"We all have our addictions," she shrugs. "Sometimes the darkness calls to something inside you that you didn't even know was there."
My eyes drift back to Ramsey as he scores, his fist pumping in the air before he turns to find me in the crowd. When our eyes lock, he taps his chest twice.
Do I have a darkness in me? Do I want it?
The thought hits me like a fucking truck. I've spent my entire life running from the shadows—my father's rage, my mother's death, the constant fear of not being good enough. Dance was my escape, my light. But what if there's a part of me that craves something darker?
Ramsey scores again, and the crowd erupts around us. I watch him—really watch him—as he celebrates with his teammates. The way his eyes immediately seek me out, like I'm his true north. The possessive gleam when he spots me sitting with Delaney and Demi. The subtle tension in his jaw when other guys look my way.
"I can see the little hamster wheel turning in your brain," Delaney says, nudging me. "Having your awakening?"
He's always watching me. Always aware of me. Always putting me first.
"You know what's really fucked up?" I say, taking another swig from the flask. "I think I've always known. I just didn't want to admit it to myself."
"Because then you'd have to admit you like it," Demichimes in, unexpectedly perceptive. "That it turns you on knowing someone wants you that badly."
"Yes." The word comes out almost involuntarily. "God, yes. Is that fucked up?"
Delaney laughs, but it's not unkind. "Baby, we're all fucked up here. The question is, what are you going to do about it?"
"I'm going to stop pretending," I decide. "Stop acting like I don't see it. Stop acting like I don't want it, and I’m going to use my list to get what I want. I want him."
The buzzer sounds, ending the second period. St. Charles is up 4-1, with Ramsey responsible for three of those goals. As the players file off the ice toward the locker rooms, Ramsey's eyes lock with mine again. This time, I don't look away. I hold his gaze, letting everything I'm feeling show on my face.
His step falters. Just for a second, but I catch it. His eyes darken, and something primal flashes across his face before he disappears down the tunnel.
"Oh shit," Delaney murmurs beside me. "You just fucked with the beast."
"Good," I say, surprising myself with how much I mean it. "I'm tired of pretending."
Demi hands me the flask again. "One more for courage?"
I take a long pull; the cinnamon burn feels like liquid courage sliding down my throat.
Shit, I can’t drink anymore of this. I can already hear the rant coming my way for drinking without him around to keep watch.
Chapter 18
Ramsey
The locker room reeks of victory and testosterone, but all I can think about is the way Reese looked at me from those stands.
"You're so fucked." Cope leans against the locker next to mine, sweat still dripping down his face after another win of the season. His dark eyes are narrowed, that knowing smirk plastered across his face like he's got all the fucking answers.
I don't look up as I strip off my pads. "Says the guy who's still jerking off to thoughts of his stepsister."
"Low blow, Blackwood." He tosses a towel at my head, which I catch without looking. "At least I've actually had her. You're over here making bucket lists like some fucking Make-A-Wish coordinator."
I literally should have never told him about the list. Taking out his knee doesn’t sound too bad right now.
Slamming my locker shut, the metal clangs through theroom. A few of the younger players glance over, then quickly look away when they catch my expression.
"I know you're not talking." I round on him, voice dropping to a dangerous whisper. "Need I remind you that you fucked your stepsister last year and are still not over it or doing what you really want either? You're still playing this stupid fucking game with Delaney instead of just claiming her like we both know you want to."
Cope's eyes darken, his massive frame tensing. For a second, I think he might actually take a swing at me. Instead, he lets out a harsh laugh.
"At least I'm honest about what I am," he says. "I don't pretend I'm some fucking white knight. I know I'm fucked up, and I own it." He steps closer, lowering his voice. "You need to stop being scared of infecting her with your darkness, man. She was infected with darkness long before you were part of her life, and she will be long afterward also."
