I watch faint traces of pink swirl near my thighs where I'm bleeding. Not much. Just enough.
And then something breaks.
A sob tears out of my throat. Sudden. Unexpected.
I don't know where it came from. Don't know why now, why here, why at all.
Another one follows. Then another.
My chest heaves. My throat burns. Tears pour down my face and I can't stop them, can't control them, can't even understand them.
Am I crying because it hurt? Because he left me? Because I liked it? Because I hate myself for liking it?
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
The sobs wrack my body. Ugly. Broken. I press my face against my knees and let it happen because I can't stop it, can't hold it back, can't do anything but shake apart in scalding water.
The confusion is worse than the pain. This tangle of want and shame and fear and need that I can't sort through, can't name, can't make sense of.
My thoughts are chaos. Scattered. Too loud and too jumbled and too much.
I need to get them out. Need to see them on paper where they make sense. Where I can organize them. Understand them.
The water cools. My skin prunes. The tears slow but don't stop entirely.
I need to write.
It's the only thing that's ever helped when my head gets like this. When everything is too much and nothing makes sense and I'm drowning in thoughts I can't sort through alone.
I stand. Water streams off my body.
Drying off is torture. The towel drags against sensitive skin. I have to dab gently between my legs.
I pull on sweatpants and an oversized hoodie. Everything still hurts.
I don't look in the mirror as I leave.
My room feels too empty.
I grab my diary from the bedside table. The leather is worn from years of use.
I sink onto the floor gently. Back against the bed. Pen in hand.
And I write.
I let Zero fuck me in the basement.
The words stare back at me. Stark. True.
No—that's not right. It wasn't "letting." He didn't ask. I didn't say yes. But I didn't say no either. I just stood there when I should have run. Why didn't I run?
He bent me over a weight bench and took my virginity while acting like I was nothing. That I was just an omega. Just a body. Just a hole to use.
And I came.
I came while he fucked me like a pathetic fuck toy. While he held me down. While he hurt me.
