“Are you sure?”
“Hell no.” I open the car door, stepping out on shaky legs.
My stomach feels like it’s filled with butterflies. I break out in a cold sweat before I hunch over and vomit. Again, Cin offers me unwavering support, running to my side. I heave until there’s nothing left, then drop to the ground, hanging my head between my drawn-up knees. Cin grasps my face, lifting my head to place a soft kiss on my lips. She stands, offering me her hand. I should’ve known from the moment she threw her glass of water in my face, she would destroy the carefully constructed wall I built around myself. What would I be doing right this very second had I not been shipped off to North Carolina? How different would things have been had I never been introduced to a life of Cin? I slide my hand into her much smaller one before slowly pushing up from the ground. We walk towards the cedar tree. My steps falter when the top of Cole’s gravestone comes into my line of vision.
“We’re almost there.” She squeezes my hand.
A photo of Cole is engraved in granite with an angel sitting on each side of the black rock. I fall to my knees, tracing the wordsIn Loving Memory of Cole King. I shout, loud and long—all the pent-up rage, guilt, hate, and grief spilling from the depths of my soul. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.
“Why?” I scream, tilting my head to the sky.
Cin kneels on the grass beside me, a lifeline in my fucked-up universe.
“Cole, I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t the big brother you needed me to be. I love you so much.” Tears spill from my eyes.
“He knows you love him.” Cin kisses my cheek.
I brush my thumb across her wet face. “You’re crying for me.”
“Your pain is my pain.”
“I want to hold him in my arms one more time.”
“I know. You can’t see or physically touch him, but he’ll always be with you.”
“You’ve given me something I never thought I’d have again.”
“What?”
“Hope.”
“I’ll be right back.”
I watch Cin as she walks to the car and retrieves a bag, before coming back to sit at my hip.
“I thought it would be good to give Cole a small gift for his birthday.” She reaches into her bag, pulling out a Hulk action figure to place in front of the gravestone. “And I know he would enjoy hearing his big brother read a book about cars.”
“Cin…”
I love you.
She’s peers at me expectantly.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I take the book, opening it. There I sit and read, feeling a sense of peace for the first time since I found Cole’s lifeless body floating in the pool.
Art pulls into the parking lot of a tattoo shop a few hours later.
“What are we doing here?”
“You have a debt to pay.”
“And what exactly do you have in mind?” I ask nervously.
“You’re getting a tattoo.”
