I let him drive in silence, knowing it wouldn’t last long. And sure enough, less than a kilometre down the road, and with Nickbottled up tighter than a fish’s arse, he swung right into a car park by the river and pulled to an abrupt stop. With his hands clenching the wheel and his fixed gaze burning a hole in the windscreen, I knew better than to ask what was wrong or even touch him.ThisNick needed to clear some room in his head before I had any chance of getting invited in.
When he finally dropped his arms and sat back in his seat, I leaned across and pushed open his door. “Go on. Head down that path by the river and I’ll come find you in about fifteen minutes. And take this.” I passed him the jacket he’d thrown into the back seat. “It’s freezing out there.”
His shoulders dropped and he seemed to get smaller, almost caving in on himself. He took his coat and shot me a grateful look. “Thanks.”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen as much confusion in those grey eyes, but to my surprise, rather than just get out and leave, he leaned over and pressed a hard kiss to my mouth. When he was done, he brushed his thumb over my top lip and stared deep into my eyes, his obvious desire igniting a fire in my belly. If he could’ve fucked me hard against a tree, in broad daylight, and got away with it, I was pretty sure he’d have done it. Instead, he melted me with one last look and all but ran for the path.
I watched him go, a relieved sigh on my lips. IfIdidn’t know what to make of our meeting with Chloe, I couldn’t imagine what Nick was feeling. And as for Austin? Who the fuck knew what was going on between him and Chloe.
To be fair, his shitty attitude might’ve been nothing more than genuine concern for Chloe and annoyance at us. After all, it wasn’t like we knew the woman very well. Forty-seven years was a long time. People changed. Maybe we’d caught her on a good day like Austin said. If I’d walked into Shirley’s room and found two strangers having coffee with her, I’d be suspicious as well.
I thought back to what I’d found in the kitchen and had to admit it was possible Austin had every right to be concerned, even if the guy was being a bit of a douchebag about it. With fifteen minutes to fill, I had time to do a little research on my phone.
When I finally set off after Nick, he hadn’t gone far, just five hundred metres, give or take. I found him sitting on a bench with his eyes glued to the Taylor River as it picked its narrow winding way through Riverside Park. He looked about as lost as I’d ever seen him, and my heart ached for the troubled child inside this man I loved. The young boy who finally had some answers. Whether they satisfied the questions he’d carried for decades was another matter.
I supposed I was about to find out.
Nick didn’t look up as I sat alongside him, but his head found my shoulder and his arm slid around my waist. “What a fucking mess.” He spoke so softly I had to strain to catch the words. “I don’t know whether to hug her for finally reaching out or yell at her for leaving it so long. I get why she did, I suppose, but fuck, it hurts to know she knew where I was all this time. What kind of mother does that? What kind of mother leaves her kid and keeps track of them for decades without reaching out?”
Nick turned to look at me, his eyes wet with tears, and the devastation I saw there stunned me. He didn’t cry easily. He was a hugely emotional man but he kept it under wraps. I saw much more than most, but he was getting better at showing it to others as well. Gazza and Lee, especially. But his reaction to his mother was as raw as I’d ever seen him.
The few times I’d witnessed anything close to that kind of desolation in Nick circled around him losing Davis, or whenI’dbeen in danger, or if he thought he’d fucked something up between us. And so, I answered his question the only way I knew how. The only way that made sense.
“What kind of mother might do something like that?” I repeated the question back to him. “Maybe one who’s been through unspeakable violence in her life. Who’s feared for her life and that of her young boy, and who’s carried a ton of guilt over what she did and whether it was the right choice.”
Nick huffed, sounding disappointed. “You sound like my therapist.”
I took that for the warning it was. “Okay, well, how about this?Youknow how hard it’s been to work through what happened to you as a kid. Your dad’s cruelty had a lasting impact on your life. It changed you in ways you’re still trying to understand, and it would’ve changed your mother as well. The perpetual fear. The physical abuse. The control. A person can lose sight of who they are. Your father controlled your mother for years, and even though you lived in the same house, and experienced the same man’s violence, it doesn’t mean the effect was the same on both of you. Your mother experienced his behaviour differently from you. Different ages, different roles, different relationships with your father. Not necessarily better or worse, just different.”
Nick went quiet for a long moment before answering. “My dad was an arsehole to me. Always putting me down. Always criticising and shouting. But he never abused me physically. I’m not saying that’s any better in the long run, because it fucking wasn’t, not to a little kid trying to find out who he is in the world. I’m just saying that she suffered the whole lot. Physical, emotional, spiritual—the grisly trifecta of family violence in a shitty life.”
I thought of the gentle woman I’d just met and my heart ached. “I can’t even imagine.”
He nodded. “And she had to protect me, as well.” He took my hand in his and leaned back on the bench, his legs stretched in front. “She’d take the fall for everything I did. She’d send meto my room when she heard him coming up the drive and tell him that she was responsible for whatever he decided to take a dislike to that night. Because there was always something. She did her best to keep me out of his way and keep him focused on her. So yes, I think we did have different realities, and maybe that’s something I haven’t wanted to acknowledge because as a young kid you don’t see it that way.”
I brought his knuckles to my lips and pressed a kiss there. “No kid, nopersonshould ever have to deal with something like that. I have no idea how I’d react if I’d been your mother. The very real fear that he’d kill her and or hurt you if she tried to get you back. Who knows what we’d do in her place?”
“God, it’s such a mess.” Nick’s head dropped back and he stared up at the gloomy fog above. “What am I going to do? You watched me back there. Half the time, I sound like a furious kid. The other half, I’m desperate for any attention she sends my way. I want to yell at her for leaving me, but thank her for protecting me all those years, even after she left, right into adulthood, trying to keep my father out of my life. I want to talk with her about him. Share war stories. And I want to never, ever mention his name again.”
I turned sideways on the bench to face him and he did the same. “I don’t have an answer for you.” I cupped his face and traced the line of his cheekbone with my thumb. “That has to come from you. But I did notice something in the kitchen that may or may not help. When I left to make us a hot drink, there was a line of medication bottles on the windowsill above the sink.”
Nick’s eyes narrowed. “Did you take a look?”
I huffed. “What do you think? Of course I bloody did.”
He ran his knuckles down my cheek. “Have I told you how much I love you lately?”
“Yes.” I turned and kissed his hand. “But there’s always room for more. Anyway, other than the calcium supplement, I took photos of the rest and looked them up while you were communing with the river here. According to Google, and allowing for the fact my medical knowledge is pretty slim, a couple were arthritis related, one was a statin for cholesterol, another for blood pressure, and a couple that seemed specific for—” I paused briefly. “—Parkinson’s disease.”
“Parkinson’s.” Nick’s gaze slid sideways to the river, making his expression hard to read. A moment later, he sighed. “Well, that explains a few things. Did you notice the way her hands trembled, but it wasn’t quite a tremble, it was different. I put it down to anxiety. She tried to hide it by clasping them in her lap.”
“Yes. She almost dropped the cup of tea,” I remembered. “And I think it’s called pill-rolling movement or something like that? Shirley’s friend at Golden Oaks does the same thing. And did you notice how her expression became almost blank at times? It was quite disconcerting.”
A light went on in Nick’s eyes and he nodded. “Shit. Of course. It even pissed me off because I thought it indicated she was faking how she felt. Now I feel like a bloody heel.”
I grimaced. “Understandable mistake though. You could always call Jerry to find a bit more out about the disease. She deals with it every day at Golden Oaks.”
Nick gave an absent nod. “Good idea.” His gaze drifted off into the distance, his brow furrowing. “You don’t think the only reason she got in touch was because of that, do you? Maybe she needs money for long-term care.” He turned back, his expression hollow, like he was just hanging on. “I’m not sure how I’d handle that. Just the idea turns my stomach.”
