The guys look just as bewildered as me.
“Aha!” Remington declares, making our eyes whip back to see her…standing triumphantly over a pile of shit.
To my horror, she kneels down next to it and starts poking at it with a stick. “Yep. Definitely Jim Bob. He’s a stage five clinger to me and my girls,” she says seriously.
“I…I don’t know what’s happening,” I hear Brant murmur behind me.
“What is she doing?” Theo asks as he discreetly tries to check his prosthetic through his pants leg.
They both turn to me like I somehow I have all the answers, just because she chose me to point her guns at. I throw my hands up. “I don’t fucking speak crazy.”
“I’m on to you, Jim Bob! Stay away from my girls!” Remington suddenly shouts at the woods as she circles around the pile of shit and glares off at nothing in the trees.
“I really hope she’s talking about an animal and there isn’t some dude named Jim Bob walking around shitting on her property and setting off weird ass alarms strapped to trees,” Theo mumbles.
Brant’s lip twitches, like he isn’t sure whether he wants to laugh or ask what the fuck we’ve just walked into.
Remington checks various spots in the clearing, but at this point, I’m not really sure I want to know what she’s looking for. And yeah, the blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl is fucking hot, but I’m pretty sure that fancy wrapping paper is just nature’s way of trying to hide the batshit lunatic underneath.
“Alright, well, this was fun. We’ll just go.”
Her eyes swing to me, and she puts her hands on her hips like I’ve somehow irritated her. “Oh,nowyou want to go? Right when Jim Bob shows up? Typical.”
My left eye twitches with the comings of a wicked headache that I’m pretty sure isn’t from the alarm that irritated the fuck out of my damaged ear drum.
“Who the fuck is Jim Bob?” I ask, exasperated.
“My bear,” she says with the roll of her eyes, like I’m an idiot for not already knowing that.
My eye twitches again. “You have abear?”
“Jim Bob. Yes. Try to keep up, Sloppy Joe,” she says completely serious, as she tucks her gun into her thigh holster and starts making her way back toward the house. The three of us fall in line behind her, and even though she clearly has a screw loose, I can’t help but check out her ass. When I look over at Theo and Brant, I catch them doing the same thing, although Brant’s the only one who looks away once he realizes he’s been caught. Theo just grins.
She’s talking under her breath as she goes, and I might be able to hear her if it weren’t for my ear ringing like a bitch. That alarm really fucked me up.
When we breach the edge of the tree line and see the house, Puddles comes racing towards us and sidles right up to Brant, sniffing his fingers and nudging him. “It’s alright, Pud,” he tells her as he pats her head.
“Well, isn’t she just the cutest!” Remington grins, immediately dropping down in front of Puddles. The dog perks up at the attention, her nub for a tail wagging and tongue coming out to promptly slather her with slobber.
“Puddles, no tongue,” Brant reprimands.
Remington rolls her eyes. “Don’t listen to him. Men always underestimate the importance of good tongue when kissing,” Remington says in a lovey dovey tone to Puddles, making the tips of Brant’s ears go bright red. She smirks at his expression and gives the dog another scratch just under the jowls before standing up and heading back towards the house.
“I have bacon and eggs. Take your boots off before walking into my house. And be careful with Coon. She bites.”
Just like that, she sashays her perfect ass up the steps of her porch and disappears inside. Theo, Brant, and I exchange a look.
What the fuck did we just get ourselves into?
“Hey! Is anyone else inside? Anyone sick?” Theo shouts after her.
She pokes her head back out of the screen door. “Nope, just me, Michael Jackson, and I don’t have the sniffles, so you can lose the mask. There’s no autograph hounds out here to chase you around.” She pulls her head back into the house, the screen door snapping loudly against the door frame.
“Uhh, she does know that Michael Jackson has been dead for a while, right?” Brant aks.
Theo rolls his eyes. “I don’t even look like that weirdo, and who the fuck knows what’s going on in that crazy chick’s mind.”
A high-pitched whistle comes from inside, and Puddles goes running straight through the screen on the door and into the house, leaving a massive hole behind and tracking mud inside the house. Brant just stares after his dog and the damage left in her wake.
