trying to figure out what makes them tick. With you, there was always an emptiness, like you were living up to what was expected of you but you weren’t truly happy. I’ll admit it was erotic as hell watching you suck that guy off, but more than that, you finally looked like you were completely at peace. I want you to feel that way more often.”
“Why?”
It was time to lay all my cards on the table. Since he hadn’t refused me so far, I pushed out of my chair and sat next to him on the couch. Cupping his cheek, I pulled gently until he faced me. My thumb trailed over his stubbled cheek. It would’ve been so easy to lean in and kiss him, but I knew one kiss wouldn’t be enough. As soon as I got a taste of Frankie, I’d want to move on to the main course. “Because seeing you at peace is stunning. I want you to let me take some of the worry off your shoulders and know I’m the reason you stop walking around with frown lines that shouldn’t appear on your forehead for another decade. And yeah, eventually, I want to help you completely let go in the bedroom. Want to show you what it’s like to give up control without walking away unsatisfied. You asked what’s in it for me, well that’s it. I’m a selfish man and it feeds my ego to know you trust me enough to take care of you.”
Frankie closed his eyes and leaned into my touch. He let out a soft sigh and his warm breath sent shivers up my arm. If I wasn’t careful, this man could easily be my undoing. I didn’t rush him for an answer, I simply continued caressing his cheek. The tension he always carried melted away and his entire body sagged. When he finally opened his dark eyes, Frankie looked half-drunk. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”
6
Frankie
I’d lostmy damned mind. That or Calvin was some sort of wizard who’d cast a spell on me when he sat next to me on the couch, because the second I felt his rough palm against my face, the chatter in my mind silenced. I was able to focus on nothing other than his words and the movement of his thumb across my cheek. When he painted a picture of what it’d be like to let go and let him carry some of my burden, I realized that’s what I’d been chasing this entire time. I spent so much of my life as the leader, the one everyone turned to when decisions needed to be made. Sucking dick had been my outlet to turn over the decisions to someone else while still giving myself the illusion of control. I wanted to know what it’d feel like to give up that last shred of restraint. And if there was anyone I trusted that much outside of my family, it was Calvin.
Sunday afternoon, as the servers finished flipping the dining room from brunch to dinner and Freddie’s crew prepped for the evening rush, I read through the text messages Calvin had sent over the two weeks since he’d caught me blowing a random in the storage room. My stomach flipped with each gentle demand. Had anyone else dictated what time I should leave work or tell me I needed to get more sleep, I’d have knocked their teeth out. I’d always been what Mama referred to as her stubborn mule and hated being told what to do. So why had I so willingly abided by Calvin’s directions?
Because you like him, you idiot.Calvin had hit the nail on the head when he accused me of my BDSM knowledge being from what I’d heard about a few popular book series from some of the servers at the restaurant. I hadn’t read the books, because I had less than zero interest in reading about some chick who agreed to get off on pain because she wanted a hot sugar daddy, and that’s what I came away with after listening to the girls at work talk. That wasexactlythe type of shit I’d never put up with in my own life. A little slap and tickle was insanely hot, but no way in hell was I gonna let someone leave my backside red and welted.
“You met someone, didn’t you?” Tony’s accusation startled me, and I dropped my phone. He plopped into the chair across from my desk and stretched his long legs. I opened my mouth to deny his claim, but he cut me off. “Don’t even give me that shit. You’re leaving earlier, you haven’t snapped at Teo all week, and your phone is damn-near glued to your hand. If not for the latter, I’d think you were on drugs, but I doubt you’d spend that much time waiting to hear from your dealer.”
“So my good mood comes down to either drugs or sex?” I snorted at the absurdity of Tony’s logic.
My phone buzzed across the floor and I tried to ignore it. Tony, on the other hand, was all too eager to help me out. I snatched the phone off the floor seconds before he snooped in my text messages. He was a conniving shit that way and I needed to make a point to change my passcode to something he couldn’t figure out on the off chance I forgot my phone in the office if there was an emergency in the dining room.
It buzzed again with a second message, and Tony crossed his arms over his broad chest as he got comfortable in his chair again. “Go ahead, I’m in no hurry.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t wait,” I responded. Knowing my luck, it’d be another of Calvin’s reminders that should annoy me but didn’t. And knowing me, my stomach would erupt with butterflies and I’d get a schmoopy smile on my face.
“So it’s a dude then.” I choked on the soda I’d just taken a swig of. It was going to take time to get used to the fact that Tony knew I was gay and didn’t give a damn. Come to think of it, since he’d dropped the bomb that my secret wasn’t completely secret, he’d been all up in my shit, which was how he acted when he wanted to let me know he was there if I needed to talk. Our entire lives, he’d been the lifeline trying to help me out even though he was my little brother. And I’d always resisted, because it wasmyjob to carry the stress around. That’s what Calvin had seen and wanted to fix in me. Well, I couldn’t expect him to fix me if I wasn’t willing to fix myself.
“Yeah, it’s a guy,” I confirmed. “But don’t let Mama know I’m seeing someone. It’s not the type of relationship I want her knowing about.”
Calling it a relationship was a bit of a stretch. It’d be hard enough for her when I finally came out, I didn’t need her knowing I was sort-of but not really seeing someone who got off on telling me to get my ass home at a decent hour, made sure I didn’t sleep my mornings away, and sent me reminders to eat. Right on cue, my stomach grumbled, reminding me I’d been running around since nine this morning with nothing more than coffee and a croissant I snatched as I whizzed past the buffet line.
“Man, you know I’d never do you like that. I’m happy for you. For a while, I worried you’d gone full hermit, devoting your entire life to keeping what Papa and Nonno built alive even though we all know you’d rather be doing just about anything other than sitting in this musty office every day. I don’t know why you didn’t tell Papa you appreciated the offer, but that Freddie was the better choice for the next generation of Marino’s.”
Oh, if only it’d been that simple. Papa was a master when it came to guilt. Had I tried to refuse what he’d seen as a gift, he’d have allowed me to walk away, but I never would’ve heard the end of it from him. We’d have spent the last three years of his life in a mix of awkward silence, heavy sighs, and monologues from him about how he didn’t understand what he’d done wrong as a father that I needed to escape at the first opportunity. If I could hand the reins to Freddie and walk out, I’d do so without a backwards glance, but Mama would see that as a slap in the face of Papa’s legacy. So, here I was. Stuck.
