“Difficult childhoods change a person in ways they can’t predict,” Belinda said smoothly. “You’ve spent decades angry at your mother for leaving when you were a kid. Festering a fury for abandoning you to an abusive father. While she got a new life for herself, you lived with the constant taunts of never being good enough. Too soft. Too weak. Not worth your father’s attention. Not worth being born. A waste of space and everyone’s time.”
A buzzing sounded in my ears and my tongue grew fat in my mouth. Belinda’s voice morphed tohisin my head.Hiswords circling my brain. That familiar hollow well of worthlessness. The desperation. The anger. The paralysing fear.Why did you leave me? Why didn’t you love me? Why wasn’t I ever good enough for you?
And underpinning it all, under the silence and the fear and the utter loneliness, a poisonous thought continually ate at my teenage heart, whispering its ruinous invitation. A twisted idea I’d never admitted aloud to a single soul. The one thing that had seemed the solution to everything.
Kill him.Just fucking kill him. Kill the bastard. Kill him. Get out. And fuck the consequences.
I’d never crossed the line, but oh how I’d wanted to. I’d tasted the temptation. I’d touched that dark place most people never even knew existed in their hearts. I’d recognised with horror that I was capable, and I’d come so fucking close. Dealing with that knowledge hadn’t been easy, and I was still coming to terms with it. Mads had seen that side of me in Kettleworth. Seen me lost to that all-consuming fury. Seen it and understood it when I wasn’t sure I had.
Belinda cocked her head, still smiling. “Ah, yes, there it is. I can see it on your face. You hated your father so much. Youwanted him dead. You probably even planned how you’d do it in your head.”
Only a million times.
“Maybe you rehearsed how you’d do it. Gathered what you’d need.”
In a box under my track shoes.
“A life of rejection by the people who were supposed to love you does things to a child. To a man. Things he can’t control. Rage he can’t control. Until one day he simply... snaps.” She clicked her fingers in front of my face. “And nobody saw it coming. Nobody believes he’s even capable. Friends are shocked. Loved ones horrified. But when they look closely, the pieces are all there to be found.”
“I—” I swallowed hard. “How did you—” Then it hit me. “The scrapbook.”
“Mmm, partly.” Belinda waggled her hand. “The best bits came from your own mother. Yesterday, after you left, I sweetened her up with a little Valium and then grilled her about you. She never mentioned the trip to the bank or the power of attorney, strangely enough. My bad for not pushing hard enough. But she couldn’t shut up about how proud she was of the man you’d become in the face of everything you’d been through. She told us about the scrapbook and how she’d kept tabs on your life. She told us how you’d lost your much-loved husband and then found yourself in a new relationship surprisingly quickly after.” She sent me a sly look. “Were you a naughty boy while your husband was so sick all those months? Can’t say I blame you.”
Bile surged from my stomach and I choked. “Shut your fucking mouth.”
Belinda shot me a venomous smile. “Poor boy. The grief and stress and all that guilt must’ve been so hard to bear. Truly, it’s a wonder you didn’t snap earlier. And then Chloe’s letter arrives inthe midst of all that turmoil.” She gave a sad shake of her head. “Offering you hope and a lifeline to healing all that childhood trauma.”
“You’re out of your goddamned mind.” But the uncertain wobble in my voice didn’t match the barb and Belinda saw right through it. I was rattled and she knew it, homing in on my weaknesses like a predator working on a kill.
“But then Chloe dies and you’d barely got started together,” she continued in a syrupy tone. “And what’s more, you’re the one who finds her, floating in the quarry lake. Grief upon grief. You feel responsible for not finding her sooner. For not saving her life. Blaming yourself like you’ve always done. All that anger and conflict you’ve buried for decades suddenly rises to the surface and pushes you over the edge. You take off and lose yourself and your life in your misery. Tragic but understandable, all things considered. If only you hadn’t been alone. Mads will blame himself for the rest of his life.”
“He won’t believe any of it,” I protested.
A comment that earned me another oily smile. “Won’t he? Are you sure about that?”
No. No, I fucking wasn’t.Promise me you’ll be careful.I’d been an emotional time bomb ever since we’d met, and the picture Belinda painted had just enough truth in it to carry the lies.
Except they weren’t really lies, if I was being honest. Not about my childhood or my adult struggles. At some point, all of those feelings had bubbled inside me; some of them still did. They might not paint the same picture Belinda did, but they could be made to look that way. Mads would hopefully see the truth. Samuel too. But I wasn’t even sure about them, let alone the people who didn’t even know me. So yeah, I could be in real trouble.
“How about you stop talking and start helping me,” Austin grumbled. “You’re the one who said we needed to hurry.”
Belinda glanced at her watch and patted the keys in her pocket. “Fine. I’ll go grab the other tarp I hid along the track and come back. We can stretcher them out one by one.”
Austin shot me a glare. “What about my ribs?”
Belinda scowled. “Whataboutyour ribs? I can’t carry them alone.” She closed her eyes for a second, then sighed. “Fine. I’ve got some tape to strap them with but that’s the best I can do.”
For the first time, Belinda was focused solely on Austin, and I saw my chance. I wasn’t sure what, if anything, I could achieve without my hands, but I was about to find out. I slammed my boot into Belinda’s shin and she howled and stumbled back, her arms flailing as she lost her balance.
“You are one seriously fucked-in-the-head bitch,” I barked, pushing to my feet to get a second kick in. But before I could land it, Austin leaped to help his girlfriend get to her feet.
Once she was standing, Belinda shoved him away, her cheeks blowing red as she pushed me back onto the bed. “That was a mistake, Nick.” She glared down at me. “See you in hell, fucker.” She raised her arm and pistol-whipped me across the temple.
I didn’t see it coming and pain lanced through my brain like broken glass, ricocheting around my skull as it ripped through every cell. A loud buzz fractured my eardrums and white light strobed behind my eyes, then faded to a pinpoint. The world closed in, darkness creeping from the edges of my vision until there was nothing but blackness.
Bile filling my throat.
Falling.
