JAYDIDN’TBELIEVE in luck. He’d seen too many guys with four-leaf-clover tattoos leaving in body bags to think that there was anything in this world that could influence his fate. He’d kind of always known he made his own luck and sitting across from Alysse on the beach with the waves crashing on the shore...well, it was about as lucky as he’d ever felt.
Tonight he’d realized how little he knew Alysse and that had maybe been why he’d left. Perhaps that panicked sweat he’d woken up in the last morning he’d been in Vegas had had nothing to do with her large family and the expectations she had for him, and everything to do with the fact that he didn’t really know her outside of that king-size bed they’d shared.
He wanted to believe that. Truly, he did. But at the end of the day he’d taken one look at the sweetly sleeping woman and known deep in his soul he was going to hurt her. So he’d done it the quickest way possible. Got it over with and got out.
But then that damned IED had changed his life. And now he was back trying to carve something from the past that he should never have given up. It wasn’t as simple as reliving whatthey’d had because they couldn’t go back. He wanted to know if he could have the life he’d never experienced with her.
“So tell me about your near miss,” she said in a careful tone.
Alysse was the prettiest girl he’d ever known. He’d seen beautiful women before but there was something about her that had drawn him from the moment their eyes had met. And sitting across from her now, he was still enamored with her. She had mellowed toward him during dinner, though he knew he was still on the hot seat and she’d walk away from him without looking back.
“There’s not much to tell. The logistics of it won’t matter to you. Just know that I was lying in the sand, sun in my eyes and for a minute I thought I was dying. In that instant it came to me that I had no one. It sharpened all of my desires and all of my ideas of what life was about.”
She reached over and rubbed her hand down his arm, taking his fingers in her grasp and squeezing them gently. “I’m sorry you were alone.”
He nodded and looked away. Even though the sun had started to set, he’d kept his sunglasses on so she couldn’t read his emotions or see the fear he knew was in his eyes. She was too good for him, he thought, the way she was upset about him being alone even though he’d tossed her aside.
“It’s my own fault.”
“Yes, it is,” she said. “So you almost died and thought you needed someone to mourn you?”
“Nah. I almost died and I thought, Really, man, this is all you want out of life?” Faced with his own mortality, he’d acknowledged he wanted more than what he had. Yet he wasn’t too sure what he’d do with more if he got it.
The one thing he was sure of was that Alysse was the key to understanding that. She truly was the only woman he’d spent more than one night with. But he wasn’t about to tellher that. She was looking skeptical enough about his entire proposition.
“What answer did you find?” she asked.
“I haven’t. But the last time I was happy outside of the Corps was with you, so...”
“I can’t believe you,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re back here hoping for something.”
“Thatiswhat I said,” he reminded her gently.
She withdrew her hand from his.
He looked away and then pushed his hands through his hair. He’d rather face an entire unit of well-trained guerillas than this woman. The fact that he was still scared of her after all this time made him realize that there was more to Alysse than sex. He wanted more from her than physical pleasure, though that was still a big part of why he was here.
“I get that you are afraid to trust me, Alysse. I know that I don’t deserve the slightest kindness from you?—”
“Don’t. Don’t say things like that because you make me want to feel sorry for you,” she said. “And that’s not right.”
He stepped toward her. “Let’s go. I need to get away from here. I feel exposed.”
She nodded. He saw her long hair blowing in the wind and he had the feeling that he’d said the wrong thing. But at this point there was nothing else he could say.
“I can’t...I’m not sure I can do much more tonight. I guess you can call me tomorrow,” she said backing away.
He knew he had to let her go. At least until he figured out what he wanted from her and for her, as well as how to have peace in the future.
But that wasn’t about to happen tonight. He knew better than that. “Can I give you a ride home?”
“No. I have my car,” she said. “Thanks for dinner.”
“Hey, I’m not about to let you treat this like some casual date. I want to know what you are feeling.”
“Feeling? I have no idea what I feel at this moment. I’m scared and nervous and excited. I don’t have any idea what will happen next and I’m not entirely sure that I’m not making a stupid decision because...well, because I never actually got over you, Jay.”
“That’s good,” he said, feeling more confident than he had since she’d arrived on the beach.
