“What happened that made you want to leave?” I finally ask, at the same time Remi throws out, “So, where did you soldiers learn how to do all that manual labor and handyman shit?” We both pause and wait for the other to answer, and then both start speaking again at the same time. I crack up, and it’s echoed by Remi’s lyrical laugh.
“Ladies first,” I finally manage, and Remi gives me a smart ass curtsey.
Before she can open her mouth to answer my question, a weird grunt and a rustling sound in the bushes off to our left make us all freeze. We listen intently, our eyes scanning our surroundings as we try to figure out what the hell that was. When another huff-like growl fills the air, I’m wondering if it’s a bear.
At first, this thought makes me panic a little, and I look down the sights of my rifle, ready for the massive predator to show itself. But then I remember that Remi is like some weird ass bear whisperer, and think that maybe we’ll manage not to get mauled today. She has a weird connection to animals in general. I mean, Brant is currently holding a pet carrier that has an opossum and a harem of rats for fuck’s sake.
“Is that…” Brant whispers, but he gets cut off with Remi shushing him.
The next thing we know, the tall bushes rustle again, and then a huge rack of antlers appears. Okay, so it’snota bear. But what kind of mutant deer is this?
More of the animal comes into view, and Brant and Madix both tighten their hands on their rifles.
“Oh, shit,” Remi exclaims, taking a step back when the moose comes into full view. It’s not the response I expect from her at all. Not after seeing her smoking fish for a bear’s breakfast and cuddling an opossum like it’s a puppy.
Her blue eyes stay locked on the animal. And yeah, it’s massive, but it’s a shit ton better than a bear or some other kind of crazy predator.
I look from Remi’s paling face back to the moose. “You hang out with huge-ass bears and opossums with razor teeth, but you’re scared of amoose?”I ask with surprise.
“Moose are fucking crazy,” she hisses under her breath.
Madix scoffs. “Pot meet Kettle.”
She doesn’t call him out on his jibe. Not only has the blood drained from her face, but her eyes are stuck in a wide, fearful expression, and her body is tensed up like she’s frozen in terror.
“Remi?” Brant coaxes her, likeshe’sthe wild animal in this scenario and needs to be calmed down.
When the moose opens its mouth and takes another bite of leaves, Remi starts singingStay Calmby Griffinilla. She pushes her hands out for us to hold, but when we don’t take them, she cuts off her song to say, “It can smell fear!”
“Then you should probably calm the fuck down because it’s just a moose,” Madix says dryly.
“I know what to do,” she says, ignoring Madix completely. She takes a calming breath that doesn’t seem to calm her at all, and then cups her hands around her mouth and….makes the weirdest fucking roaring noise I’ve ever heard. All of us flinch. Even the damn moose.
Madix reaches over and yanks her hands away from her mouth. “What the fuck was that?”
“Bear call,” she says, perfectly seriously.
We gape at her. “Right. Because when you see a harmless moose, the first thing you should do is try to attract a wild fucking bear to help the situation,” Madix deadpans.
She does the weird, obnoxious roar thing again, but when the moose still doesn’t move and nofucking bearscome to her rescue, Remi’s fear seems to take over. “We’re on our own! Run!”
Remi whirls around and starts sprinting in the other direction. Her pack slamming up and down against her back as she runs like her ass in on fire. We gape at her in shock, while the moose just continues to munch on another bite of leaves, looking like he doesn’t have a care in the fucking world. We watch as Remi stumbles a little, catching herself on a tree before jumping back to her feet. “I’m okay!” she waves from behind her back. “Hurry, before it mauls us!”
Brant, Madix, and I look from the chewing moose and back over to Remi, who’s managed to trip again in her haste, landing sprawled out on the forest floor, face-first. I...I don’t even know what the fuck is happening right now.
Madix shakes his head. “Stop before you break your fucking ankle!” he hollers.
She looks behind her, seeing us still standing next to the moose, and she scrambles behind the nearest tree to peek out from behind it. “Get over here,” she says, waving at us. “Hurry, before it attacks!”
I press my lips together tightly, but there’s no stopping the laugh that erupts from my chest, and I hear Brant trying to swallow his own chuckle. I can’t believe it. The badass gun-toting, trap setting, wilderness scout who chases lightning is scared of a fucking moose.
“Umm, Remi, baby? The moose isn’t gonna attack,” I tell her, unable to keep the smile from my face.
Of course, that is the exact moment when the moose decides to attack. Just my fucking luck.
It’s as if Bullwinkle is suddenly tired of our shit, and it makes a loud grunt slash coughing noise and starts gunning for me. My eyes widen in panic, and I know there’s no way that I am going to outrun Deer-zilla. A shot rings out, the bullet clipping a tree near the moose, and I see Madix and Brant drop to the ground. The moose veers to the left, pounding past me, its focus on some other target now. My heart tries to pound out of my chest, and I pant through the fear that’s coursing through me.
“Shit, shit, shit,” I curse, whipping my head in the direction of the guys to make sure they’re okay. Brant and Madix are both starting to get up, but their eyes are focused behind me. I turn around to check on Remi, and my stomach drops as I watch the moose galloping towards her. “Run!” I shout at her.
