“Yeah, I guess I am,” I admitted. “And I appreciate that you’re looking out for me, but this isn’t something I rushed into with my eyes closed. I know all the risks, but there’s something about him I can’t ignore.”
“Probably that bubble butt he rocks,” Eli quipped. Now that I’d admitted to trying to get something started with Frankie, I wasn’t sure how I felt about Eli scoping him out. My friend burst out laughing. “Man, you should see the look on your face. If I didn’t know you couldn’t hurt a fly, I’d be seriously worried you were about to knock me on my ass.”
“Still might,” I grumbled.
The server dropped off our meals and we tucked in. The reprieve was welcome, but it would be short-lived. Eli hadn’t finished chewing the last bite of his turkey wrap when he tossed me head-first into the reason I wanted to talk to him before tonight. “Okay, so all kidding aside, why do you think you’re going to be the one to push him away instead of the other way around?”
“I already messed up once,” I told him. My stomach churned as the image of Frankie upset replayed through my mind.
“I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’ve made it out to be,” he reassured me. And he was right, but that didn’t make me feel better. “Tell me what you did so I can tell you you’re being ridiculous.”
So I did. There were certain details I held back, but for the most part, I told him everything. How I’d caved to my libido even though I was determined we not rush into a physical relationship, and how that happened while my teenage son was sleeping in the other room. That was something that bothered me, which was strange because I knew better than to think he expected me to be a hermit. By the time I finished recounting everything from the moment Frankie walked in the door the night I’d caught him at Club 83 through Sunday night, Eli gaped at me.
“Damn, you don’t do anything by halves, do you?” He shook his head and sighed heavily. “Takes some brass balls to start telling your roommate what to do when he hasn’t given you any clue he’s into the lifestyle. Some might call that stupid, but hey, I’ve known you long enough to know you had your suspicions if you brought it up.”
“I did,” I responded. “Something you said one night clicked. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought you were talking about Frankie when you said it.”
“Oh, and what’s that?” he asked, and I immediately realized my mistake. No way could I tell him without him prying me for more details. Before I could reply, his phone pinged with an incoming text message. “Shit. I have to get back to the bar. Apparently, the delivery is off and the driver’s trying to blame it on Max. Wewillbe talking about this more later. You in town this weekend?”
“Yeah, but I think I’m going to take a break from the bar for a bit if that’s okay with you,” I told him. If I was encouraging Frankie to get home at a decent hour, I should do the same. Plus, it’d be torture to sit in the balcony watching guys dry humping one another on the dance floor when I could be home showing Frankie everything he never knew he wanted.
“I see how it is,” Eli teased. He whipped out his credit card and handed it to the server before he even brought the bill to the table. “You get yourself a gorgeous piece of ass and now you’re too good to help a friend out.”
“Did you have any issues this past weekend?” I asked, praying I already knew the answer. If there had been more reports of someone turning tricks in the bar, it either meant Frankie wasn’t the only one or he hadn’t been home, bored, liked he’d told me he was.
“Not that I heard, but it’s not an every week thing. But seriously, it’s not a big deal. I was giving you shit.” I followed Eli through the restaurant to the front entrance. I’d purposely parked close to the bar so we could walk back together, although I was hoping we’d have had a bit more time. “As for shit with Frankie, I think you’re okay. Maybe it’d help if the two of you sit down together and figure out what you want to try. And you should definitely tell him you’re not some Super Dom who was born into the lifestyle. You still have plenty to learn, and it could be fun for both of you to do that together.”
“That won’t make me seem weak in his mind?” This was my first real shot at living a life I’d obsessed about for years. When I jerked off, it was to images of men restrained, begging me for release, knowing they would only come when I allowed it. Sometimes, they were blindfolded, bodies writhing in anticipation, never knowing if the next sensation against their body would be a loving caress or the thuddy sting of an implement. And sometimes, it was much more innocent: a man waiting for me to come home, knowing I’d be pleased to see him. A man so at peace knowing I’d carry the burden of his stress that he curled up against my side and fell asleep during a movie. I’d had a sample of all of that with Frankie, and I was starving for more.
“The only thing that’ll make you appear weak is if you’re not man enough to admit your own faults to him.” I knew that, logically, but it was one of those facts I ignored now that I wanted to embrace my dominant side. Why? Because I was scared no one would want me if they knew I was still learning the ropes myself. “No one comes into this lifestyle as a master. Most aren’t completely certain where their limits are. The benefit you have over those who are more experienced is the two of you can learn together. If you want, I can hook you up with some local groups. You might be surprised how supportive everyone is.”
“Thanks. I’ll think about it.”
“And talk to Frankie,” he reiterated. We stopped in front of the door to Club 83. “If you want, bring him in sometime. I’d like to get to know him if he plans on sticking around.”
“We’ll see.” No way in hell would I be taking Frankie back to the bar if I had my say. Any other bar in town would be different, but this bar with its memories was off-limits. “You’d better get in there before Max snaps someone like a twig.”
I thought about Eli’s advice the entire drive home. And then some more while I tried to get ahead on a proposal for a new project. Finally, I gave up on working and opened my email.
Just as he’d promised, Eli had sent a link to a local group. My hands shook as I typed in my information for an account on the website. I’d heard of the kink-based online community before, but creating a profile made everything real. Even though I knew there was an honor system within the community and one of the first rules was you respected others’ privacy, I had this fear someone would see my posts, realize it was me, and tell my ex-wife what a deviant I was. I doubted she’d believe them, but I couldn’t risk everything we’d worked to build for our son.
Frankie texted me at seven forty-five, apologizing because he was running late. I quickly replied that it was fine and to hurry home as soon as he could, followed by a second response, praising him for thinking to let me know. One of the many pieces I’d read once I fell down the “How to be a Dom” rabbit hole mentioned praise as being one of the most subtle ways to make sure the sub felt safe.
While I waited, I did more of what I’d been doing all afternoon. I read. Time and again, other more experienced men and women mentioned showing your own weaknesses as a sign of strength. It was as if the universe was trying to hammer that particular point home and I was ready to listen.
Frankie walked through the front door some time later, whistling some pop tune I couldn’t identify. I closed the lid of the laptop and turned on the light on the end table. When he stepped in front of me, he stopped short. “Damn, I didn’t think you could get any hotter, but there’s something stupid sexy about you in those glasses.”
I quickly removed the frames from my face. They were a bit of a sore subject and even hearing Frankie’s approval couldn’t change the fact I equated needing glasses after a lifetime of perfect vision with getting old. But my brat was in a playful mood. He closed the distance between us and took the glasses out of my hands, putting them back on the bridge of my nose.
“Why’d you do that?” he asked, running a hand through my tousled hair. It was probably sticking up like Einstein’s since I’d been wringing my hands through it all day.
“Do what?” I placed my hands on his hips, pulling him against my body.
“You know damn well what you did.” I quirked an eyebrow, daring him to speak to me like that again. He shrugged. “I might get off on you telling me what to do, but that’s not going to change the fact I don’t have a filter sometimes. Punish me if you want, but I don’t get why you’d take your glasses off right after I said you looked totally fuckable in them.”
“That’s not exactly what you said,” I corrected him.
“Well, it’s what I meant. So, why’d you do it?” Frankie led me to the couch and pushed me into the seat. I shifted around to get comfortable and pulled him down next to me. Without having to be told, he curled into my side and rested a hand on my chest.
