"You can't have both." His voice cracked, just barely, before he locked it down again. "And you shouldn't have to choose. So I'm choosing for you."
"That's not fair."
"No. It's not." He walked past me toward the door.
"Joel." My voice came out wrong. "Please."
He stopped with his hand on the doorknob. For a second, I thought he might turn around.
"Goodbye, Red."
He opened the door and walked down the hallway. I heard him say something quietly to Derek by the front door. The door opened and closed.
Through the window, Joel got into Sean's rental car. He didn't look back.
The taillights disappeared down the street, and I stood in the guest room that still smelled like his shampoo, holding nothing.
I don't know how long I stayed there. Long enough for the light to change, for the room to go gray and then dark.
Derek found me like that. He didn't knock, just opened the door and stood in the frame, backlit by the hallway.
"Red."
I couldn't look at him.
"Red, come on. You're standing in the dark." He crossed the room and turned on the lamp. "Sarah saved you a plate. You should eat something."
"I'm not hungry."
"Didn't ask if you were hungry." He put a hand on my shoulder. "Come on."
I let him steer me out of the room, down the hall, into the kitchen. The house was quiet. The kids must have been in bed already. I'd lost hours somewhere.
The plate was on the counter, covered in foil. Derek removed the foil and put it in the microwave without asking.
"You want to talk about it?" he asked.
"No."
"Okay." He leaned against the counter and waited.
The microwave beeped. Derek put the plate in front of me with a fork. Some kind of pasta. I picked up the fork because it was easier than arguing.
We sat there in the kitchen, not talking. The refrigerator hummed. Somewhere down the hall, one of the kids coughed in their sleep.
"I have to go see Dad tomorrow," I said.
"Yeah."
"And then I have to go back to Vegas." I looked at my hand, still bandaged. "Rehab starts next week."
Derek reached across the table and squeezed my arm. "You did everything right, Red. You came out to me. You let him in. You tried. That's all you can do."
It wasn't enough. But Derek was right about one thing. Tomorrow would come whether I was ready for it or not. Dad would be waiting. Rehab would be waiting. Three months of empty time stretched out ahead of me.
Joel would be gone, and I'd have to figure out how to keep going anyway.
I picked up the fork and ate.
