He pauses, then he shakes his head, leaning back. “Like I said, I don’t know the details. I’d have to be there. Get a sense of it.”
I nod slowly. That’s fair. I shouldn’t be pressing him to speculate on things he knows nothing about.
He steps away from the kitchen, and I finish my tea in solitude. The hot drink and the beautiful view are surprisingly relaxing, and the valerian root hasn’t even had a chance to kick in yet. Eventually I move to the living room to do my yoga meditation before heading upstairs. I close the shades in my room and crawl into bed.
I wrap myself up with a few extra blankets, then put on all my new sleep gear. Everything feels cozy and warm, and it’s cutting out all the sound from the house, which is good. Even ambient noise from electrical appliances can be enough to keep me awake since the stalker started leaving notes.
But now, wrapped in the quiet, my mind is racing.
Chase was sweet—making the tea and a snack for me—but I’m still thinking about something he said earlier when he was still prickly with me. About how I live in a “fairy-tale fantasyland.” He said the words with such disdain, and I could tell he was disgusted with me when I admitted I didn’t know how to find a house.
I’m aware that nothing in my life works the way it does for other people. A lot of things are easier for me because of my money and fame. But he didn’t have to be so harsh. He could have gone easier on me since I clearly don’t know the first thing about being out on my own.
Then again, maybe he was just being honest. Telling me like it is.
It’s true that I hate how everyone’s always ordering me around and telling me what to do, but now I wonder… What if Iencourage it by being helpless? What if I’m making it easier for others to bend me to their will? Control me?
Use me?
I turn on my side, pulling the blankets up tight around my body.
I have complete confidence in my music. I know exactly which chord comes next when I’m writing a new song. What rhythm will make the emotion pop. But in everything else, Iamhelpless. At least, I have been. But I don’t want to be helpless anymore.
Tomorrow it’s going to be different.I’mgoing to be different. This is my chance to be out on my own, and I want to prove to myself I can do it.
I turn again, lying still for a long time to try to quiet the chatter in my head, but my nerves are still on edge. I can’t get my body to calm down.
Suddenly, there’s a thump, and I sit up straight.
“Chase!” I call out, my heart racing as I tug my sleep mask off and scramble to pull off my headphones and take out the earplugs.
“Yeah?” He pops his head around the corner. His expression is calm, and my body floods with relief. “What is it?”
I shake my head. “It’s nothing. I—I thought I heard something, that’s all.”
“One of the floorboards made a loud pop when I stepped on it.”
I nod. “OK.” I search for my earplugs, scattered amid the blankets, trying to slow my heart rate with a few calming breaths. I notice he’s still standing in the doorway, watching me.
“Hey, Harper?”
“Mmm?” I look to him, and his eyes are gentle.
“Do you need me to stay with you? Just until you fall asleep?”
My chest squeezes hard, and my eyes are suddenly wet. The offer’s so thoughtful, but I don’t want to be a big baby anymore.
I shake my head. “That’s not necessary.”
“Hey.” His voice is as gentle as his eyes. “It’s all right. This is my job. You’ve been through a lot, and I don’t mind if you think it would help.”
It would help. Make me feel safer, so I could finally relax and get some sleep. My bodyneedssleep, and something in Chase’s expression makes me feel like it would be OK. That it’s a reasonable ask.
That he doesn’t mind.
I nod slowly. “Actually, yeah. I’d like that.”
He grabs a book, then takes a seat in the chair across the room, but I notice him watching me as I locate my earplugs and put myself back together.
