Knowing Garrett’s touched him… knowing he’s been inside him…
Knowing that hehurthim… emotionally, and maybe even physically, apart from tonight…
It makes me see red. It makes me want to punch something.Or someone…
If there was any sliver of friendship that existed between Garrett and I, it’s more than disintegrated now.
The last thread between us has officially frayed. Because he hurt someone Ilove.
Love. The word echoes in my brain, in the cracks of my soul. Because I know without a doubt, I love Jacob Riley.
Not Prince Charming.
I love the man who swoons over sunset beach kisses, who sings in the car, who knows how to drive me mad with his bratty, petulant attitude and his big blue eyes. I love the former dancer slash stripper turned rent-a-date I hired to be mine. I fell in love with the man behind the fantasy. The man who makes silly TikToks and can debate romance novels and whose smile can change your entire perspective on everything.
And now I might’ve losthim. As I fall back into my bed, the truth settles on me. I’m not any better than Garrett, and maybe my dad is right. Maybe I am selfish and undeserving. Like Daisy Buchannon. Privileged and entitled and desperate for something money can’t buy.
Because when I looked at Jacob and asked him to hold up his lie—my lie—I told him exactly what I thought of him.
But it wasn’t true, not by a long shot. All I could focus on at the time was trying to alleviate the tension. I was trying to save face, not just for me, but forhim, too.
Because soon enough, the job would be done, and he would go on his way and—
Maybe I wanted to hang on to the illusion more than I wanted my dad to believe it. Maybe I wanted to live in the fantasy of being Jacob’s boyfriend, just a little longer before I knew I’d lose him.
And in the end, I lost him anyway. I fucked it up, just like my dad said I would. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Warm liquid falls down my cheek as I think about his body, warm in my hold as we danced.
I think about his words. About Daisy, being so selfish and undeserving. He was right.
She was. Selfish. Undeserving. But she loved Gatsby anyway. Despite her better judgment and her privilege. Despite the fact that they were such oppositional forces; driven apart by circumstance, but held together by nothing more than an idea, a feeling.
And that feeling, that love existed even in the spaces they couldn’t.
I hear the faintest knock at my door, which stirs me from my melancholic thoughts. I sit up, thinking my mother’s come back, or worse, my father’s decided he wants to finish this conversation now while he’s still hot.
But when I open the door, I see Lola, clad in her powder blue pajamas with her laptop in one hand and two pints of ice cream with two spoons in the other.
She speaks softly, but warmly.
“Have you ever seenRed, White, & Royal Blue?” she asks, pushing into my room without invitation. I don’t have the strength to tell her to fuck off right now. For starters, she’s a kid, and second, I’m exhausted. Too exhausted to argue with anyone else tonight, for sure.
“No,” I say as she crawls right into Jacob’s spot.
“Well, you’re in for a treat,” she says with a grin as she curls her legs underneath her, her bright blue pajamas standing out against the crisp, white sheets. She presses play and I settle on the bed next to her, relenting if only for the momentary distraction. I look at her hair, pulled up in a top bun, her profile still soft, but more pronounced. Her features have always resembled her mother, but right now, she looks less like the bubbly little girl I’ve known forever, and more like someone I’mjust getting to know. The thought saddens me as much as it makes me feel a sense of pride. She’s growing up so fast, and I feel slightly guilty I have missed so much.
You left us.
My father’s words echo in my brain. I did. Leave them.
But I’m only starting to realize my parents were not the only ones I’d left.
So I don’t ask her to leave. I get comfortable with her and focus on this fleeting moment.
“What’s it about?”
She hands me a pint of ice cream and a spoon. “It’s a gay contemporary romance.” She shrugs.
