Gran turns to walk away, her footsteps in the plush carpet heavy and mad. She moves closer to where I’m hiding in the corner, and I freeze, worried that I’ve been found.
“Get your hands off of me!” Gran yells at the same time mom asks, “Awlon, what are you doing?”
I stare, frozen in shock as dad shoots out of his chair and grabs Gran from behind.
“I bind you, Sedora, steward to my family. I bind your tongue from speaking about who and what Falon is. I bind your animal from ever revealing itself again. I bind you to us so that you may never leave. I mark you and bind you, as it is spoken, it is so.
“Savo truss farin tamod quass. Mayhara elod tamod leerah. Rukke seeri wain voru halturenna.”
“Awlon, no!” mom commands as she tries and fails to pull dad’s arms from around Gran. Gran is crying as dad uses the power words he tells me I should never use. I step out of my hiding spot and run to Gran. I try to pull at dad’s hands and scream for him to stop like mommy is. But he doesn’t stop.
“You’re hurting my gran!” I scream as my own tears spill down my cheeks.
Gran gasps like I hurt her, and I let go, worried that I have. Dad steps away from her, and she looks at me while mom and dad fight. I don’t understand what I see in Gran’s eyes, but it makes me so sad. I open my arms like she does for me when my heart feels too much and I need cuddles. But it just makes Gran look sadder. Maybe if I draw her a picture, she’ll feel happy. She always likes my pictures, especially when I draw the sky.
I turn to go get my colors for Gran, but dad calls me. He has that mad voice again, and I don’t want to turn around. He speaks more power words, and I’m suddenly so tired. I drop to the ground so I can lie down. I look over, surprised to see Gran standing next to me. Why is she crying? I’m so tired. I’ll have to ask her when I wake up.
Ijerk awake with a gasp. Sorrow, confusion, and anger surge through me like a tidal wave, and I roll over to my side and pull my arms and legs into me.
What the fuck did my dad do?
I can’t reconcile the happy lime green eyes of my memories with what I just saw. How could he? I’m not sure if I’m asking on behalf of my gran or me. I wipe at my wet cheeks and wonder why the flashes are surfacing now. I think back to the crumbling of the ring on my finger. Is that really it though? Could one ring change how I look, what I can do, what I can remember?
Pain lances through me as I’m once again reminded of how little I know about myself. My gran was right, my parents should have told me the truth; instead, they took things from me. Memories, abilities...more...I know there’s more, but I can’t pin down exactly what. Even now, this fog that’s always been in my head is still thick and heavy.
They did this to me.
I fold in on myself as much as possible and try to understand thewhyof it all. No matter how hard I try though, I can’t. Anger slowly stalks through my body. So far, I’ve aimed all my frustration and vitriol at my gran, but she didn’t do this.
She didn’t do this.
I repeat the truth again and instantly feel even more awful. I’ve been so pissed at her this whole time I’ve been here, and none of this was her fault. It’s clear that even in death, she was trying to show me the truth. She was trying to help me understand.
“I’m so sorry, Gran,” I lament, and then I let the floodgates open. Everything she did was out of love...to protect me...even from my parents.
I shove away thoughts of my dad and my mother. I don’t know how to deal with them or with what they did. I don’t even know what in my head I can trust and what I can’t. I love them, I have my whole life. I’ve always remembered them as loving and attentive, but right now, hate and anger at the thought of them overwhelms everything else. Is my whole childhood some brainwashed inception? I’m so pissed off right now, and I have no idea what to do about it. How do you yell at dead people? How do you get them to understand that they fucked up?
I laugh hollowly at my stupid questions. They’re gone. They have been since I was five. What do they care when it comes to the consequences of their actions? I think of Treno’s parents and the war their actions caused. We’re all just suffering and trying to make the best of what’s been done to us. Loss and frustration simmer inside of me, and I wish there was something I could do to get rid of it.
Suddenly, lying here, fetal and fuming, feels pathetic. I push out of bed and stomp into the bathroom where I angrily bathe and clean up. I march over to my new pants and bras and get dressed, irritated even more that the thoughtful gift Treno gave me doesn’t sweeten the sourness I feel saturating my every cell right now. I throw a linen shirt on over my makeshift bra and pick up the book that I set on the table last night and throw it across the room.
The pages make a fluttering sound as they sail through the air, and then a thunk fills the room as my mother’s journal slams against the tree trunk growing in the corner. It falls to the ground and spreads open to reveal a blank page.
“Fuck you,” I snap at the book, and then I pull the doors open and walk out of the room, unsure of what to do.
Dri and Sice aren’t standing sentry outside of the doors like I expect, and I pause, even more confused by the fact that it seems I was left alone. Irritation and aggression feel like static in my limbs, and I can practically feel Pigeon ruffle her feathers inside of me. Both of us are itching to rage, to hunt, to tear something apart. She flashes an image of a Cynas and Mogus, and I snort and shake my head as I wander through the crystalline building I’ve been calling home since I got here.
“I don’t think we’ll get lucky enough to find another Mogus infestation this soon, but maybe we can find lessons like Sutton had in the Eyrie,”I tell her.
Pigeon rolls her eyes and gives an irritated squawk that makes me cringe.
“I didn’t mean that you didn’t know how to hunt or fight on your own, Pidge. Don’t take it personally. I’m just saying that I don’t know how to hunt or fight on my own,”I explain.
She flashes me Mr. Miyagi. I stop mid step and stare at the famous character fromKarate Kidfor a minute.
“You want me to wax something?”I tease, not able to keep myself from ruffling her feathers. What can I say, I’m a petty bitch who won’t forget all the fucked up situations she didn’t help with when we first got here.
Pigeon snaps her beak at me in our mind, and I laugh at the impotent threat.
