He wasn't wrong. Two cities. Two impossible schedules. A closet I couldn't leave. On paper, this was already over.
But my dad had made plans too. Things he was going to do when he retired, places he wanted to take us. None of it happened. The future he'd counted on dissolved while I was still young enough to learn the lesson.
"I don't know what happens Sunday either," I said. "Maybe this doesn't survive. Maybe we go back to our lives and this turns into past tense." I reached over and took his hand. His fingers were cold. "But we're not there yet. We're here."
His hand tightened around mine.
"That's it?" he asked. "That's your answer?"
"That's my answer." I lifted his hand and pressed my lips to his knuckles. "Be here with me. That's all I'm asking."
Joel didn't say anything for a long time.
"I've never done this before," he said finally.
"Done what?"
"Wanted something I couldn't train for."
I held his hand and watched the water creep closer.
"I want more than one day," he said. His voice was quiet and almost angry. “I want more than a week. I want… I want more than this, Red.”
"So do I. I wish things were different."
“Me too.”
We sat with that. No solution. No plan. Just the fire burning down and the water getting closer and Joel's hand in mine, grip tight enough to hurt a little.
The fire burned down to embers. The stars came out, one by one, then all at once. Joel's head dropped onto my shoulder, and I turned my face into his hair and breathed him in.
August 19, 11:47 PM
Red: landed safe
Joel: Good.
Red: house feels weird without you in it
Joel: You're in an airport.
Red: i meant when i get home
Read 11:52 PM
August 22, 7:14 AM
Joel: [image: sunrise over the mountains, purple and gold]
Red: jesus
Red: thats gorgeous
Joel: sometimes I miss those sunsets
Read 7:18 AM
August 25, 9:32 PM
