“Come on, let’s go back to my room and we can talk about it. This isn’t the place for us to do that and we have too much to hash out.”
“No,” she said as she deliberately pulled her hand free. “I don’t think we have anything more to say to each other.”
“Why not?” he asked, but he already suspected he knew the answer.
From the second they’d met in Vegas he’d promised her the world to get her into his room and kept her there as long as he could. Not just because of the physical pleasure but because in his room, when it was just the two of them, he could keep the real world at bay. The reality that spoke of the group of friends she had who wanted them to go clubbing or gaming with them. The reality that spoke of the community of people that she surrounded herself with. The reality that spoke the truth—that he didn’t really fit in her life.
“Jay, I don’t want to hurt your feelings but you have to know that I had sex with you tonight to regain my ego, the ego you bruised so badly when you left me. I needed to prove to myself that you still wanted me.”
“Ah, hell...”
He could see the slight red abrasion that his beard had left on her neck. “That about sums it up.”
He had wanted tonight to be the romance he needed to get back into her life and he feared that once again he’d underestimated the parameters of this mission.
“I’d say I’m sorry but I don’t think it would help,” he said at last.
“You’re right. I know you’re searching for answers for yourfuture and I get that, believe me, I do. But for me, right now, I need to... I just need to figure out some things about myself.”
Jay looked at this woman and knew that if any other girl were standing there he’d write tonight off as a one-night stand and let her go. But this was Alysse. The one woman in the world who had haunted his dreams for the last five years, and somehow, if she needed to use him, well, then he was okay with it.
“So you want to use me for sex?” he asked, a teasing note in his voice that he hoped would mask his own desperation for her not to dismiss him. Sex was the one place in his relationship with her where he felt secure.
Finally, he understood a little of what she must be feeling and he was humbled by her courage. The fact that she must feel at least a hint of what he felt and she’d stayed and had dinner with him anyway...well, that spoke to him.
“Leave it to you to boil it down to sex,” she said. “But yes, I am going to use you to figure out why I don’t want another man to touch me, why I haven’t been able to go on more than one date with any guy. I’m stuck and I’m ready to move on.”
He nodded. It was a gamble he was taking and he knew that. What he didn’t know was if Alysse would ever be able to really forgive him. And what about a future for them? Was that even possible? After everything he’d been through, could he stay here and live some kind of normal suburban life? For now though, he could help her out and maybe figure himself out at the same time.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” she asked.
“I’ll let you use me for sex.”
“Oh, Jay. I wish it were that easy,” she said. “I’m going to use you to get over you.”
Jay pulled her into his arms because she looked so small, so fragile, standing there and he needed to touch her. Reallytouch her, not just hold her hand. He hugged her and ran his hands up and down her back and then leaned away to see her eyes.
“You are going to get over Vegas Jay who wasn’t ready for you,” he said. “But I am a different man today, Aly, and I’m not letting you go.”
She pulled away from him and adjusted the strap of her purse on her shoulder as the cool evening breeze stirred her long ginger hair. She studied him for what felt like an eternity.
“I’m not sure that I’m going to give you the chance to keep me,” she said. “You’re going to have to prove you’re worthy of me this time.”
She walked away then and all he could do was watch her leave. He understood the path he’d started down was going to be hard and fraught with obstacles but he did know one thing with utter certainty. He wasn’t about to back down from this.
For the first time since he’d lain in that hospital in Afghanistan he felt truly alive, and he had Alysse to thank for that. He knew that had to mean something important and he was determined to understand what.
She wasn’t about to make it easy for him and he knew he didn’t want easy. He wanted a path to lead him to answer what she meant to him.
FOR ONCE SHEHAD no problems getting out of bed
at 4:00 a.m. Considering she’d tossed and turned all night it was a relief when the alarm went off and she jumped out of bed. Alysse took a quick shower and stared at herself in the mirror as she put on her makeup. She looked tired and tense. Last night had been...
Don’t think about it,she ordered herself as she went out toher VW convertible and drove to work. There wasn’t a lot of traffic on the road at this time of the morning, which was a good thing because her mind was definitely not on the road. Instead she thought about last night and hoped against hope that she hadn’t made a huge mistake.
But she suspected she had. She’d let lust rule and now she was regretting it. She shouldn’t have slept with Jay because objectivity had left him.Ha,she thought. Objectivity had left her a long time before they’d had sex together.
