I swallow hard.
My throat is tight, but there are words begging to spill out of me.
Words I know are real, even though I shouldn’t say them. Even though they’ll probably come out like a goddamn grenade if I let myself say them.
But if I don’t tell him… that grenade will go off inside me, instead.
I can’t keep anything from Niko, anymore.
I bury my face in his hair.
And I tell him.
“I did this for you because I’m falling in love with you.”
He smells like home, even if he shouldn’t.
He feels like the safest place on Earth, even if it’s insane for me to feel that way.
I’ve never felt raw like I do in the moment that follows.
I gave Niko my virginity, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. I’ve admitted so much to him that I’ve never told anyone.
But he’s the first person I’ve ever fallen in love with.
Andthatmakes me shake.
It feels tectonic, like nothing will ever be the same again now that I’ve said it.
“Don’t say that,” Niko whispers.
I clutch the back of his head, letting my fingers run through his soft hair. “Sorry. It’s the truth.”
He sighs against me, nuzzling his face at the crook of my neck like he’s trying to bury his head in the sand.
“Well, then we have a problem,” he says. “A big, big fucking problem, because I love you, too, Oliver. And I can’t love you. Ican’t?—”
I pull back, looking in his eyes while I keep my arms wrapped tight around him.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because I fuck everything up. And I cannot fuck this up.”
I suck in a deep breath of air through my nostrils.
The fire beside us pops and cracks, and I can’t keep a smile from my faceas I look at him.
“Fuck it up all you want. Fuckmeup.”
He shakes his head. “No.”
“And I’ll stay right here.”
“God, Ollie.”
I kiss him like it’s another first.
All over again.
