“You didn’t mind before.”
“Yeah, well, I mind now.”
Maverick still doesn’t make a move to leave.
“I know you spent Saturday at the mall with Jake. Tell me, did you fuck him that evening before you fucked me that night?”
“Fuck you, you fucking bastard. I went to the mall with Jamal, Kate, and Lucy.”
“Did you like it? Tell me how he fucked you. Did you suck his dick?”
“I hate you! I didn’t fuck Jake. We bumped into each other at the mall, that’s it!”
“I saw the damn pictures, Cocoa!”
“What pictures?”
“Jake had you in his arms. You were kissing and smiling and walking through the mall!”
“That’s a damn lie. I tripped and fell. Jake helped me up. When I looked around, we bumped heads. It’s true that we walked together for a few minutes, but that’s it. Nothing happened between us. How could you even think that after everything that’s happened between us?”
Maverick stands from my bed and starts to walk towards me. “I’m sorry, I thought…”
“Don’t you fucking come near me. I heard Victoria and you talking in the hall at school. You called me a nigger and a slut. How could you call me such an ugly word after what we shared?” I ask, crying.
“I was upset.”
“No, that’s how you really are. You’re just like John.”
“You don’t think I don’t know I’m fucked up? I’ve wanted to break free of the control John has over me for so long, but the truth is he still has control over me. In the way I think, act, and how inflicting pain is like a balm to my tortured soul.”
This is his way of admitting to me that’s he’s vulnerable, but it’s not enough. I can’t keep riding on the Maverick train wreck, traveling at maximum speed because, when he crashes, I’ll burn with him. My destination is here and I’m getting the fuck off.
“The real question is, what are you doing about it?” I ask him.
My question is met with silence.
“I didn’t have a normal childhood, Cocoa. I lived in fear every fucking day, afraid of what new nightmares that bastard was going to put me through when he got home. There was no laughter in my house and no loving embraces. Displays of affection were non-existent. I only had John and his fists. I don’t know how to relate to people. My mother’s spirit was broken way before I was born. She might as well have been an entity walking through the house. She didn’t protect me. I would’ve welcomed the devil himself in hell because that would’ve been paradise compared to the hell on earth I’ve experienced at the hands of John.”
“You’re not the only one who had a fucked-up childhood, Maverick. Are you going to be a victim for the rest of your life? I’m so sorry you went through something that no child should endure. I won’t pretend to fathom the impact it’s had on your life.”
I walk up to Maverick, putting my hand under his shirt to rest over his heart.
“Even though your skin is warm, and I can feel the beat of your heart, it’s still as cold as a corpse. You might as well be dead.”
“I’ll never be normal, Cocoa.”
“Get help, Maverick. You won’t be able to continue functioning like this.”
Maverick looks away from me.
“This fucked up fairytale doesn’t have a happy ending. I don’t see color when I look at you. I see a boy who has experienced the unthinkable at the hands of the one person who was supposed to protect you the most. How can you become the one thing that you hate so much?”
“I don’t know Cocoa, but I do know I didn’t know what love was until I met you.”
“Stop it, Maverick. You don’t know what love is. You can’t just love the white half of me. I can’t be split in two. Please leave,” I say as tears stream down my cheeks.
Maverick grasps both sides of my face and kisses me like I’m the answer to all his prayers. The towel covering my body drops to the floor. He picks me up and then turns to place me laying the bed. Maverick lies on top of me, pressing our bodies firmly together.
