I allow myself this last moment to break, and vow thatIwill put myself back together in a way that will never let this happen again. No more blinders. No more poor helpless me. No more ignoring my instincts and second-guessing everything. It’s time to become the woman I need to be to survive in this world. It’s time to own my shit and find my way. It’s time to accept that this is my life now, and I better get fucking used to it.
3
The cave is silent. The smell of campfire and rage stings my nostrils, and I try to subtly chase the smells away by inhaling deeply while my cheek is pressed against Treno’s chest. I suspect he hasn’t showered for a bit, because he’s a tad ripe, and I squirm a little with the fact that I probably smell like ass too.
He looks tired, his long white hair tangled and dirty, and I feel a slight tremor in his hold. I don’t see any injuries, but he was out as long as I was, so something must have happened to him. I want to ask, but I bite the questions back. I need to talk to him first. Explain what happened before I do anything else.
I need to start putting the pieces together and fixing things after all the shit that’s happened to lead to all of us hiding out in some random cave, but I have no idea how to go about trying to repair anything. Treno releases steady breaths, and I take that as a sign that he’s ready to talk, either that or he’s ready for me to get the fuck out of his lap.
I steel myself and scoot back away from him. He lets me go, and I try and fail to read the look in his eyes as we separate. We both just stare at each other for a moment, taking each other in, breathing through the uncertainty and hurt.
“I’m sorry,” I finally say at the same time he says, “You lied.”
I can hear my heart hammer in my ears for three beats before he speaks again. “Are you?” he asks.
I shoo away the defensiveness that automatically springs up inside of me and truly think about his question for a moment. “Yes, and also no. I’m not sorry that I lied. I didn’t want to die or to be tortured in a dungeon. Stating half-truths was the only way to keep either of those things from happening. But Iamsorry for hurting you.”
As the last words exit my mouth, I see a flash of devastation in Treno’s mismatched gaze, and it feels like a punch to the gut. I hate that I put that there, and I hate that if I had all of this to do over again, I would do exactly what I had done before.
“So were you spying?” Treno demands, more bite to his tone and hardness in his eyes than was there before.
“No,” I defend. I want to snap that he should know better than that, but what do either of us really know about the other at all... Nothing. “I was telling the truth about how I ended up here and not knowing what I was. I just left out that the Hidden found me first.”
“Oh, you simply left it out,” he repeats, his eyes now mocking.
Again irritation bubbles up in my chest, and I have to remind myself that he has every right to be mad. The problem is, so do I. I shake that thought away and try to commit to being empathetic and understanding. We’re not going to get anywhere by fighting, and judging by the shitty cave we’re shacking up in, we need to getsomewhere.
“I spent a little time with the Hidden, and then I was kicked out. I was trying to get home when you and your soldiers shot me out of the sky. I didn’t ask to be taken against my will to Kestrel City. I was forced to try and make the best of a bad situation. Everything else was the truth: I was stuck there and just trying to get back to the gate so I could go home. I found some information about my family in the archives, but I wasn’t spying or hiding anything from you for any reason other than I had to protect myself,” I explain, my tone pleading for him to see things from my perspective.
“Spent alittletime with the Hidden?” Treno snarls. “You’re mated to their traitor leader and apparently his Altern. It sounds like you did a lot more thanspend a little time,” he accuses, and all thoughts of being the voice of reason and understanding go flying right out the window.
“I was just as shocked by that as I was to find out I was mated to you,” I snap at him, jumping to my feet.
I feel light-headed and weak, but at least I’m up, so I shove that aside and embrace my frustration. I get that he’s hurt, but I didn’t do any of this out of malice. I deserve to feel bad about how it turned out, but I don’t deserve to be beaten over the head with it all. What the fuck else could I have done?
“I was dropped into the middle of a war, through no fault of my own, and forced to figure out how to survive. I didn’t know that being physical with anyone would result in a lifelong mating. It wasn’t in thewelcome brochurethat no one handed to me when I showed up in this fucking hell hole. In my world, sex doesn’t work that way. I had no idea that I could end up in a situation like this.”
Treno growls at me and gets to his own feet. He doesn’t look as shaky as I do, and that just pisses me off even more. Gone is the sweet and playful male, whose presence felt like cool water on a scorching day. In his place is a cold, hard warlord who apparently isn’t going to offer me the empathy I was trying to offer him.
“Well, if you didn’t know how things worked here, then you had no business rutting with anyone. Now you’ve tied me to my enemies, turned my brother against me, and ruined me in ways I don’t even know how to come back from!”
“I’ve ruined you?” I ask, taken aback. Shock and anger swirl in me, and I’m stunned by the selfishness radiating out of him. Does he even care what’s been done to me? “Fuck you, Altern of the Avowed,” I spit back at him, fed up and stepping into his space like I’ve forgotten that he’s a foot and a half taller than me and probably bench-presses my weight for a warm up. His eyes blaze even brighter with fury, but I continue.
“Ididn’t pursue any of you. Each and every one of you knew I wasn’t from here and would have no idea how things worked. I didn’t see anyone explaining matings to mebeforethey were coming inside of me. You aren’t the only injured party in this situation, Treno. I’ve been fucked literally and figuratively by each of you and what you kept from me.”
“You had no right,” he yells.
“Neither didyou!” I snap back, matching his indignation glare for glare. “I’m tired of all you alpha meathead bitches always trying to keep me on my back foot. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you the truth about who found me first. Trust me, right now no one is sorrier than I am that we’re all mated and stuck with each other. But what the hell was I supposed to do? The Avowed would have killed me, just like the Hidden wanted to. I was stuck and just trying to get home. If all you selfish pricks had just let me be, none of us would be here right now. So blame each other, because I’m not here for it anymore.”
“My brother—”
“Attacked me, knowing we were bonded. He knew what would happen to you, and if you think otherwise, you’re delusional. Loa slit my throat withhisblessing. So before you go off about him, you should check back into reality, because from where I was bleeding to death on the ground, Lazza seemed perfectly fine with you dying.”
I stomp away from him with every intention of storming the fuck out of here—the only problem is, I can’t find the fucking exit. I look around completely livid, and it seems the only way in or out of this cave is through the damn hole in the ceiling. Well, shit. I try to call my wings, but nothing happens. Maybe I’m too weak, or maybe something else is wrong with me. I don’t get any more time to think through that question though, because Treno closes the distance between us.
I square my shoulders, not even caring if he’s going to ring my neck like it looks like he wants to, because I’m going to scratch his eyes out, and then I’m going to wait for Ryn and Zeph to get their agro asses back here, and I’m going to do the same thing to them. Either that or I’m going to fall over from exhaustion. It’s sixes either way at this point.
Like a meteorite, Ryn drops to the ground right in front of me. It’s so unexpected that I scream and crouch down, covering my head with my hands like I’m expecting to be pummeled by more asshole gryphons falling from the sky.
