Tarek’s words swirl in my mind. The offer to become one of them tugs at me as I look down and imagine what my hand would look like if it were draped in a skeletal glamour instead of the dark soil that’s there. I jostle the strange feeling from my mind and set my foot down. Straightening, I once again look around before sighing and shaking my head. I don’t have the first fucking clue where to go.
I know the castle is at my back, and the sound of waves having a conniption as they crash against the rocky shore is off to my right. The clouds block the sun, making it impossible to use it as a guide, and I worry when night falls that there will be different stars winking down at me. If that happens, I won’t be able to use the sparkling strangers in the sky to show me the way, and then what will I do?
I throw my head back and groan. Leave it to me to finally get away only to have nowhere to go. Reality nips at my neck, and I start worrying about how I’m going to survive in a world I know nothing about. The only skills I possess involve fighting, killing, and biting my tongue. That last one seems to be broken these days though, and speaking my mind isn’t exactly working out so well for me. Even if I can make it to some town or village, how in the bloody moon am I going to make a life for myself?
“No,” I order, slashing out my hand with finality.
The word bounces back at me from the bark of the leaning trees I’m surrounded by. They tilt as though they’re eagerly waiting to hear a secret, but they’ll be waiting forever, because I’m all out. I’ve revealed everything I know to three strangers who title themselves after arachnids and body parts. Now I’m here wandering through a sea of trees, with no clue what the fuck I’m doing.
I sigh and start moving again. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have the answers, I tell myself. I’ve never had the answers, and I’ve always found a way. This will be no different. I’ll make it, because that’s what I do, and now I’ll do it all as a free fae. I smile at that, muted shock and triumph dancing with one another in my head.
I’m free.
“I’m free!” I scream at the trees, as though I’m daring them to prove me wrong.
I close my eyes and relish the way they scream it back at me like we’re all celebrating together. I stop and throw my hands out, twirling as the declaration slowly fades on the wind. And all at once, just like that, the weight of those words settles over me. I drop to my knees, the dark soil cushioning my fall, and I stare at my surroundings in a new light.
I am my own.
For the first time since I can remember, there’s no master breathing down my neck. There are no demands forcing my hand or expectations to meet. No one stands by with a coiled whip, waiting to punish some stupid thing I do or say. I don’t have to give or concede because I’ve been ordered to. I don’t have to bend for anyone ever again.
I stare down at my hands with disbelief.
I did it.
I got away.
A drop of water kisses my palm, and I look up to see if the slowly encroaching storm is finally ready to come down and play. But it’s not raining. It’s me. I swipe at my cheek and stare down at my wet fingertips. A broken laugh warbles out of me, and more tears drip down my cheeks. I dig my fingers into the forest floor and bow until my forehead touches the soft soil. I offer the ground my tears and soak in the verity of this moment. Gratitude and anger battle in my chest, as determination and relief settle in my soul. Every step I make from here moving forward will be becauseImake it. Every result or repercussion is now mine to own, and that’s both incredible and incredibly overwhelming.
After some time, I sit up and wipe my face with the sleeve of my tunic. I stand and brush dirt and twigs from my hands and inhale a deep grounding breath. I want to stretch this moment for as long as possible. I want to bathe in it, inscribe it in my skin, but life and my circumstances insistently tap at the edges of my newfound peace. Like it or not, I need to think about the best way to move forward from here, and I need to do it without letting fury or fear drive me.
If the Scorpions are right—and I have no reason not to believe that they are—the world I’m wandering into is just as dangerous as the ludere. I have to ensure that I’m the predator in these realms, because there is no alternative for me, not anymore. But how?
I rub my hands down the thin material of my trousers and do my best to come up with something, but try as I might to chase them far from my thoughts, three faces keep barging into my mind. I’ve known them for barely any time at all, and yet I feel as though they’ve been haunting me in some way forever.
Tarek’s protective countenance. The way Curio watches me, drinking down my reactions as though he can’t get enough of their flavor. The playful gleam in Riall’s gaze that’s both a warning and an invitation. I picture them glamoured, the way I knew them back at the ludere, and then it fades to reveal who they are now. I wish my chest didn’t tighten and the air in my lungs didn’t feel utterly insufficient for what was lying beneath the magic. I don’t want to appreciate lush lips or square jaws. Stunning physiques and intriguing minds aren’t enough to erase the damage they’ve done. I refuse to be bewitched by heated stares and warm promises.
I attempt to shut their words and faces out of my plans, but every time I weigh the risks of something viable I come up with, the Scorpions are there, whispering in the back of my head that there’s a better way. What’s worse is that I can’t even say with conviction that they’re wrong.
I have nothing and nowhere to go.
I know I can make a shot of this newfound freedom. I can figure out how to land on my feet, I always do, but I don’t have to make it so hard on myself. I can find boots, pocket a little bit of money, and put together a better plan than wandering around a mysterious forest and blindly thinkingwho needs boots or a skillset beyond killing?I groan irritably as the path away from the Scorpions grows dimmer, while the path back to them sharpens, suddenly lined with paving stones of reason and wisdom.
I kick at a small rock and then immediately regret it.
“Fuck boots!” I shout into the murky sky, but this time, when my own voice echoes back at me from the surrounding trees, it feels more like a taunt than encouragement.
“Ugh,” I growl.
I don’t have to stay forever, I tell myself, and even though I know it’s the right choice, it still feels so wrong. I have to go back.
I have to go back, and I hate it.
Just long enough to make walking away the next time easier, because therewillbe a next time. However, there’s no denying that my very survival in these cruel realms is hinged onnotallowing my pride to blind me from the best path forward. That doesn’t mean I have to do things on their terms though. The Scorpions might have a role to play in agoodplan, but it doesn’t mean I have to give in to what they want from me. They offered me a place in their Order, probably as the official cock washer, among other things, but I don’t have to accept anything that doesn’t serve me and my goals.
They want to lure and entice, and even though I skipped that training in the ludere, it can’t be too hard to play that game too. I can give just enough to get what I need without compromising myself. Supplies, aurems, a little time to find my way, these are the things I need. I also want answers, and if the Scorpions are as good as they say they are, it shouldn’t take long to find something. Anything that can point me in the right direction, and then I can take it from there. I can be cautious. I can make things work for me instead of against me.
Just as I’m ready to pivot and start back the way I came, doubt begins to fester. I wrestle with my thoughts, weighing and advocating for and against, but I suddenly feel as lost as I did when I first wandered into these rows of towering trees. I shake my head, uncertainty making it impossible to step forward or go back. I know I need to be smart, but how wise can it really be to trust the Order for anything? They’ll only give to me as long as they’re getting, and what if they demand too much?
