I came harder than I've ever come in my life while he was degrading me.
That's not normal. That's not okay. That's exactly what Linda always said about me.
That I'm broken. Wrong. That there's something sick inside me that needs to be beaten out.
Maybe she was right to try.
Maybe I deserve the way Zero treated me. Maybe that's all I'm good for. All I'll ever be good for.
Just a body. Just an omega. Just something to be used.
The tears are back. Blurring the words. I wipe my eyes roughly and keep going.
But here's the thing I can't stop thinking about:
For those few minutes in the basement, I felt ALIVE.
Not invisible. Not nothing. Not the quiet kid who doesn't matter.
Zero looked at me like I was the only thing in the world that mattered. Like he was losing his mind over me. Like my body, my scent, my very existence was driving him crazy.
He couldn't control himself around me.
ME.
How fucked up is it that the thought makes me feel powerful?
He said he was mad at me. That I made him want things he shouldn't want. That I was ruining him.
Good.
I don't know where that thought came from but it's true. GOOD. I'm glad I affect him that much. I'm glad he can't ignore me. I'm glad I get under his skin.
Because maybe it means I'm not nothing.
Maybe it means I matter.
Even if it's twisted. Even if it's wrong. Even if the only way I matter is as something he wants to destroy.
At least I'm SOMETHING to him.
I'm writing faster now. The words pouring out.
I've spent my whole life trying to be invisible. Trying not to take up space. Trying not to be noticed because being noticed meant getting hurt.
Linda noticed me and she beat me.
Foster parents noticed me and they sent me back.
Teachers noticed me and they pitied me.
But Zero—
Zero notices me and he wants me.
It's fucked up. It's so fucked up. I know that. I'm not stupid.
But I've never been wanted before. Not like that. Not with that kind of intensity. That kind of need.
