I kneel on the ground and open Laiken’s cedar box. I pull out the bag of ashes and open the top. I set the bag in the grass as I think about what I want to say to her, how I want to say the goodbye that I never got a chance to say. I’ve thought about this moment a lot in my hunt for the perfect place for her, but now that I’ve found it I’m not sure where to start.
“When Laiken was born, Beth wouldn’t let me touch her,” I tell the guys because somehow talking about her right now feels easier than talking to her. “She was so soft looking and fragile, and I hoped that she wouldn’t see all the bad things that Beth did. One night Laiken wouldn’t stop crying, so Beth came into my room and handed her to me and left to get some sleep.
“I was five, and I didn’t know what to do with her. I thought maybe she was sad because she wanted a friend, just like I did. So I laid her in my blanket on the floor and cuddled up next to her. I promised her that I would always be her friend, and I would make sure my bad didn’t rub off on her. I promised if Beth ever found any bad in Laiken I would steal it away and make it so Beth couldn’t find it anymore. Laiken burped and calmed down, and my five-year-old-self took that as a sign we would be friends forever.”
I smile as I think about all the times I made up stories to help Laiken sleep, or we sang silly songs back and forth and laughed and laughed until we got into trouble. Laiken would sneak me food, and as she got older, she would tell me stories and say comforting things if I was too hurt to talk after one of Beth’s beatings. I don’t think I would have emotionally survived Beth as well as I did if it hadn’t been for Little Laik.
I stand up and bring her with me. I walk further into the grass and slowly tilt the bag and watch as what’s left of Laiken meets the small white flowers that peek through the lush grass.
“I love you Laik. I’ll love you forever, to infinity and beyond, more than you can ever say times a billion.” I pause as a shuddering sob works its way through me. “I am so fucking sorry that I failed you. I’ll never stop being sorry that I couldn’t find you. That I couldn’t protect you.”
Tears drops down my cheeks, and I let them fall unchecked. I watch as pieces of me mix with the essence of my sister. “You’ll always be my best friend, and I will never forget that you were the first to love me and show me that I wasn’t made of anything bad.”
The bag empties and the wind carries pieces of Laiken to rest with the surrounding trees. She would love it here, and even though I’m hurting at the memory of her loss and all that she was to me, I also find comfort that she’s here and I can still come and be with her in this place that soothes my soul, and I have no doubt will soothe hers as well.
I wipe my ache for my little sister from my cheeks. I take a deep breath and walk over to take the green box that has Talon in it. I set it next to the cedar box that used to house Laiken and remove the fabric lid. I take out the bag of Talon’s ashes and stare at it a moment before I look to the guys.
“Laiken was the first person to teach me that I wasn’t made up of bad things, but Talon is the one who taught me what Iwasmade of. He was tough and brutal, and because of that, I discovered I could ask more of myself than I ever thought possible. Talon taught me balance. He let me rage when that was the only way I could get the taint of Beth out of my soul, and then he showed me how to find peace and calm, and the power hidden within them.”
My eyes rest on Knox, and I watch as he wipes a tear away.
“He was an asshole.” I pause as a small smile lifts my lips, and then the sobs start again in my chest. “I don’t know why he didn’t tell me what he knew until I watched him die. I’m sure there are a million ways we can look at what happened and find a better way to have managed it, but there’s no point in doing that. I don't want to be mad at him for not telling me. I don't want to be mad at him for leaving, even though I know he didn't want to. So instead of focusing what he didn't do right, I’m going to focus on all the right that he did.”
My eyes drop to the bag in my hand.
“You can think he’s an asshole, but I also want you to realize that there is no way that I’d be standing in front of you right now if it weren’t for him. Everything that I am, everything that you say is worthy of you, Talon helped me to find.”
I turn and walk over to the edge of the rocky cliff. I open the top of the bag, and I tilt it out over the edge. The breeze picks up the ashes and carries them out of over the water.
“Talon, we got to say goodbye which felt like the end of me, but I will live the rest of my life grateful that I got to look into your eyes and tell you what you meant to me. You were an asshole, but somehow you were my asshole, and I will live the rest of my life missing you.”
The empty bag somehow feels heavy in my hands, like instead of empty plastic I now hold the dense weight of loss.
“I’m going to kill Adriel, for my mother, my father, and for you,” I tell Talon’s ashes on the wind, as it carries my words and my friend, forever away from me.
Strong arms wrap around me from behind, and I lean back into Valen. We stay like that, quietly watching the sun dip lower until my legs are numb with the lack of movement, and I hurt a little less from the sad memories playing through my mind. My muscles groan in protest as I turn in Valen’s arms and look up into his beautiful face.
“Thank you,” I whisper, grateful for his quiet comfort.
He leans down and rests his forehead against mine.
“I wish I could take it all away,” he whispers back, and the sweet sentiment brings a small smile to my face.
“I wouldn’t be who I am without all of it.”
“I know, but it’s hard to watch you hurt, to know what you lived through, what you’re still living through. Thank you for bringing us here, for letting us see and understand you better.”
The wind forces his hair into his face, and I brush it back.
“Thank you for coming and for wanting to see and understand me better.”
Valen runs his thumb across my cheek, and the look in his eyes pierces my soul. “Always, Vinna; we’ll always be here, we’ll always want you, and to understand you better. I’ve got you, we’ve got you. It’s us against the world for forever, and none of us would have it any other way.”
Anything more that Valen tries to say gets lost in my kiss as I take his lips, his reassurances, and his promises, and let them take root and bloom inside of me. I can taste the truth of hisalwayson my lips and tongue, and without question or hesitation, I return it. Valen ends the kiss before I want to, and he chuckles at my squeak of protest as he kisses the tip of my nose. He takes the bag from my hand and sets it inside Talon’s box and places the green box and the cedar box back in the bag.
“Any plans for what you want to do with these?” Valen asks, as he closes the bag and slings a strap over his muscled shoulder.
He tucks me into his side and underneath his other arm, and we make our way over to where the others are sitting. Knox’s eyes trace our path, and I see the apology and sorrow written all over his face.
