"I've been on my own a long time. Even when I wasn't, I was."
He was quiet for a long moment. The rain had started again outside, tapping against the windows.
"I wasn't just taking care of you," he said finally. "I was managing my own panic. You were hurt and I couldn't do anything about it, so I did everything else instead."
I lifted my head to look at him. "You were scared?"
"You almost bled out on the ice, Red. By the time I got to the hospital, you were already in surgery." His jaw tightened. "So yeah. I was scared."
I'd been so focused on my own frustration that I hadn't considered what it must have been like for him.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Don't apologize for getting hurt."
"I'm not. I'm apologizing for not seeing what you were going through."
His arms tightened around me. I found his hand with my good one and laced our fingers together.
My phone buzzed on the nightstand. I ignored it. It buzzed again.
"You should get that," Joel said.
I sighed and reached for the phone. Derek's name glowed on the screen.
"Hey," I said. "What's up?"
"It's Dad." Derek's voice was thick. "They're moving him to hospice."
I sat up, the sheet pooling around my waist, and Joel's hand fell away from my hair.
"What do you mean, hospice?"
"He stopped eating yesterday. Won't take fluids. The doctors say it's time to keep him comfortable."
"How soon can you get here?" Derek asked.
Joel sat up behind me, his hand warm on my lower back.
"I'll drive out tonight." My voice sounded far away, like someone else was speaking. "I can be there by morning."
"You sure? That's a long drive with your hand."
"I'll figure it out."
I hung up before he could say anything else. The phone sat heavy in my hand, the screen going dark.
"Red," Joel said quietly.
I didn't answer.
"Red."
"I need to pack." I swung my legs over the side of the bed, my back to him. The room was cold after the warmth of his body. "He probably won't even know who I am. Half the time he thinks I'm Derek. The other half, he thinks I'm some stranger whobroke into his room." The laugh that came out of me was ugly. "Last time I visited, he asked the nurse to call the police."
Joel's arms came around me from behind, pulling me back against his chest. I went rigid.
"Let me go."
