“I am trying to make you into someone you aren’t. I don’t think it was a conscious thing, but I was definitely trying to force you to be a part of my group of friends even though I know you prefer being a loner. Even with me you are quiet sometimes and I get that you like that.”
He stretched his legs out in front of him. “Why are you doing that?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s to punish you but I do think it’s some kind of test. Something that I want to prove either to you or me, I’m not sure.”
“I guess you still haven’t forgiven me,” he said.
“I guess not. I thought it would be easy just to ignore the past and somehow use you and get back a little of my own. But that hasn’t happened at all. Instead of feeling whole again I just find myself falling deeper and deeper into something that I don’t think is ever going to work.”
“Me?” he asked.
He knew exactly what she was getting at because he felt the same way. He wanted to be what she needed, but he wasn’t about to actually let down his walls and take a chance on getting hurt. He knew she’d been right when she said that he’d purposely left before her in Vegas. That a part of him was always sure if he wasn’t the first one out the door he’d be left behind.
And never had that seemed so hard to take than it did right now, looking at Alysse and knowing he wanted her with him for the rest of his life.
Chapter Eleven
THEJIMMYBUFFETT CD had switched over to the smooth bluesy tracks of Adele singing about loss in a way that Alysse could relate to at the moment.
The closer she got to Jay the more she felt him slipping away from her. And she was definitely not helping things by trying to force an answer out of him on issues that he’d rather not confront.
At the small pond, she glanced down at the several koi swimming in endless circles. She liked her backyard and felt so comfortable here. She wondered if she would after Jay left. She should never have brought him to the sanctuary that was her home, because now she’d have a hard time not picturing him here.
“Where do we go from here?” she asked at last. She wasn’t facing him because she couldn’t bear the brutal honesty she saw in his eyes. It would be so much easier if he’d just lie to her a little bit.
“I don’t know. I think we have to stop pretending...” he said. “I’ve been walking on eggshells around you trying not todo anything that will spook you and apart from that one nightmare I had—I’d say I’ve succeeded.”
She frowned as she remembered that nightmare and how scared she’d been for him.
“You have been good about not scaring me,” she agreed. “I’ve been doing the same thing, sort of, trying to make sure you wouldn’t leave me like you did in Vegas, but to be completely honest, I don’t know what made you leave and hedging my bets isn’t helping either one of us.”
Hiding and hoping, she admitted it freely now, that she could maybe be whatever she hadn’t been before. That was scary because she’d really thought she was over him for good.
“I guess we both need to be just who we really are,” he said quietly as he walked up next to her. He smelled of suntan lotion and the sandy beach.
“Yes.” Somehow that seemed so much easier to say than do. She wanted to be free of her fear that he was leaving her as soon as she let her guard down; however, that wasn’t going to happen. “But I don’t know who I am.”
Admitting it out loud seemed like the only thing to do. She pivoted to face him and waited to see his response.
Now she knew why that whirlwind courtship had worked out so well for her. She hadn’t had time to think or worry about the possibilities. But this time that was all she’d done. And all that thinking had led her to a place that made her feel as though she and Jay weren’t going to be able to cobble together the next few days, much less a lifetime.
Yet she knew she’d grown to know him so much better now than she had before. He was complex. A loner who definitely needed her in his life. A man who would protect everyone around him but would accept no protection himself. A lover who was generous with his body but guarded his heart.
“You do know who you are,” he said. “I’m muddling it up by staying here. Let’s have breakfast in the morning, I want to spend the day just the two of us—maybe I’ll take you on the balloon ride Paulo recommended. No thinking about our jobs or your family. What do you say?” he asked.
She didn’t want to. She’d be alone with Jay and that was one thing she still wanted to avoid. “I’m scared.”
“Why?” he asked. He glanced down into the koi pond and then put his hands in his back pockets and looked at her. His guarded dark chocolate gaze made her wary. Why couldn’t he just trust her?
Why couldn’t she just trust him? she asked herself, knowing that if she knew the answers to those questions things would be infinitely better between them.
“It feels as if I’m in one pond and you are in your pond and we just get together for sex. Is that what we’re all about?” he asked.
“It’s safer,” she said. “There is absolutely no danger of me falling for you as long as you stay in your pond and do your own thing.”
“I know,” he said, taking his hand out of his back pocket and lacing their fingers together. “But neither of us wants a repeat of the last time we got together...do we?”
She looked up at him. The moment of truth. Was she going to risk her heart on this man again? She’d already seen the proof of what happened when she did.
